It's been a really long time...

It's been awhile since I blogged... Hmm... Just wasn't motivated bah...

Well... Have been training for the Stand Chart Marathon 10km run... though not very regularly...

Was suppose to go... But because I've to be at encounter weekend, I'm giving it a miss...

Still I went to collect the run kit last sunday, though I'm not running... I've paid $45 anyway... might as well right?

Well, while I was there... California Fitness was having their roadshow at the sports exhibition or something... Out of sheer curiosity... I went onto the "evil" machine of California Fitness...

Why do I call it the "evil" machine??? Well...

For one, it tells you brutal truth about your own body...

Two, it tells you really how truly fat you are...

Maybe it is because I've yet heard private fitness clubs offering such low rates, I joined...

Haha... I succumbed to the fitness freak in me... Though it is really a small freak...

Calculated the opportunity costs... And it was a win-win situation I guess...

I save my money from eating junk... from snacking... and pool those money together, and pay for the gym membership... I still get some money left over bah...

I mean, instead of spending $6-7 at the fast foods... I spend $2-$3.50 at the hawker or simply prepare food and bring it to work... I can save about $3.50-$4 per meal... that's like $10.50-$12 per day... and that's between $315-$360 per month! Wah!!! got enough money to pay for gym membership, insurance and still have money left for buying pretty dresses... and I have yet calculate the amount I could have spend on snacks! haha...

And also... Having started working out since a long time, I actually feel that the exercises I am doing is waking my lazy muscles up...

Am aching all over after tuesday's machine circuit... the fit pro, a rather cute guy... haha... (another incentive of going to the gym... they employ cuties to be personal trainers... eye candy... muahahaha...) was teaching me how to work out using those machines... he was pushing me to my limits...motivating me to just press on that one last set... it was fun... but now muscles I've forgotten that they ever exist are aching... just below my collar bones... at the back of my shoulders and shoulder blades... the inner thigh... the triceps and biceps... you can say that every muscle is more or less aching... but it is a good ache... haha... am I mad or what... then on wednesday attended hip-hop and stretch classes at the gym... hip hop was fun... stretch made me realise that I'm not as flexible as before... things I could easily do like splits, I suddenly cannot do... but the deep stretch relieved the aching muscles a little... thursday I went for bodycombat and dance-a-mania... Bodycombat was fun, but really tiring for me... Guess my stamina not up to par yet bah... Dance-a-mania made me feel good... Easy dance steps for me la... Some others were struggling... But, I managed to keep up... It felt like school all over again... This was what I did while in college mah... haha... Am gonna go for LatinoJam and BodyPump tomorrow... Am mad la... But I wanna have a taster of the classes I think I would like... And see if I would go for it in future...

Am looking forward to losing 17kg in 3 months... It's important to have a healthy body... For our body is the temple of God... if we don't take care of the temple of God, who else will???

Am going to encounter as a guide... been awhile since I've done this... but I believe the Holy Spirit will guide me... He will give me the discernment and wisdom to pray for the participants... God is moving... I can sense it... From the day He gave me an open door to a new job that could expand my okios and build my spiritual siblings' cell... to the day He gave me the courage to go to my current bosses to say I quit... to me not going for missions, but staying in Singapore... there is a reason... and His reason is so that I can help minister to His children... so please grant me the wisdom O Lord, give me the courage O Lord and guide me as I guide Your daughters O Lord... Thank You Lord... May Your will be done... As I ask all these in Jesus' name, amen!

We've graduated...

little rambling...

my entries are far and few... guess i should blog a little more... sigh... but sometimes, it is just difficult to put it to words...

need to get the clutter out of my life...

as i age... i realise that i am leading a more cluttered life... now that i have turned 22... and embarking on my 23rd year... i look around my room and realise that my room is rather cluttered... and i can't help but wonder if it reflects my inner self...

the clutter starts here... with fictional books...

the clutter continues... with literature and ministry materials...

clutter on my desk... a result of me trying to declutter the other clutter infested areas...

the clutter even continues to my window... where i hang flowers i received from my baptism 3 years ago... and from my previous productions...

it is time to declutter...

i can't help but not start... cos i am feeling warm... my fan broke down on me...

image is wrongly rotated... but u get the picture...

maybe i am procrastinating...

