Rainbow after a storm... - 12/17/2004

Whenever I go on a mission trip I always have to ask myself... Why am I doing it... Why am I really there... What is the agenda... What is the purpose... I may not be able to answer them all, but as I serve, I get my answers... New revelations each time... This trip was so different from that of last years... Somehow, this one is more heartwarming, tugging at my heart's strings more...

To serve the nations and build gateway cities... That's the church's new vision for 2005... Faith, Unity and Novelty... That's the Youthnet's vision for 2004... And this trip we've managed to cover all these aspects more or less... Why so? Well... The team step forth in Faith, to territories unknown to us, asking for guidances from God... The trials we faced during the trip tested our faith level even more...

I mean looking at it, it was really a test of our faith... Prior to the trip we had some miscommunication with our connecting agency in the other nation... Then when we reached there, we had to extend the trip... From the original 5 days we extended it to 8 days... Because of that, I missed another fundraising event that I was supposed to help out... Hopefully the organisers won't be too mad with me... Ops... Being thrown on the streets of Indonesia to get Macdonald's with Yvonne, who is as clueless as me, is really a test of our faith...Then there was the food poisoning episodes that brought the team down to half the size... Gosh... The stupid MacDonald's Big Macs... Don't eat them when you are in Indonesia...Then there was Siti Cat Xiao Gua... I don't like her, but the rest of the team found her so pitiful and took her in... I don't like her still, but I tried... She apparently is paralysed from half way down her back, but the team is believing that in 7 days she should be back on her two feet again, after the nerve stimulating injections...Then there was the test of Unity...I guess it wasn't so much a test, but the team was very united in all that we did... As much as we co-depended on each other, we also had to learn to be independent of each other at times too... Especially of our only team member who speaks Bahasa Indonesia... He is the best though, helping us whenever he can... We co-depended on him, and had to learn to be independent without him... I think I did okay... Picked up a whole new vocab of BI in those 8 days...

Then the Novelty would definitely be the fact that we fed 2 villages, eating food cooked with the river's water... The water is really yucky looking... 2 million people bathe, do their laundry, excrete their waste into this river... And to think we all actually dared to eat the food prepared with these waters... *My stomach churns* But we did not get food poisoning from these food, but MACDONALD'S! Really something new...

I think we served well, and received loads from this trip... I went there filled with trepidations, because at the poorer village we went to, the houses and pavements were built on stilts that looked like they would break anytime soon... Yet I overcame my fears and shifted my focus onto the adorable children... The teenage Ayu (who does not have enough money to continue her studies), the sweet Kiki (who's father passed away last year), her brother Rama (who is sooooo CUTE!!!), the village head's daughter Ayu (so sweet and adorable), Iman and his sister Indah (adorable kids)... And the wonderful thing about them is that they are so simple and everything else is a novelty to them... Though it would definitely have helped that they do not swarm us, push and fight among themselves when we give them sculptured balloons, show them their photo in the digicam... They would MOB you... But it was fun... Haha... That was what happened at the poorer of the two villages we went to feed... The village head looks like a hobbit from LOTR... So farnie... But he is a very nice man... The people of his village showed their gratitude on their faces... They cried, smiled alot and said thank you to us in very many ways... They are just one amazing bunch... Asking for the littlest of ingredients, but whipping up a simple but delicious meal...The second village was bigger and slightly more affluent than the other one... The village head here looks like he came out from Pirates of the Carribean... It was as if these two villages reflected some kind of movie... Haha so funnie... The village head is a very C character (if you happen to know what D.I.S.C. is)... He gave us a list of food to purchase for the banquet, a very long list with something like 20kg of fish, 30 chicken, loads of spices, 30 coconuts etc... During the distribution of the food package, he had a list he followed and that person must come out to collect it... If not we can't move on... Amazingly systematic man... There were more children in this village, and I had my two shuai ges to help me crowd control... Though Melissa was like the "Um Um" cult leader of the village... The story goes like this: She started uming to a boy, he um back she found it cute, tried to find him back after lunch so she started uming at every little boy she saw and soon the whole village's children start uming... Very hilarious... The kids here were not as terrible as their parents, who would fight with the children getting sweets and ballons... They would be cutting the queue to get sweets for their little ones who were to shy, though a loving act on the parent's part, the way they asked for it was not very nice, spinning me around to get my attention (argh!!!) The children would keep to order because of my two shuai ges, they the two slightly older boys of the pack of children, probably about 10 or 11 years old... They are the best... And very fast runners too... Haha... When we left, they ran along the river bank to chase after us, they would often trip over roots or something as the tide was coming in and they couldn't see very well what was in the waters... Then they eventually just jumped into the river... Very adorable boys... They had a very sumptuous, delactable banquet too... Amazing these people are...

Talking about them, makes me miss them... But seriously, right now in my mind, I would like to propose a sponsorship of some kind to allow the children to continue their education after their primary school education ends... I know what it means to be unable to continue your studies because of the lack of money... I went through a rough period like that in my life last year which almost denied me a chance to continue my studies... I have been on scholarships and bursaries to see me through my studies since I was in Secondary 4... That was 4 years ago... Am still on scholarships and bursaries now in my tertiary studies... God has provided me an opportunity to continue my studies... I feel it is time I do something for His kingdom's children... People like the teenage Ayu and Kiki... That is one thing heavy in my heart now... Don't know how to start, or where to start... Apart from Prayer... But need to start it ASAP... As Soon As Possible and will Always Say A Prayer for this project... I know God would make a way... He always does!!! :)

The icing on the cake:When we finished the banquet at the poorer village, taking the small boat back to mainland, we saw a rainbow in the skies... It was as if it is a stamp of God's approval on the work that we had just did in His name...

prayer requests..

I am really excited about the trip to Indonesia... However, I think I've overworked myself preparing all the paperwork and stuff for the trip... Spent the whole day in the office again just to get all the last minute preparation done... Feeling so tired... Is it the weather or is it me? But I am feeling really cold... I really need all the prayers right now... Think my body is not taking all the running around well... The lack of appetite does not really help either... Yet this is really the time when God works His miracles within the team first, allowing us to see His goodness and then when we serve Him, we will remember that He would do the same for the people we are serving... I enjoy serving God, really... Yet sometimes when I do not find my rest in Him, and continue working and working, I begin to tire out... The flight is early tomorrow... Gosh... I wonder I would be able to wake...

