I am feeling so helpless right now. There is so much I want to do yet so little I can do. I saw this as my only opportunity right now to really fully wholeheartedly serve God. I want to do it so much that I am willing to sacrifice my time and resources for it. I dare not say I will forfeit my school hours for it, afterall as much as I am full time Christian, I also have my responsibilities as a student foremost too.
This is so contradictory for me. I am full time Christian so ministry should come first and foremost. Yet my obligations as a full time student in Singapore ties me down to commitments to my school timetable too. Argh! Full-time Christian, Part-time Student. But why is it so hard? I cannot forfeit my studies to do God's work as I feel that it is also a calling that I am in my course of study that is so different from others. If it is not God's calling, He would not have placed me where I am and provided me the monies I need to pay of the school fees.
How many FULL TIME Christians are also drama students in Singapore? Apart from me I think there might only be another one or two. How many drama FULL TIME Christians are also doing GB? I don't know any other apart from myself. All these lamenting might sound whiny and discontented. But I want to serve. I want to further God's kingdom. And right now I know my only way possible, the only open door seems to GB. But why has the school gone into a 5 day week? Because of so, I am useless if my timetable is as crappy as it is this semster.
I know GB is a long term investment of time and resources. But I am not looking for rewards, I am looking for an avenue to serve and yet at the same time have a set of rules to adhere to so that I need not worry about certain stuff. I know that there are other outlets and other ways to serve God, but now that I have a heart for the girls, it is rather difficult to let go and leave them. I know my ways are not God's ways. I know He has a better plans for me.
"...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..." - Jeremiah 29:11
I do not know what God's plans are for me, but I do not want to see my service to God being nullified by the ways of Man. It might be my deceitful heart deceiving me. But with the 5 day week, many things are limited. For the time being I guess my work in GB would appear to be nullified. I do not see how I could contribute to GB since I am so limited by the constraints of my timetable. It is not only myself but every other persons I see who have a heart for GB. But I guess for now the possibilities of my contribution and service to further God's kingdom would be nullified by the current situation. But my hope is in God. I believe that God works in miraculous ways. I believe in miracles and I know that God will make a way, when there seems to be no ways. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, holding me closely to His side. God will make a way, if His plans are for me to be serving in GB. I just have to learn to trust in Him simply. As I have asked Him to help me regain that simple faith I once knew.
"Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord."
- Proverbs 16:19
I just have to obey whatever God has planned and sending me to do.
"For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."
- Philippians 2:13
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4: 6 - 7
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