Tea...

of late i have became an even more avid drinker of tea...
green teas, floral teas...
any tea without the need to add milk or sugar is my favourite...
and of course...
the typical singaporean teh...
from teh-o (tea without milk) to teh-peng (iced milk tea)...
well...
i just love my cuppa tea...
in fact i am sipping a cuppa now...
marks & spencers' organic camomile limeflower & lavender tea...
simply unwinding...

just feeling a little off...

i dunno how to put this... but this is a feeling that has been bothering me for the past few evenings and i just simply need to vent it out before it does me too much damage...

ok... how shall i rant...

hmm... been going for auditions and not having any callbacks... been wondering what exactly is wrong with me... because of that, i've been feeling a little inferior... i feel fat and ugly... i feel as if i am being overlooked most of the time... the guys around me are my friends... but they are all interested in my friends... sometimes i wonder if they are friends with me just so that they can get to know my friends... but i don't think that is the case... it's just a depressive spirit making me feel so... it is also probably because of the many weddings that have been happening and are going to happen... hmm... or it is probably just the fact that i am getting older... and yearning to feel validated by another human being... i dunno... but this feeling has been getting me down over and over again... i simply have to overcome this... i have to stop this self pitying cycle.... Lord help me...

God created Man... Both male and female He created them... From the dust He created the male... From the rib He created the female... As we are created from the bone, women are fragile... Women need to find the body to be complete... Men need to find their missing rib to be complete... Girls are bones and needs to be protected... I need to be protected...

end of rant

been playing around with photoshop...

been bored since my graduation... had nothing better to do than to play around with some of the programmes on my laptop... and found some joy in all of my adobe products... it is really quite fun... adobe go live... now i am able to come up with rather professional looking websites... can visit it at www.reginaelonchua.com (yap... i got myself a domain... haha... ) i must be mad... and also adobe photoshop... a sample of what i did with it below... am still exploring its endless possibilities...

waxing lyrical...

it's been a while since i last blogged... a long while... so this might be long... i dunno...

it's been hmm... 72hrs since the final show for my years in LaSalle-SIA... and so far... i am sorta feeling slightly lost... but i guess as a fresh graduate i am doing rather well... i've got a few auditions lined up... starting my internship with Singapore Drama Educators Association as project manager tomorrow... for a fresh grad... i think i am actually in quite a good position...

i feel that God is indeed a good good good God... He placed me in this path that i have embarked on nearly 3 years ago... along the way... He has been affirming this decision made... He dangled carrots in front of me to keep me motivated and not lose my direction... with job offers even before i graduated... then came the disappointment to know that those carrots had rotted away... yet... i shall not lose faith... because as those old carrots get stale and rotten, God is constantly changing those carrots... i am actually quite amazed at how quickly i've found an internship... and lined up quite a couple of auditions within 3 days of my graduation... wow...

but all said... i think i still do terribly need more affirmation... though i did well for the production of Golden Child... not because i think i did... but because of the accolades that i received from the audience... many came up to me and said that my acting was superb... that they felt the manipulative sly and shrewd chinese woman in Eng Luan, the character i played... and that many wanted to hit Eng Luan... i am truly humbled... all praise be unto God... without fail i committed each and every evening show unto His hands... and He made everything work... perfectly...

with our lecturers telling each of us that with this sending off production that we each have proven that we are no longer student-actors but we are now full fledged professionals... it simply means that all of our hardwork and heart work have not gone to waste... now each and every one of us simply need to prove to this big cruel industry that we are good enough to be part of it and it should not shut us out... it should open it's big wide arms and embrace this new batch of talented actors who have just graduated from LaSalle-SIA College of the Arts' Theatre Arts course... simply put... we are well trained hardworking actors... who simply want to be given a chance to prove that we are not merely fresh graduates... so wad says you, you who calls yourself the creative industry of Singapore???

familiarity...

the thing is after what pastor william was saying today during prayer meeting strucked me... Jesus has a date with me on 14th Feb... haha... so i am not dateless... :) seriously speaking... i dun fully understand this hype about valentine's day... haha... prolly because i am not in love... that's whi y i am saying so...

another thing that pastor debra said about the tactics that guys and girls use to attract each others' attention strucked me too... haha... the clarification that some people made made the listed tactics even more hilarious... haha... to think that he would think that i would read too much into what he has been saying to me... haha... gosh... i dun understand guys at the very least... and that is prolly why the oub ladies' card tag line is "the men just dont get it..." haha... well... i think it would apply vice versa... haha...