God is really good though... Despite all the minor and major hiccups we have had so far, He has shown us that He will see us through it all... I finally gotten everything done... Yeah!!!! Yesterday, the team worked hard together and packed all the old clothes, bought the kids party stuff and exchanged money... Though I still had a whole load of paper work to be done... Hah! Then this morning went to office to get the final things in and done... Thought I wouldn't be able to make the volunteer passes already with everything in the office breaking down, the computer, the printer, the laminating machine... Though the computer and printer resurrected after some prayer and technical support from the wonderful TYS staff, the laminating machine is DEAD!!!! But God sent an angel to pass me empty tag sleeves to put the things in... WoW and I thought I would not be able to create the tags... Well, God is simply too good... Bought the last minute things too... And I dare say, I think I am prepared enough logistically... Now need to start packing my personal belongings...

But first things first, please keep the team and myself in prayer... Thank you... Here are some prayer pointers before we fly off thurday morning... We definitely have a lot of grounds to cover and we might end up extending the trip by about 2 - 3 days... There were some minor hiccups along the way of preparations, and certainly some miscommunication between the agency at the other end, but I know God would help smooth things out... So please pray that we can finish what God has placed in our hearts to do... Thank you... And also, some of the team members are falling sick, in fact there are a few already sick, so please keep them in prayer... Here are some prayer pointers for you to pray for us: 1. Health - please pray for good health for all 10 of us, some are sick so please ask God to heal them. 2. Unity - please pray that the team would be united as one body and also with the other Christians over there. 3. Protection - please pray that we will be protected from the evil one's attacks 4. Strength - please pray that we will have the strength to last throughout the whole trip, the strength to move loads of things (ie rice, clothes etc.) 5. Wisdom - please pray that we will be wise with what we say and do, so that we wouldn't offend the locals... 6. Discernment - please pray that we will be able to discern who are those whom God has sent to help, the suppliers, boatsman, drivers etc... 7. Courage - please pray that we will have the courage to go way out of our personal comfort zone...

Thank GOD!!!

God is really good... Although there was that whole hoo-ha over the lack of money issue I had a few days back, God always prove to be way beyond my understanding... Though the people I've appraoched haven't realli the ability to provide, I thank God for their heart to even try their best to show their support financially... There was this one group, they may not be the most loaded bunch of people around, but they chipped in a little here and a little there and made their pledge out to be $20... It may be a really small sum of money from a big group, but they tried to provide... They had the heart to... That was saturday... God provided and drew the amount needed to be raised down by to almost $200...

Monday was even a better day I suppose... God provided this particular person to aid in His work... God is really good... This person pulled the gap to just a hundred plus left to be raised... That night another friend provided another $20, and I know this person's current financial situation is rather tight, but he still had the heart to provide for God's work...

Today was the best I think... There was just so many things to be done... So many areas of work to cover... And I was still $100 short... But as I tabulated... Counted all the monies together from everyone, there was enough to cover up that $100 shortfall I had... God is REALLY REALLY GOOD!!!! He is simply amazing...

Right now I am really tired, gotta get some more work done... Less than a day more to go before the departure... Friends please keep me in prayer... The whole team and myself... There were certain hiccups as we prepared... But I believe God would smoothen things out, and provide a way out of whatever situations that may arise... What can I say, God is just simply too good...

you just WASTED my time!!! my friend's too!!! ARGH!!!

Gosh I can't believe how dense certain people can be... And I can't believe how some people say they will serve the nations, but find it so difficult to fund others who are going for missions almost immediately... To that particular one person, I think you know who you are, if you happen to chance upon my open diary, I just ask that the Lord has mercy on you... I recall you rising to your feet during the altar call Senior Pastor gave that service when he was talking about our church's new dream... I recall you going down on your knees and say that Lord I will serve the nations, I am here use me... Yet when the opportunity comes a knocking, you hog on to the sponsorship form I gave you although you knew the next day that you would be unable to contribute... I am not so much angry with the fact that you did not fund the missions, but that you waste everybodies' time... I had given you the letter almost a month back, yet you said nothing about your financial inabilties and in fact asked me about it, though I was relunctant to give you one... I am upset that you were so inconsiderate... And because of the stress of the $400 shortfall I have at the moment, I am reaching my tolerance peak... You should thank God that I did not flare up at you... You should also reflect on your irresponsiblity... I am most probably being very judgemental right now, but I have checked my heart and know where it stands... I am just typing this out so that I do not keep it in my heart and let it brew... I harbour no ill intentions, but I really want to do God's work but I have my limitations too... I have my personal financial difficulties too, so it's not just you and my financial situation is a family problem... My parents are bankrupt and I have been constrained by my school timetable to work, so I have not been earning as much I had possibly could... But I am giving whatever I can to enable God's work as it is not mine to say... All these are God's blessings in my life... What I have today is inmaterial, as it has been blessed unto me by God... He can grant me all these material goods, He can also take it all away if I am not a good steward of it... I am trying to be a good steward of God's possessions... And that means everything from finances to time, from material things to things we may not see... What you did today was a was of my time and my friend's time... The time we spent waiting for you to come and pass me that BLANK sponsorship form which I could simply taken back from you when I come back from missions had you told me you couldn't help, could have been spent more fruitfully... And to think that you had the guts to come 30 mins late!!!! Hello! This world does not revolve around you... So please for goodness sake, wake up and be responsible... You wasted my time and my friend's time, both before and after we met you... You wasted our travel fare, that place you chose to meet wasn't the most convenient for us, for you maybe but not us... Such a waste of time... Time I could have used to prepare the paperwork for travel insurance for the team, time I could have used to get ready stuff for the trip, and time I could have spent studying, preparing for my coming semester... You may be in NS now, but that doesn't mean that you can waste your time, or others... Whatever, I do not see a point in getting upset... I was angry that you wasted my time, and could jolly well have flared up... I did not do so as I did not think it would have made a difference anyhow... How lame could you get? Well, it is not for me to say, but I ask that you would search your heart and may the Holy Spirit convict you...

