This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
- 1 John 4: 10 - 11
I totally agree that this is the basis of the way we relate to each other. Not that we love first, but God first loved us and gave us an example to follow, that we can actually have the capacity to go love others. I am currently reading this book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. Though I only started on the book less than half an hour ago and have only read the first chapter, I am beginning to see what it means to love or to say that we love. It is not about selfish agendas, but all about selfless sacrifices. Just as Jesus did by example. Just as God sent his Son to die for us, because he loved us and wanted us back in his kingdom and not to be damned eternally.
This new revelation brought me to a new humbling point. How selfish I must have been. I might not have known it, but God knows. And this revelation just meant that I have been missing the point, probably. I always thought I had loved those around me unconditionally. I tried to love as unconditionally as I possibly can, in my own human understanding. I loved those who seemed unlovely, tolerated all those who hurt me and forgave them and loved them for who they are. I think I had loved and accepted them only because it is a commandment given by God, but not because I really want to deep down from within my heart. How selfish of me... I think I have been controlled by what felt good, but have not been controlled by God's love. It feels good to know that I love these people despite all that they have had done to me. It has been a feel good approach, knowing and being comforted by the fact that I am doing what is pleasing in God's eyes. But it is after all a selfish intention, I think. It was not exactly sincere and genuine love I suppose, as God would have loved. I have not been controlled by God's love.
For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.
- 2 Corinthians 5: 14 - 15
The bottomline is I feel that I have not lived for God and for the good of others. I have done all that seemed right, all that is right, but have yet to grasp the concept of truly laying down all my rights and living for others' good and not my own. I have always been giving, rarely wanting anything in return. I suppose that makes me a loving Christian, whose priorities have always been for the good of others, but why do I feel like I have not done enough? Is it just my self reproach working against me? Making me feel undeserving and useless? I do not know. Right now I do not know whether I have been living for God or for my own. I do not seem to know anything. O Lord, grant me the wisdom to discern. The ability to hear what is right and what is wrong. To shut out the "evil" voices in my head.
I want to love and grow more in wisdom. I want to love for God. These are all my wants, but is it what God wants from me? I do not know. I do agree with the author when he says that each person has to examine his or her own life and ask what it means to love others like Christ. That our love for others be shaped by God's love for us. Love that looks beyond personal desires and the gratification of the moment. But a love that looks at the big picture: serving others and glorifying God. I think I do need to step back each time I want to love others and look and review what is my agenda, why am I doing so.
I am not swearing off dating. I have not even dated for the past 6 years for goodness sake. The last time I dated the guy, I do not consider that dating cause I looked at it platonically. I went out with him in groups, got to know him better, enjoyed his company and that is all. We did NOT even hold hands throughout the so called dating process, except maybe the ice skating incident, but that is where it left off. And I do not consider him a boyfriend, he was just a friend and I was only 14. So not considered. Haha... I may say on and off I like this guy or that guy, but I am never serious. I like them because they are nice to me. They treat me like a younger sister, something that I have not felt before. I have always been an older sister to my biological brothers, to everyone else. I mother them. But I have not been taken care of and it is a nice feeling. So maybe I am confusing my feelings, but the truth is they are nice to me with no other hidden agendas I think. And I am nice to them because they are nice to me. So I think that is it. I am just basically a easily contented girl. But I know I will not settle for anything less than what God has prepared for me. Until then I will stay pure in every aspect of my life for God, so that I can honour him in all that I do. =)
P/S: I have only read the first chapter. So until I have more insight, I guess I have to stop here.
No comments:
Post a Comment