but it does set me thinking... do i give my guy friends such a comfortable friendship that they are beginning to take me for granted??? it also set me thinking why are things as they are now??? i am afterall still a girl, and i guess all girls deep inside them want to be treated like princesses... and i definitely wish to be treated like a princess... as i am afterall a princess of the king of kings... and i am getting these vibes from my guy friends that i am one of them...

sometimes i cannot help but question myself if i am simply too friendly... simply too easy-going... so much so that my guy friends are comfortable in this friendship... and the friendship is in a rather familiar state... i am confused... i dun know what to do... sometime i feel that there is a need to distant my friendships so that it wont go into the state of familiarity that i become a little confused with where the friendship is heading towards...

yet again... everything will fall into place in His time... God has willed everything to be in His time... and this is prolly a phase that i need to go through... to learn to be stronger... to learn to guard my heart better... this is an issue that i have been struggling with... i guess i allow my heart to waver whenever a close guy friend is any nicer than usual... and it is not a good thing... sometimes i just end up feeling terrible... as i hate the thought of a perfectly good platonic friendship to turn awkward... but that's just me... haha...

i like to keep things simple... to keep my friendships clearer... and it prolly is not fair to my friends... but when i sense a danger of the boundaries blurring, i would withdraw... and prolly stop talking to the person in question for awhile... which my throw my friend in question into confusion... and not fair to the person in question...

well... for the time being... my utmost important task at the moment now is to be even more familiar with my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ... i have to... i cannot allow my friendships with my friends, be it guys or gurls... to be more familiar than with God... He is with me twenty-four/seven... and my friends are only with me for at most a few hours a day... so how can my friendships with my Lord be more familiar than that of my friends??? i need to be careful who i am getting too familiar with... :)

reunion dinner... part II...

okie... so my family had reunion dinner last night... on the eve's of CNY... we had steamboat la... two stoves for the beef eaters and the non-beef eaters... so ended up only my female cousins and i sat at the beef eating steamboat... haha... so we just ate and ate beef... and abalone... mostly... haha...

well... before the reunion dinner... i had to go buy the meats... the yu sheng... and some cushion covers... haha... so i spent my late morning till early afternoon at takashimaya... bought $88 worth of meats... then when i got home... i got asked by my brother whether i wanna go trim my hair at the hair salon at paragon, where our hairstylist is... i went as he kept saying my hair is messy... so i left all my meats unmarinated and went to cut my hair... only to reach home by 6pm... haha... but thank God that i have hosted two steamboat parties at my place for the past 2 weekends... so though i had little time, i managed to get everything ready before my grandma, uncles and aunties came...

okie that was CNY eve...

today, CNY, went to do V-pact for youth service... many din come... but i believe that those who came were blessed... before service, was a little bored... haha... cos i had nothing much to do... so i end up prettifying faith and grace... faith took my makeup pouch and started rummaging through it... when i was helping her sis... faith in her little seven year old mind took my lip liner out thinking it was eyebrow pencil and drew on her eyebrows... so when grace and i turn to see this little monkey... we couldn't help but burst out laughing at her... thank God i had moisturiser in my pouch... so i managed to turn the little dirty cat into pretty little princess... the two sisters nearly cleared my collection of hairclips... and stickers... they are really good at this... haha... thank goodness eight year old grace is not as vain as her little sister... but both are vain la... a little too vain for children their age... but which little girl dun wanna look pretty right??? so yeah... i managed to please these two little princesses that they are very pretty le...

after service... went to my uncle's place for family reunion dinner part ii... after dinner... my cousin, brother and i ended up playing mahjong... i won $6.70... so now a bit gian for mahjong... heehee... anyway... CNY is the only time i play this much... other times i have no time for it... haha... so must play until i satisfied this CNY... but of course... i need to go memorise my script... so yeah... CNY is getting a bit sianz thinking of the fact that i gotta memorise my lines... haha... okie i shall go do my work... and continue with part iii tomorrow... cos my family have many reunion dinners...

reunion dinner... part I...

just finished seeing the last four ladies of my subzone out my door... we had our subzone reunion steamboat dinner at my place tonight... it was a messy but fun affair... being the host of this year's first subzone "outing" is a little stressful... not because i don't enjoy doing such stuff... it is because of the tight schedule i was keeping this week... everything has been a little chaotic... haha...