But Lord, despite this I know that You would provide because You are Jehovah Jireh, my provider... And Lord I am sorry that I got upset and probably judgemental... Sorry Lord...

How could I forget to thank YOU?

How could I forget to thank the greatest person in my life? God Almighty, Christ Jesus, Holy Spirit... My triune God... My only source of blessing and strength... Well God has been so good... So so good... He has seen me through all of my days... He has planned everything so wonderfully... He has been so good that I have nothing else to say but WHAT AN AMAZING GOD I have!!!! He is just wonderful... Awesome and very gracious...

My Lord Almighty is just so good... He has blessed me so abundantly... All the way since I accepted Him and I believe way before I even knew Him... God has blessed me with grades just well enough to make it into Fairfield Methodist... That year's cut off was 244... And I think I am the last none primary school fairsian to make it in... Well it wasn't that good cos I was the ONLY one in that class not from Fairfield Primary... Gosh... I never felt the need to be accepted until then... I thought that being a Christian would help me fit in so ha... I accepted Christ... That wasn't a bad thing, but I guess my intentions were rather wrong... But God still love me no less...

He blessed me with wonderful friends... Blessed me with Christian mentors like the Christian Ministry Staff I was all the while close to... Blessed me with a scholarship when I had financial difficulties at home during my Sec 4 year... Blessed me with the ability to go to New Zealand, with the majority of the fare paid for by the school... I had a blessed life in Fairfield...

I had a lot of help in junior college too... Scholarships and awards... Though I wasn't doing that well in school but my lecturers were all so good to me... But I think not doing well enough to get into local U wasn't that bad... I mean He has allowed me to pursue my passion for acting...

Now that I am in LASALLE-SIA, I am doing so well in school that they have always nominated me for scholarships and bursaries... I have favour in my lecturer's eyes... They enjoy my work... Though sometimes I do exasperate them... But then again, they see my diligence too... These are all blessings from God...

Tonight when I did Front-of-House duty for W!LD RICE... I was offered a proposal to come work for them as an ad-hoc Front-of-House Manager... Whoa... God is just too good... I was just lamenting about how I need a job, and there I have a job offer for my next school vacation!!! WoW!!! God is just TOO GOOD!!!

Thank You Lord Father... I just can't thank You enough... And I just want to testify to Your Love!!!

Love... Thanksgiving... (So Christmasy)

"The essence of any great relationship is love." "Loving people means treating them well, making sacrifices for their benefits and helping them to achieve their needs and their dreams."_{- Phil Pringle, You the Leader}

I show my love for different people in different ways... To my family I show them that I love them by buying food... I will buy things that they like to eat and feed them... I buy ice cream, and other traditional food to my parents work place and give it to them... I will call back home and buy dinner for my brothers if they are at home... That is my way of showing I love them... But it may not be the most effective I think... I try to spend time talking and letting them into my life...

I show my love for my friends by meeting them, spending time with them and try to meet their felt needs... I will keep them company if they need to study when I don't... I would go out and meet them even if it is rather out of the way... I will buy stuff to cheer them up, though I may be broke... I will chase after the bus that whole bring my friend home to hold the bus so she could board, though I am not taking that bus...

But I realise that I may not be the most affirming person on earth, cos I hardly do tell them how much they mean to me... I hardly tell my family I love them.... I rarely tell my friends how much I appreciate them... Though I do keep them in my prayers constantly... I guess that's the least I could do...

I may be the mushy expressive crazy Regina but sometimes it is easier typing it out than saying it out... I know that this may not be the best place but seriously typing it out is alot easier to say it out... So here goes...

To my Daddy and Mummy: I don't think you will be reading this... Well not a chance I guess... But just wanna say how much I love and appreciate you... Working those long hours are not easy... Thank you so much for giving me and my brothers the best you could possibly give... Words cannot suffice what you two have done for me... Though you scold and discipline me, I know it is because you love us that why you even bother... Thank you.. (",) And I am still praying that you will come to know God...

To Edric:Though we always fight, you have been a great brother... I know you also want the best for this family... Thank you... I want to talk to you more, you have been so busy, we hardly even talk... You are my little brother and I also want to care for you... So yeah don't ignore me can? Love ya... I am also still praying that you will know God... Don't let money be your god... Let it be your slave, not you its slave ah...

To Edwin:Thanks for the late night talks, the questions about God... Though you may not know it, but I really think that you would come to know God soon... You may be sick, but I want you well... So I will continue praying for you... No matter how many doctors you see, only the Healer of All is able to heal you... So I pray you will come to know God soon... Thanks... (By the way, when can you curl my hair???)

To Melissa my spiritual 'mummy':Thank you for always being there... Thank you for your sacrifices and everything... I know you love me as you would your daughter... If I were your daughter you would have to haven bore me when you first came out of your mothers womb... Haha... Well, really just want to thank you... You are my superwoman No. 1 afer my real mummy... Thanks for bringing me back those tough years... Love ya... Muacks...

To Desiree:Thank you for being so patient, so supportive... Though there are times I might have exasperated you, you would always return the exasperation with a smile... Thanks for being such a wonderful sister in Christ!  Thank you for putting up with my nonsenses... Love ya... Muacks... (By the way you gonna teach me to make tiramisu anot?)

To Yvonne:My witty crappy sister in Christ! Thank you for providing much laughter and spice into my life... Thank you for listening on our long 198 bus rides... Thank you for being so accomodating... Thank you for the support... Thank you for putting up with my bimbotic side that is often insensitive to your feelings and exasperate you to no end... Thank you for putting up with me... Love ya... Muacks...

To Weiying:There may be times that I get angry with you (I am sure that there are times you are with me too... So we're even huh?) Anyway, thanks for being there with me to do treasured work... I am sorry if I step on your toes again... Remind me la... Love ya... Muacks...

To Yiting:Woman! You are one of the quietest sister in Christ I have... Thank you for taming Ah-Tan's tongue when he go overboard with his teasing... Thank you for showing me patience and tolerance... Thank you so much... Love ya... Muacks... (I think you might get goosepimples if you are reading this right)

To Nadine:Darling though you would be leaving for OZ soon... Can't thank you enough for those times of support... Those energy you bring into serving God... There were times in the past that I have not supported you enough... So sorry... But there were lessons learnt... I will miss you! Love ya... Muacks... (Can you don't go?)