imagine... to the horror of my horrors... coming home after school this evening, half an hour before the scheduled time for everyone to be there, to find that there is no soup base for the steamboat... and i have no backup plan!!! so in my panic... i dunk everything that i know must go into the soup base into the pot... added enough water... and set it to boil... haha... thank goodness my mum has taught me well... and next... to realise that i have forgotten to cook rice 15 minutes later... and that i forgot to cut up the egg tofu... the crabmeat sticks... the yada yada yada... but thank God that being one family... we were not as unforgiving with each other... in fact... everyone helped entertained everyone... bottomline... i think everyone enjoyed themselves... the fellowship and fun shared over a meal often surpasses other forms of fellowship... i think that is why Jesus did most of His most important teachings and fellowships through sharing a meal... be it feeding the 5000... the 4000... or just His disciples... Jesus often choose to do it over meals... and i think tonight, though it was rather chaotic... we had fun and we fed each other... we enjoyed ourselves...

it was funny... how we start cooking, grilling food for ourselves and our friends... and then we put the food in each other's plate to have that piece of tofu... or meat... go full circle round the table... everyone seems to just cook... and no one was really eating... that is of course until it reaches the younger kids' plates... being children... they just eat... and as the older people of the group, we ended up being too polite... cooking for each other and not ourselves... children are rather obliging... even if the food do not taste that fantastic, they will still eat it... haha... kai and rachel are very good examples... the GB girls are a little less forgiving... being secondary school kid, they are a little more demanding... but still rather forgiving... the rest of us... just kept feeding the younger kids... haha... it is quite amazing how much yvonne and my estimation of food is just nice... though we had a tad too much crabmeat sticks... well we had not much of a choice... haha... it was 3 for $2.85... so we had to get 3 packets... when 2 packets would have suffice... apart from that... all other food was consumed... though the beef was a little lacking... din realise that it would be such a hit... haha... i guess it is in the marination... haha... i have good marination techniques... haha... masterfoods teriyaki sauce... that isn't that teriyaki... but works rather well on beef... haha... that's my secret recipe for tender and sweet beef...

val was saying that whoever marries me will have good food to eat... haha... guess i am not that bad a cook... haha... can be married off already according to sik... haha... guess the good thing that comes out of hosting such dinner parties would be that one gets complimented on her skills... =) and the rewarding thing to a good host is that everyone had an enjoyable time...

after eating so much tonight... hopefully i can still fit my new year clothes on sunday... =p

depressed... upset... resoluted...

well... i pricked my finger on saturday evening... slept the whole day... guess last week was a little too tiring for me... the only reason i managed to sleep 16 hours straight without waking up is because i was so dead tired... and i guessed i just wanted to run away from some stuff that i cannot handle... i just wanted to sleep all my troubles away... but what was i to know? when i woke up and i wanted to pick something up from my floor, i pricked my right thumb and index finger on some unidentified objected... and that something is still lodged in my index finger till today... sigh...

i love to window shop, but when i have to try on something, i tend to hate shopping... i guess i get depress after all that trying on of clothes... it's always like... how come some girls can find clothes so easily, but i have so much problem finding clothes that i like that will fit me... sigh... that's when i get upset and just regret going shopping totally... ha... if anyone asks me after a sad day of ungratifying shopping what i dislike about my body, i would say that it is my chunky thighs... my big hips... my flat and wide feet... yada yada... and the list goes one... one thing i hate is buying bottoms... singaporean sizes are not very flattering on the ego... it makes me feel terrible about myself... if i were to go to dorothy perkins, topshop or m & s... i wouldn't have a problem finding clothes that fit... but they are damn expensive... sigh... then there are those dreadful shoe shops, where they only display the common sizes... so much so that i hate asking the sales person for my shoe size... it is especially terrible if i end up trying a couple of pairs and not buying any... the daggers would come out... and i would feel terrible...

but enough of me dreading CNY shopping... on the whole, i still managed to get clothes that i like eventually... cos i went on a sorta shopping spree last night... bought two pairs of shoes from charles & keith... a pair of red heels and a pair of khaki flats... bought a blessed tee shirt from the christian pushcart at J8... expensive... but i simply like it... bought a cream top with gold details from ebase... that's about it... the day before that, i went out with von and des... bought two bottoms... a green pleated skirt... and a pair of dark coloured jeans... spent slightly over $200 in all... just nice... within my budget... =) guess it is not that difficult for me to manage my finances well... one of my new year resolution is to manage my finances better... and so far so good... haha...