To Nuanyi:I've seen you struggle, seen you cry, seen you laugh... Realise that your love for God is so strong... Thank you for all these times we've spend... Thank you for the t-shirt designs... Thank you for everything dear! Love ya... Muacks... (By the way when you free to do the t-shirt?)

To Fiona:We hardly know each other... But the willingness you have to serve is very reassuring and reaffirming... I want to get to know you better... Let's grow together as sisters in Christ... (",)

To Gwen:Hey superwoman no. 2! You are one amazing sister in Christ who has no qualms about giving and serving... Enjoyed the days we spent serving at Northbrooks... Don't let it stop there ya... Let's serve Bt View together... I know you'll be sacrificing loads... But yeah thank God for you heart to serve! Love ya... Muacks...

To the BP girls:There were times when I was exasperated by you girls... But the time I spent leading you were the time I was feeling God the most... Why? Cause those times were trying time... Rushing from school in the east ot CCK in the west... Then the headache of getting the Rhema word that God want to speak to you about... You girls were my first cell group that I lead and though I am not leading you all anymore... I know you all will always have that special place in my heart... Each of you... Elissa, Jen, Seokie, Peiyi, Huifen, Huoyfen, Xinghui, Serene, Grace... (Names not in order of importance ah... You all are as important to me...)

To the BP guys:Though I didn't see you all leave, but I see you guys come back even stronger than before... Really thank God for each of you... KK you are one amazing guy... If I had two younger sisters I would want one of them to know you, the other one to know ZL... Ah-Zhong you are also one amazing guy... All the persecution you face, just show how much you love God... I thank God for you, you are a man after God's heart... The rest of you I know but not as well... But really Eugene, Niap and those I didn't get your names... I want to see you all grow into a man after God's heart... 

To the ladies in Ps Debra's Network (too many of you to name):Thank you all for being kind in your words... Your prayers during ministry time... Your gentle reminders to keep our modesty including mine... Thank you for guarding, protecting and teaching each of us younger girls... Thank you so much to see in terms of Kingdom value and not just your subzone... May the Lord multiply your fruits of labour...

To Yinghan:Thank you for being patient... I am not the most tactful person, but because of Melissa, you also accept me... Haha... Thank you for being a friend and brother in Christ... Grow stronger in the Lord bro...

To Kelvin (Ah-Tan):Though you always making fun of me, and I have told you to stop but you never once did... I thank God for you, not only because Yiting is your girlfriend, but because you are also helping to mould me to become more patient and tolerant... Thank you Ah-Tan... Grow stronger in the Lord ya?

To Jefferson:Eh bro... Thanks for being part of this subzone once... Thank you for being there as a friend and brother in Christ... Grow stronger in the Lord bro...

To Zhengyuan:Brother, you are the funny guy who always help keep an eye for me on the younger girls when I not around... Thank you... May the Lord help you in all that you do as you serve Him... Your destiny is in the Lord brother so continue to be steadfast and hungry for God... Grow stronger in the Lord bro...

To the other guys in Ps William's network:You guys are my brothers in Christ... Thank you for guarding and protecting all your sisters in Christ... There may be those little things that we may not see, but you have been so quietly doing, so thank you... Each of you bro... Grow stronger in the Lord brothers...

To Dale:I remember the times you asked me not to go Sat service because of FAW... Well, I thank God I didn't listen to you then... Now that you are back walking stronger in the Lord, I thank God for those times of trial you had... Bro, keep the faith and be stronger... Thank God for a brother in Christ like you... The world may fade away but the Lord remains... So stand firm in Him... Grow stronger in the Lord bro... ('',)(By the way your new haircut not THAT bad la huh...)

To Gabe:Where on earth did you disappear to? If I hadn't bump into you at my parent's food shop, who you have disappeared from my social circle for good? I pray that you would find God soon and stop asking all these intriging questions that I can't answer that only He can...

To the rest in FAW:I may not have been the best secretary-treasurer you have... Neither have I been the best concert manager... But I enjoyed making music with you guys... Think that's why I used to rush like mad from Marine Parade to Fairfield for band pracs on Sat evenings... Thanks for all the wonderful memories...

To Shulin:Thanks for all the gentle reminders, the knocking of heads etc... Thanks for being the other conscientious worker in class... Thank you so much... May the Lord bless you in all that you do... Remember that the Lord will always be there, we may move away, but the Lord remains the same yesterday, today and forevermore...

To the seniors, juniors and fellow mates of LASALLE:Thanks for the guidance, the patience and the willingness to impart your knowledge to me when I show I need to learn... I may be the least tactful person on the face of the earth, and might have offended you unknowingly... So I am very sorry... I thank God for each of you and may He bless you through it all...

There are many more people I can give thanks for... I may not have named each of you, but I do thank God for each of you... Friends from Church, Friends from School, Friends from Work... Etc... Too many to name and thank... I just can't thank each of you enough... May the Lord's blessing be with all of you who know Him... Those that do not, I pray that you all find Him soon... God bless all of you...

Mission Possible... Wherever we are...

I like going on missions... It opens my eyes to the world... Helps me appreciate God's blessings in my live so much more... It is an amazing time of learning and growth... I think everyone should go for missions at least once in their lifetime if they have the chance... I find so much worth serving and being of help to these unpriviledged people...

Sometimes I wonder, if I am more priviledged then them or are they more priviledged than me... I mean they lead such simple life... Though they may sometimes struggle to meet end's meet, but they seem have simpler needs... Not as complicated as my life I think... True they may have their woes and troubles... But their needs appear to be so much simpler... As simple as just making ends meet... As simple as having enough to eat... Or being able to provide an education for their children...

Though going to the rural parts of Indonesia feels like going through a time machine and returning to the 60s and 70s of Singapore, but really it is definitely an experience worth having... The simplicity of life, the reality of their needs just open so many doors for God to work His awesome miracles... I may not be able to phantom what God has installed for these people, but I know that my work and time spent serving them is definitely worth it... I know that as much as I serve God by serving these people He has called me to serve I see His love for them, they too see God's love for them...