i can't wait for the day i get the car... my parents applied for a loan for a suzuki swift... i am praying hard that the loan gets approved... which means after CNY i will get to drive a car around and no longer have to squeeze in dreadful buses during rush hours.. and it also means that i will be able to drive my friends cum neighbours for service or other church stuff... or simply go out in the late nights for supper with the la kopi gang or the others, without worrying about transportation... until the loan gets approved, i can only dream... :) maybe i should just put that picture of that suzuki swift in lilac in my dream book... haha...

another of my new year resolution was to guard my heart well... i guess... i am trying to guard my heart so hard that the friendships i have with some of my guy friends would probably begin to feel the strain... but i guess this is an approach i have to take before i find myself liking them more than simply platonic friends... i am being overly cautious here... but i guess prevention is better than cure... i cannot allow myself to spoil a perfectly fine friendship because i develop romantic feelings for my guy friend due to proximity... i do not think such relationship will last as it is not because i truly like him, but more like i am comfortable around him... i am a perfectionist... and anything less than the best that God has for me will not do... and because the heart is deceiving above all else... i have to guard it even more... i need to translate head knowledge into heart work... or else i will end up hurting myself and thwarting God's plans for me... this may sound silly, but i feel a need to honour God by guarding my heart... for i need to love my King first and foremost... my God is a jealous God... and should there be another in my heart, it would break His heart... until the day that i can truly say that God takes first place above all things, even my husband-to-be... i will never be ready for a relationship... because i might forget my first love... being distant from my closer guy friends might seem a little drastic... but i believe that all friendships are blessings from God... and if i can let go of the blessings and focus on the Blesser, only then can i be truly called "blessed"... and i believe that the Lord only has plans to prosper me... not to harm me... so by giving up my friendships to the Lord, i believe that He will take care of everything else... because everything is on loan from God... i am simply a steward of the things He has placed in my charge... if i take care of the things that i am called to take care of well... only then will i be called a good and faithful servant at the end of the day... that's my goal... i may sound as if i am spouting nonsense... that i am being incoherent... but these words simply reflect what i am thinking... at the end of the day, i might not show that much concern over some of my guy friends, but it does not mean that i don't care about them... but i simply will not want to be too emotionally connected with them so that i do not end up feeling all funny inside... sound illogical... but i guess you would need to be in my shoes to understand... i strongly believe that i am a princess who belongs to the King of Kings... and that He has chosen the one that He has had long planned for me... He only wants the best of the bests for me... and i simply have to be patient and carry out my duties in a manner befitting of a princess... only then will my prince come... =) someday my prince will come... and this prince of mine is chosen by my Daddy, the King of Kings... =)

class reunion...

hmm... i have come to realise that old friends from days of old are some what better than those superficial fair-weathered friends of my tertiary institution... have been blogging about how alone and ostractised i have been feeling in school... it is amazing that i even managed to get through this week rather unscath...

it is now nearly 6.30 in the morning... and i just sent of the last two jc friends of mine who came for our class reunion... this is the close knitted jc class of mine... 01A01 of Pioneer JC... it is amazing how time has just whizzed past us... it seemed like yesterday we were still mugging for our "A" levels... and now, nearly most of us are graduating or going on to do our honours... and Eddie Koh is leaving teaching to go to Melbourne to futher his studies...

we started our class reunion last evening at 7.30pm... spent time over a steamboat dinner at my house... and then we went on to celebrate the birthdays of those whose birthdays fall in Jan and Feb... we had chocolate banana cake served with cookies and cream ice-cream as well as almond mocha ice-cream... thanks to the brillant idea of mine... haha... and of course we started our usual games of bridge and mahjong...

that is why the last two classmates of mine just left my doorsteps half an hour ago... we decided to play mahjong and bridge overnight... and now i am really tired... but i thank God that i have friends who may not be around me all the time, but we still have fun when we come together... i am actually looking forward to the next class gathering... sigh... how i miss those nearly carefree days of yonderyears...

oikie... gotta go sleep... am unable to focus... and typing with loads of typo and everything is becoming rather blurry... so i am off to sleep... hopefully i do not oversleep... cos i have tonnes of homework to do..

lessons this week..

just came back from cell not too long ago... cell was good today... not that cell has not been good... but today's cell is special... it's been awhile since we all presented ourselves before each other, before the Lord so broken and contrite... we all may appear to have a somewhat strong and happy exterior... but behind each of our strong exterior hides the broken and contrite heart that we all bear... and to see my fellow sisters being real before the Lord and this family... it is simply humbling...

throughout this week, i feel that the Lord has allowed all the trials and tribulations to come to mould me... i mean reflecting upon the things that have happened this week... i think i have grown... i thank God for His strength that has seen me through... and i know there is still a long way to go to grow more like Jesus... indeed verse 9 from 2 Corinthians 12 has never ring so true... His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect when I am week... only in our weaknesses is the Lord's strength most evident... thank God for His grace and mercy... for His gentleness and kindness... if not i doubt i would have been able to survive this week...

been doing a lot of thinking... i used to believe strongly that guys and girls can maintain strictly platonic frienships... but as i grow older.. as i get to know some guy friends deeper than others... i find myself sharing things that i wouldn't share with other guys... and i think it is not good for me... i mean... when we share certain things in our lives with our friends, there are certain emotional attachments... and with that comes certain expectations... and often such friends end up being familiars that remain in our comfort zones... for friendships with girls, it is perfectly okay... cos i mean, i would never ever develop romantic feelings for them... but for friendships with guys, i am beginning to have my doubts... i mean, i have been very much like a "brother" to them... i am one of the guys... but then being the girl that i am, sometimes i can't help wondering if i am not attached because i have such good guy friends that i hang out with that guys who don't really know me well enough, but knows me do not dare to approach me because they think i m attached... haha... silly me... yet i can't help but to review all my friendships... i guess, apart from me trying to guard my own heart... i would need my spiritual brothers to help me guard mine too... so fellow brothers who are reading this... help me guard my heart ok? it would definitely protect yourself... i am a girl who can be really good friends with people... but my heart is really vulnerable when i open my heart out...

why i say what i said above is because it is something that i think the Lord is warning me about... there have been signs and signals that the Lord has been giving me... that's why i am saying what i said... i seriously need to guard my own heart... i believe that the Lord will provide... but until the day i obey His voice and draw my lines more clearly in my friendships with my guy friends, i don't think i would ever be ready for the guy the Lord is to provide... i simply have to let go of my friendships and let God take care of everything...

thank You Lord for Your promises... for the covenant You've given to me... thank You Lord... i am indeed blessed!!!

thank You Lord for letting me feel Your Heart...

today i think i fought a spiritual battle that left me feeling the heart of God..
being ostracised by my classmates all of a sudden, and the situation with my spiritual daughter... the former left me feeling very alone when there were so many around me... the latter made me feel the heartache of God when His daughter choose to disobey Him... both allowed me to feel Him so intimately...

it is one thing to know God, and another to feel His heart for His children...

i must say, these trials that the Lord has allowed simply did amazing things to my life today...

first of all, He brought me to a new level of confidence in Him... disciplining on behalf of the Father is not easy... i am so afraid that i would misrepresent Him that i kept running back to Melissa, my spiritual Mama to confirm the things i am doing... but when Mel said to handle it on my own, only then that i release myself into the hands of the Father and allowed Him to use me as His vessel to discipline His beloved daughter... i thank God i have new found confidence in Him...

second of all, a very important lesson that though i may be shunned by my classmates, i am not alone... i stil have the Holy Spirit with me all the time... and He will never leave me nor forsake me... for He is faithful and He is my comforter... if not for the alone time i have to myself today, i might have just zipped through the day without leaning on Him for strength and wisdom to carry on...

thirdly... i think there is a new breakthrough with my relationship with my mother... she saw me crying in my room, and i explained to her why... and told her that i think i understand how she feels when we reject her cause we disagree with her... somehow apologising for those times now was so much easier... because of the humbled position i am in... and also, i believe, that through this my mother will see that the Lord has indeed changed me... and through my being a testimony of God's grace and mercy, my household will be saved...