But really sometimes missions can be done in Singapore within our community too... Going to serve in an area where is beyond our comfort zone is also missions... I think as a musician, who has never done girl's brigade before, it is really out of my comfort zone to do GB... I mean I have never done drill... Didn't really like the GB in my secondary school (cos they always fighting with us when it comes to recruitment)... So never really imagined myself as a GB girl... So it is really weird that in three months time I will become an officer... Whoa quite overwhelming...

I think my fellow spiritual sisters also very brave... My spiritual mummy was in band just like me, knows nuts about GB, yet she is throwing herself into being Captain of 46th Coy... Amazing! My spiritual sisters are amazing too! I mean look at Des... Whoa this meek girl who always have her inner turmoils... Well she is serving in GB... Look at Von... She is a GB girl alrite... But to do it at 46th Coy as an Officer... Well that's another ball game... Weiying too... She knew nuts about GB... A little about drill etc... But she is all so willing to serve... Fiona and Gwen, they maybe unavailable on weekdays at the moment, but they still try to go out of their way to try to serve... I thank God for each of them... Their hearts to serve God wherever He has called them to... Sometimes these little things goes unseen, yet I am sure our Maker of the Universe sees it and is most definitely please...

I feel that real missions need not go overseas to be categorised as missions... Going into a different ground that is foreign is also missions... Both are the same... Going to foreign land to do God's work... So yeah... You need not take a plane and fly out of Singapore to do missions... You can do it right here as long as you set your heart to love God... Cos when you love Him, you would obey His calling and carry out the task immediately... Having the faith that He will see you through... So yeah I am so totally thankful and graeful from the bottom of my heart that He has called me to serve Him... I am glad that I am obeying Him and so are those around me... It is very heartening to see everyone so passionate in serving Him... And I thank God for these people within my spiritual family...

Joshua 24:15 - But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord. 

The church vision is that "We will serve the nations by planting and building apostolic faith communities of disciple-makers for Jesus through the establishment of cutting-edge ministries
in gateway citiesI believe that by serving where we are we are also estabilshing cutting-edge ministries... God is good all the time... And because He is so good and so real... I will serve Him all the days of my life, as long as He allows me to...

Protection... Guarding... Accountabilty...

Somehow after going out today I have to say I agree with the book... I think going out with a member of the opposite gender in a group takes the strain out of talking to anyone person at any time through out the time spent together... I did find the idea weird at first, what I mean to say is it is just not very me... I have always found myself rather comfortable hanging out with guys no matter what context it is, be it one-to-one or in a group... I don't see it as a date, I might be deceiving myself but to me it's like hanging out with my brothers... That's just what I do with my brothers too...  So I have not seen the problem or "dangers" before... But today, I found it really assuring to have my spiritual sisters around... Though it was just coffee and stuff, and I did not really act anymore differently when I hang out with other guys or gals, I was glad to know that my sisters will be there for me to protect and guard me...

What I am trying to say is that... I would rather be more careful, than to tread on thin ice... I feel that although I may not think about it consciously, in my sub-conscious overactive mind I might be thinking it even if I think I am not... (Am I making sense?) But anyway, I think it is better to be safe than sorry... I know myself (I think) I know that when a guy is nice to me in the slightest sense, I would think him to be a nice guy... Even at first I might not like that person, but then I would go home and mull over it and think that he is nice and stuff, then I would think I like him in a romantic sense, when I actually don't... Haha so silly of me... But I tend to do such stuff... So I realise today that going out like with the protection of my sisters can guard my weak heart... I wouldn't think that person is nice to me cos I would see how he is nice to the others too... Haha... So yeah I prefer going out with the protection of my spiritual sisters...  (",)

I think it is important to guard each other and help each other grow... So yeah, I think I am doing good... But then again I think I think too much... Well, I am only using 5% of my brain... So yeah... I am one contradicting silly girl... 

/IgNoReD

To the world I may seem like I have many friends... Yet here I am ignored by the very people that I am close to... SMS messages not replyed - I replyed you yet you chose to relay the message through someone else... Presence ignored - I was beside you yet you chose to chat with someone else on the phone... Played out - I asked you out, you first agreed, and then you went back on your words and chose to go out with someone else... So what am I to you? Someone you call when you haev no one else? I may appear to have many friends, but yet how many are true? When we hang out and talk, it is always about someone else... How am I suppose to know you better if you do not talk about yourself to me? I do not need to hear about others... Neither am I your personal news caster, updating you about mutual friends... Why is it that nothing deeper is discussed or brought up between us? When we chill, I always feel like the third wheel... Sometimes I do wonder if my presence is even needed... You seem so happy with the rest, you do not need me... I always end up in my own little world, while you are in your world with your friends... I am but just the intruder... You say we are friends, I feel more like strangers... I made plans, you can always suggest better, but no you just chose to be out of it all, and turn your back on me and hang out with someone else... I wanted to spend time with you, but you wanted otherwise... I was so glad that we are going out, but you apparently did not want to... Why did not you say so? Why did you agree in the first place? If you do not want to go out with me, fine... Just say so... Don't need to patronise me...

So fine. I give up. I don't want to do the initiation anymore. I am tired. Tired of being ignored, tired of trying so hard. I tried so hard and do all these planning and stuff, and yet I end up getting rejected. I am tired of all these. You fear rejection. So do I. You think I am that secured? I am not. I may appear to be stronger than everyone else, but you do not know how vulnerable I am. I may be that crazy spontaneous spark. But a spark is just a spark! When the energy is gone, it will die off too...

You come to me when you need something... You push everything to me... Yeah it may be "treasured work"... Yeah I may have good memory... I may be efficient etc etc... Whatever you have decided to label me with... Yeah you will come to me... You will seek me to give you an answer, a decision, whatever you need, I am sure to most probably have it right? Well... I don't... And I am tired of telling you "I don't know"... When I say that, you give me that weird look... As if Miss Know-it-all suddenly don't know... Well I am not Miss Know-it-all... That's just a label you have put on me... I am me... And I don't have all the answers to all your problems...

When you need someone, I try my best to be there... When you need something, I try my best to provide... Whenever, wherever, I tried my best to meet your needs... This may be selfish of me, but I have needs too, I want you to be there when I need you too... But you weren't... You chose to /ignore me... So now I am telling you that before you can /ignore me, I will do that to you... I don't want to hurt... I don't want to cry myself to sleep every night... I am ignoring you...