fourthly, my relationship with my spiritual mommy has new breakthroughs too... i am beginning to see the resemblance in the situation that i am in now... it was almost the same with that of mine when i was struggling with her... the root of the situation - insubmission... now that i have a breakthrough in this area, the Lord has graciously allow me to be trained in handling these situation... i do not believe in karma, but i do believe that because i have been through it, that i would understand and know how to handle it better...

last of all, the power of prayer... having gone for the network prayer meeting on saturday, i am beginning to see the things that we have prayed for during that day begin to take shape... though it is still very early to say it is... but i believe and i claim in faith that the things that the Lord has promised WILL indeed come to pass and T.E.O. can do nothing about it... because the battle has already been won... and the more he wanna fight, he will realise that this daughter of the King of kings is not someone to be trifled with... i am a warrior princess... i will put on the armour of the Lord and fight the battle... even if it would cost me everything... i would still do so... for everything i have on this earth is on loan from my Father, so what matters most is me fulfilling the task my Lord has given me... and that is to pray ceaselessly...

i thank God for those times when He tells me He loves me in His amazing ways... and tonight when i felt His heart so truly in me that i couldn't stop crying, i realised that this is how much He cries out for me... how much He cries out for His children... and as i cried out to Him for strength, as i seek my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ for their prayers... as i humbled myself before Him to say that without Him i cannot do this, He affirms me... in the most beautiful way... through a brother, He gave him a vision, a vision for me...

God impresses upon me a picture of you... dancing onstage, a ballerina you dance His glory, His will of steps for you, and He is pleased. the audience claps half-heartedly, you struggle and your smile is apprehensice. but your Lord cries... in response to the dance which you put so much heart nad soul into and He tells you, my dear... you who are weary, worry not of the world, I am pleased. do you not see My tears for you? they are tears of joy. I will give you rest. only I can give you rest.
then he said, now u need to finish the dance, and then run back to Him. that's what u're told by Him to do. do it. and look not to the world.

this vision sounds so familiar... i have heard it before... i heard it when i was reading the book called Divine Dance a year or so back... and i remember writing and entry about it... i guess i have forgotten, that's why the reminder...

my God, thank You... thank You for being who You are... thank You for being so amazing... thank You for humbling me time and time again... thank You for training me to be the best i can be for You... thank You for letting me feel Your heart...

no one said the Christian walk is easy... but it is not difficult to walk if your partner is God...

sometime, like the dancer in this picture, i feel so alone on this stage... and i forget that i am dancing for my King, and He is simply delighted by my dance...

give thanks in all circumstances

Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer. How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame? How long will you love delusions and seek false gods? Selah Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself; the LORD will hear when I call to him. In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Selah Offer right sacrifices and trust in the LORD.
Psalm 4:1-5

How the words of God speak to our hearts when we need it most... How He reveals His Words to speak so timely to the situations... God is simply amazing...

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
James 1:2-3

Just a few moments ago, i had an argument with one of my spiritual daughters... At one point through out the MSN conversation, i was fuming mad to the brink of tears, as i realise that whatever i am saying is received negatively by her and that she is missing the point... a phone call to Mel allowed the Lord to remind me to be grace and loving as i discipline and put forth my stand... and as i read the daily bread for today entitled No grudges after sunset... i can't help but repent of my sinning against this sister of mine... in my frustration, harsh words came out... and no matter how much grace and love abounded in the words to follow, just did not make any impact on her... realising that i have misrepresented God most likely, i repented... i am not saying that God is not a harsh God, but i am saying that in my harshness, the grace and love did not come through... God may be harsh, but His grace and His love for us still comes through clearly.. and in this area, i have failed to represent Him truly...

i thank God for the lessons He is teaching me through this... not only is He allowing me to make my stand in this situation, He is also allowing me to learn to represent Him more accurately... i thank God that when i seeked Mel for help, she did not spoonfed me with the things to say or do... but she reminded me that i have been appointed leadership over this daughter of my King, and that i have every right to correct her, that i am chosen to be used to discipline her... so i can speak confidently, because i am God's chosen... i thank God that He is giving me the opportunity to learn to be gentle yet firm... that He showed me what not to do through this situation... i thank God that He is empowering me with the experiences i need as a leader to handle such situations... i thank God that God loves both of us enough to allow me to be able to learn something out of this and at the same time reminding her of the promises she made to God... there is a lot more to thank God about out of this situation... but most importantly, i thank God that He is God... that He is sovereign and holy...