You made the choice yourself. You want to spend time with someone else? Go ahead, it's fine by me... After all who am I to say anything... I don't care anymore... I don't need your attention... I don't need you... You decided, you chose it to be like this... Don't blame me... You made your own choices, no one force you or coerced you to do so... So too bad!

So little I can do...

Sometimes I just feel so useless, unable to help the people around me, unable to make them feel better... Take des for example, I wish I could be there for her now... 5:11PM... She needed someone to show her care and concern, to keep her company and motivate her to study... Here I am having my holiday... Nothing much at hand to do... Yet all I could really do was to chat with her online... Not much of a help I guess... Then there is wy... So sick and at my home... We had bible study in the morning, then headed for my home cos it was nearer... Went in search of macaroni soup for her, couldn't find any... Settled for horrible fish ball vermicilli and glass noodles... I thought I had the medication from the last time around... Forgot I threw it out... Now she's sleeping on my sofa... Wonder if she will get better... I think I should go to the Chinese Medicine Shop across to get her Pi Pa Gao... I feel like I can't do much for anyone... But I know deep down that the Lord will be by their sides... To guide them, to heal them, to hold them in His arms and comfort them... All I can possibly do now is pray that the Lord will be by their sides... For wy He will be her Jehovah Rapha, healing her of her illness... For des He will be her Jehovah Jireh, providing all that she needs... Guess that's all I can do right? Pray... =)

Be joyful always; pray continually;

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

- 1 Thessalonians 5: 16 - 18

whAt Is lOvE???

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.                                                                               

- 1 John 4: 10 - 11

I totally agree that this is the basis of the way we relate to each other. Not that we love first, but God first loved us and gave us an example to follow, that we can actually have the capacity to go love others. I am currently reading this book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. Though I only started on the book less than half an hour ago and have only read the first chapter, I am beginning to see what it means to love or to say that we love. It is not about selfish agendas, but all about selfless sacrifices. Just as Jesus did by example. Just as God sent his Son to die for us, because he loved us and wanted us back in his kingdom and not to be damned eternally.

This new revelation brought me to a new humbling point. How selfish I must have been. I might not have known it, but God knows. And this revelation just meant that I have been missing the point, probably. I always thought I had loved those around me unconditionally. I tried to love as unconditionally as I possibly can, in my own human understanding. I loved those who seemed unlovely, tolerated all those who hurt me and forgave them and loved them for who they are. I think I had loved and accepted them only because it is a commandment given by God, but not because I really want to deep down from within my heart. How selfish of me... I think I have been controlled by what felt good, but have not been controlled by God's love. It feels good to know that I love these people despite all that they have had done to me. It has been a feel good approach, knowing and being comforted by the fact that I am doing what is pleasing in God's eyes. But it is after all a selfish intention, I think. It was not exactly sincere and genuine love I suppose, as God would have loved. I have not been controlled by God's love.

For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.

- 2 Corinthians 5: 14 - 15

The bottomline is I feel that I have not lived for God and for the good of others. I have done all that seemed right, all that is right, but have yet to grasp the concept of truly laying down all my rights and living for others' good and not my own. I have always been giving, rarely wanting anything in return. I suppose that makes me a loving Christian, whose priorities have always been for the good of others, but why do I feel like I have not done enough? Is it just my self reproach working against me? Making me feel undeserving and useless? I do not know. Right now I do not know whether I have been living for God or for my own. I do not seem to know anything. O Lord, grant me the wisdom to discern. The ability to hear what is right and what is wrong. To shut out the "evil" voices in my head.

I want to love and grow more in wisdom. I want to love for God. These are all my wants, but is it what God wants from me? I do not know. I do agree with the author when he says that each person has to examine his or her own life and ask what it means to love others like Christ. That our love for others be shaped by God's love for us. Love that looks beyond personal desires and the gratification of the moment. But a love that looks at the big picture: serving others and glorifying God. I think I do need to step back each time I want to love others and look and review what is my agenda, why am I doing so.

I am not swearing off dating. I have not even dated for the past 6 years for goodness sake. The last time I dated the guy, I do not consider that dating cause I looked at it platonically. I went out with him in groups, got to know him better, enjoyed his company and that is all. We did NOT even hold hands throughout the so called dating process, except maybe the ice skating incident, but that is where it left off. And I do not consider him a boyfriend, he was just a friend and I was only 14. So not considered. Haha... I may say on and off I like this guy or that guy, but I am never serious. I like them because they are nice to me. They treat me like a younger sister, something that I have not felt before. I have always been an older sister to my biological brothers, to everyone else. I mother them. But I have not been taken care of and it is a nice feeling. So maybe I am confusing my feelings, but the truth is they are nice to me with no other hidden agendas I think. And I am nice to them because they are nice to me. So I think that is it. I am just basically a easily contented girl. But I know I will not settle for anything less than what God has prepared for me. Until then I will stay pure in every aspect of my life for God, so that I can honour him in all that I do. =)

_{P/S: I have only read the first chapter. So until I have more insight, I guess I have to stop here.}

 

 

Laying it all down... Relinquishing my rights...

I cried at service today. It has been a long time since I last shed a tear. Somehow it was liken getting rid of the load off my back. I just had so much hurts and pained by the words of people all around me. I totally agree that words have the power... They have the power to build or to tear, the power to make live and the power to destroy. I did not realise how hurt I actually am, until today when I came before the Lord and laid it all down, opening my heart to Him again. Although I did not cry buckets, I thank God for the release. The release of everything that has built up in my heart. The release of His word in my life.

---

Pastor Victor prayed this for me. He did not know my course of study, so I guess he does not know how much those words touched me. {God really loves me alot.} This I know. I can't really remember the exact words used throughout the prayer. In fact I cannot remember the prayer, but this is the gist of the vision Ps Victor saw...

I was on a stage, darkness all around me and all the spotlight is on me. I did not seem to enjoy the attention given. I appeared afraid and nervous. But this is a stage, a pulpit, where my voice is heard. I need not fear as God is shining His light on me, and I can have my security in Him. Something about me being different, and reflecting God's light into the world around me. Something about me using my big voice...

I really don't know what it meant, I am not even sure whether I am even remembering it right. But upon meditation, I realised that it is rather true of the situation I am in right now. I mean as a drama student I should be adoring the limelight and attention, basking in it all. But I am NOT...

I actually hate the extra attention showered upon me by my lecturers, dislike the fact that I am more outspoken than my counterparts, abhor the titles that has been bestowed upon me...

I did not want to hold any form of leadership position in my course. Not the slightest bit. Though I do like being in control, but this is something I wish I could squirm out of. My classmates and seniors dislike me, just because I am the more outspoken, high achiever I am. It is not as if I wanted it. I would very much not want to be level representative and relinquish all the extra responsibilities that come with it. I very much would like to be in the background.

Something my classmate said once has made me very aware of things happening in school for me. She said that I was the teacher's pet. Generally my lecturers like me, well I guess it is because I am spontaneous, interactive, engage in the discussions and have the edge over my classmates because of my passion and work harder than them. But I never ever saw myself as the teacher's pet. I thank God I find favour in my lecturers' eyes. That does not mean their expectations of me are slacker, but in fact I think I feel more stressed. But anyway I just don't like the spotlight. Don't like the unwanted attention. Was sharing the feelings I have about it on wednesday at Bible Study with Pastor Debra. Now I am more assured of God's word to me: RELY ON HIM. FOR HE IS MY STRENGTH AND TOWER OF SUPPORT. 

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." _{Philippians 4:13}

---

It is as simple as that I think and as Pastor Debra puts it... [Pray.] I simply just have to wait on Him. Learning to be a Mary in a Martha world.

 

In God's hands... He's in control of it all...

I am feeling so helpless right now. There is so much I want to do yet so little I can do. I saw this as my only opportunity right now to really fully wholeheartedly serve God. I want to do it so much that I am willing to sacrifice my time and resources for it. I dare not say I will forfeit my school hours for it, afterall as much as I am full time Christian, I also have my responsibilities as a student foremost too.

This is so contradictory for me. I am full time Christian so ministry should come first and foremost. Yet my obligations as a full time student in Singapore ties me down to commitments to my school timetable too. Argh! Full-time Christian, Part-time Student. But why is it so hard? I cannot forfeit my studies to do God's work as I feel that it is also a calling that I am in my course of study that is so different from others. If it is not God's calling, He would not have placed me where I am and provided me the monies I need to pay of the school fees.

How many FULL TIME Christians are also drama students in Singapore? Apart from me I think there might only be another one or two. How many drama FULL TIME Christians are also doing GB? I don't know any other apart from myself. All these lamenting might sound whiny and discontented. But I want to serve. I want to further God's kingdom. And right now I know my only way possible, the only open door seems to GB. But why has the school gone into a 5 day week? Because of so, I am useless if my timetable is as crappy as it is this semster.

I know GB is a long term investment of time and resources. But I am not looking for rewards, I am looking for an avenue to serve and yet at the same time have a set of rules to adhere to so that I need not worry about certain stuff. I know that there are other outlets and other ways to serve God, but now that I have a heart for the girls, it is rather difficult to let go and leave them. I know my ways are not God's ways. I know He has a better plans for me.

"...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..." _{- Jeremiah 29:11}

I do not know what God's plans are for me, but I do not want to see my service to God being nullified by the ways of Man. It might be my deceitful heart deceiving me. But with the 5 day week, many things are limited. For the time being I guess my work in GB would appear to be nullified. I do not see how I could contribute to GB since I am so limited by the constraints of my timetable. It is not only myself but every other persons I see who have a heart for GB. But I guess for now the possibilities of my contribution and service to further God's kingdom would be nullified by the current situation. But my hope is in God. I believe that God works in miraculous ways. I believe in miracles and I know that God will make a way, when there seems to be no ways. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, holding me closely to His side. God will make a way, if His plans are for me to be serving in GB. I just have to learn to trust in Him simply. As I have asked Him to help me regain that simple faith I once knew.

"Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord."

                                                                                      _{- Proverbs 16:19}

I just have to obey whatever God has planned and sending me to do.

"For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."

                                                                                       _{- Philippians 2:13}

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." _{-Philippians 4: 6 - 7}

 

My moods are liken the skies...

The skies are grey.... My mood is too... There seems to be this dark cloud looming around in my heart... I hadn't been my chirpest or jolliest since my holidays started... well simple as that I AM BORED... B-O-R-E-D... Bored.... I feel as if I am allowing my life to waste away... Allowing it all to fade like the passing wind... Settling onto the next moment like the dust of life... I need a bit more spark in my life... Something to keep me busy and not allow me to think of my life as waste...

Actually I do have a lot going on for me now... Girls' Brigade... Humanitarian trip... Camps... Audition... So why o why am I feeling this bored??? The in between periods for all these are just too far apart I guess... I am bored in the in betweens... And everyone else having their exams does not help... I have no one to go out with... aRGH.... Lord I need a bit more meaning into this seemingly mundane life... I am ready to do things for You... To go that extra mile... Just use me Lord... Don't let me grow cobwebs and die.... Idle hands are sinful hands... So I don't want to idle too much Lord... I want more moments of activity... More More More... I want more more more... More of Jesus... Give me more to do Lord... I don't think I will ever tire myself... I know when to draw the lines... Lord help me do Your will...

The skies are raining... I feel like crying... Crying not because I want to... but I think I need to... Need to let all the steam out... Feel like dunking my head into the pool and let all my troubles melt away... I want to cry but I think I have forgotten how to... My tear ducts are not working as well as before... In the past I could switch it on or off based on my whims and fancy... But of late it has not been working... Am I sick?

Why am I so emotionless now? Am I becoming hardened and indifferent to the way things are around me? Why aren't my tear ducts working? Why am I not able to let my pent up emotions out? I feel choke... Suffocating... But I guess this is just me and my mood swings... They have been swinging with the weather when I am bored and doing nothing meaningful in my life... Should get down to reading and writing my plays... No inspiration... God send me Your muse... Let me write a God-inspired play that would glorify thy name...

Worry No More

It has not been easy these past few days. I have my fears and trepidations, all these doubts that keep coming up. Maybe I just simply worry too much. So much so that I do not know how to categorise these feelings I am having. I do not even know what exactly I am feeling. I want to enjoy my singlehood, but when my schedule is not as packed as I liked it to be, there is a sense of loss, as if I am not making full use of every moment I have. Right now I do not even know where exactly the problem lies. I had long handed in the eraser of my life to God, writing my plans in pencil and allowing God to erase my plans. So why am I feeling like this?

I think my problem lies with the fact that I think too much. My over-active limbic system worry about everything, things within my control and those outside my control. I simply worry too much and go into panic mode when things are not exactly right. So I think that is why I am at such a loss. Not because I cannot give it up to God, but because I give it up and then take it back again when I feel that I am not in control. I am a control freak, God help me. I have simply forgotten how to simply trust in God.

I can see His disappointment in all the other aspects, so why not here? God has proved His providence in my life in every other aspect of my life. I want to trust in His providence in these aspects too. I know that He will provide, 'cause He promised. He has proved for so many before me, so I know I can put my trust in Him in terms of all my relationships. God, I just want to trust in You with that simple faith I used to have. That childlike faith that has seen me through. O Lord give me that simple faith once more. I know that You will provide.

Lord I will turn my worry into meditation. "When one thinks about a problem over and over in his/ her mind, that's called worry. When one thinks about God's word over and over in his/ her mind, that's meditation." So I will do just that for "the Lord is my shepherd; I shall not be in want." Because the more I think about God's word, the less I'll think about my worries.

The S.P.E.C.I.A.L. Guy God has planned for me...

Spirituality He must be a constantly growing Christian, a man after God's heart, a servant leader. He must be a good steward of what has been placed in his charge. He should be constantly striving to be the best at whatever he does, so as to glorify God. (1 Corinthians 4:2 - Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful.)

Personality determined, adventurous, directive, initiative, vivacious, interactive, stable, organised, reliable, sincere, supportive, conscientious, cautious

Emotional Emotionally stable/ balance. Able to express himself clearly. Not afraid to cry. Not afraid to love.

Character Has the fruit of the spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gratefulness, gentleness and self-control. Not a quitter. Has integrity and righteous. Flexible guy who can adapt to sudden situations, knowing the right time to be firm or yield.

Intellectual Able to hold a decent conversation with people upon the first acquaintance. Smart enough to not bore me to death. (I'm easily bored) Able to banter with me and intrigue me with questions. Have a good sense of humour that would crack me up. Creative, able to think out of the box.

Aptitude Sporty (Can blade, skate, dribble, climb, swim etc. You get the idea) Arty (appreciates art at least) Musically inclined (Plays at least one instrument) Able to hold a tune well (doesn't sing out of tune)  At least support me in my artistic attempts as a theater practitioner.

Looks Taller than me. Well-groomed. Good-looking (need not be handsome, more like having a likeable appearance, won't get beaten up because of his looks) An accurate reflection of the condition of his heart.

These are the things I look for in a guy... Though Looks are not of most importance... I am still listing it down... I think this is basically the importance I would want it to be... But I am sure God would provide... And the guy provided by God would definitely fit all these criteria...

 

POSSIBLE? IMPOSSIBLE? WHAT?

Is it true that two rather similar persons can never agree with each other? It appears that when two such examples are placed together, they will often end up arguing over the simplest, most trivial matters. Could they never settle on anything amicably? Can these two people, so alike, ever come to an agreement on any issue, big or small, without first having an argument over it? Will they ever reach an unanimous decision without first having a verbal warfare with each other? Is it possuble that they will never agree? Will they ever come to terms with each other's point of view? Can they for once engage in amicable conversation? Is this possible? Could they converse with each other without having interludes of banter? Could they for once interact with each other harmoniously?-IS IT GOING TO BE POSSIBLE-I don't know if it is ever going to happen. Apparently not I guess. Somehow based on personal experience it seems an impossible task. The road is filled with stumbling blocks that prevent harmonious co-existence. Everytime we meet there is bound to be banter. Friends feel that this is the chemistry that the two of us share. They often say that we squabble like a long-time couple. Which I dare to beg to differ. How is it possible that the two of us can to our friends appear as a couple when we are at loggerheads with each other? We can be friends but nothing more in my opinion. The two of us are just unable to ever agree on anything. But I dare say that I think we are unanimous about the fact that the two of us never be ever considered a couple. Never!-IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE!!!- 

Vulnerability

I'm seriously unsure... Confused... Stuck in this libido... Not knowing what to expect... Not sure whether I will fall...Or maintain my balance... I want out!!!! But deep inside meI know that the answers I need are on their way... Too many questions that I want answers to... But not getting these answers fast enough... Never knew I could feel so vulnerable... But now I do...

These questions keep swirling in my head... Just like a witch's brew in her culdron... Though I know it might harm me... I still long for that little bit of magic... Some spell-boung answers...Can't seem to stop it... Questions keep flashing pass... Feel as if I am going down... Don't want to be on this downward spiral...Down into this bottomless pit... I know if I'm there I'll never get out... The world will see me in my most vulnerable state... Yet, I also know that it will liberate me... I can be true when I'm there... Seeing me vulnerable the world would want to protect me... Cause it finally see the real me... And truly love me for who I really am...

To turn left or right... Walk on straight or stop in my tracks... I simply do not know what next... One thing is for sure though... I need to keep on moving... Keep my momentum up and carry on... Onwards, left or right... Choices I inevitably have to make... As long as I hold my pace... I can continue to ponder... Take my time to wonder... The decision is ultimately in my hands... Give or take it's up to me... Gritting my teeth and pressing on... I'm praying hard that everything is going to be A-OK... Whatever, whenever, whoever... When it comes, it comes... No matter how hard I try to hide...It will still come... I'll just have to face the facts and smile =) Let my guard down a little at a time... Soon it'll be time to embrace the world... Time to show my vulnerablity... Nothing will shield me then... Nothing will hide me then... I just have to stand up and be me... The other side of me...

a poem I like...

MAD GIRL'S LOVE SONG
^{A VILLANELLE By Sylvia Plath}

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my lids and all is born again. (I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red, And arbitrary blackness gallops in; I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane. (I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade: Exit seraphim and Satan's men: I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said, But I grow old and I forget your name. (I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead; At least when spring comes they roar back again. I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.(I think I made you up inside my head.)