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

there are times when i do hope my spiritual daughters need not go through the trials, but then again, who am i to hinder God's plans for them... all i can do is make my stand clear in the situations that arise, and then let go and let God... will at all times, interceding for God's wisdom to come upon us all until the final decision is made...

true intimacy - knowing God's heart and obeying it

True worship is a life of obedience and out of that life will flow songs of worship, which will delight the heart of God.

i do hope that every aspect of my life is pleasing to the Lord... that it delights the heart of God... sometimes, i feel so unworthy... i feel as if i have disappointed the Lord during certain moments of the day... i feel as if i haven't done the things that He had wanted to be done... i am most guilty of such deeds i suppose... joining in on some gossip here and there... oh how i repent and try not to do so each day... oh how tough is it... cos even just having that thought, i have sinned...
but i am grateful... i am grateful that the Lord is merciful... that He is gracious... that each time i repent of the sin, He forgives... and He helps guard me so that the next possible chance i might not sin against Him... though i still do falter, He is faithful in His pursuit of me... how much more could i ask of the King of kings??? how much more could i ask of my Father... when He knows best...

There are some things we don't have to pray about! We should already know God's desire before we even ask.

was reading the chapter call "what hinders true intimacy?" in the book Drawing Near by John Bevere... and it speaks of how Balaam, a prophet of in the Old Testament, who was gifted with a great gift of prophesy... although he is anointed with such spiritual gifting, he was enticed by money and recognition... and so when the enemy used this against Balaam, through the elders of Moab and Midian and other men of greater position and honor... Balaam seeked the Lord about the situation as to whether he should go with these men to curse the Israelites... in my mind i was thinking... how stupid can Balaam be??? the Lord has said that the Israelites are His chosen people, and through them many will be blessed... how can you ask God for permission to curse His chosen people???
there and then, the Lord revealed to me... that this is how most of us are living our lives... there are certain things that we balantly know that it is against the plans of the Lord with certain options opened to us... things that we ought to know well enough not to ask God for... i mean... it would be like asking God when i see a non-Christian guy whom i fancy for permission to date him... (not that i would to so... haha...) this is like committing spiritual suicide... but then, the Lord told me that, there are balant things that we know we must not do and need not ask about it... however, there are the "grey" areas that we try to squirm our way around... and there and then, i knew that the Lord was not talking about the things He said we must not do... He was talking about the things that He is asking me to wait.. the things that He has already said not now... i am guilty of asking God for some things and even when i have heard Him say wait... i still ask God to give it to me, day after day... but that's not what He wants from me... He doesn't need my prompting, cause He said wait... He wanted me to WAIT... and i am not obeying... what we must realise is that when we covet something contrary to God's will for us, God will often give it to us; His answer is according to the idols resident in our hearts. He does this to recapture our hearts. this is stated in Ezekiel 14:4-5... i have gone through a few such phases in life, and of course seen a few such instances... all i can say that i did not realise it to its fullest revelation until today... when God opened my eyes and revealed to me... thank God for this revelation... i pray that i will not fall into this rut of disobedience again...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a furture..." - Jeremiah 29:11

hmm...

is it by pure coincidence that the monologue i have chosen to do is one that simply jumped out at me??? the story is not about me... but this is one character who i find that i can easily relate to... i mean... the monologue starts out saying that "a beautiful woman should never have to beg for the love of a man..." and it goes on to how she was called names when she was child... how most asian girls have a "plateface" and squinty eyes that are slits like papercuts tiny... how her hair is straight flat not shiny... but no matter what... as she said "outside i am ugly no i know. but i am beautiful in my heart yes God knows my heart is the home of great love." and about how the men she met in her life weren't beautiful inside or out... she missed nothing... she don't feel bad about having no one... because "this beautiful woman will never beg."

i was thinking how like me... haha... well... i may not have squinty eyes that are slits like papercuts tiny... but i don't really think i am the kind of girl people would call pretty... haha... well... there are times in my life when i wished that i had higher cheekbones, bigger eyes, better skin... but i have come to realise through all the teasing i have had in all my life, it doesn't matter... i have been teased all my life since i can remember and up till today i am still being teased about the way i look... but seriously i am not caring as much as i would have five years ago... i am comfortable as i am... of course i need to be healthy and all... but i am comfortable in my own skin... and i have learnt to draw strength from my Father in the recent years when ugly comments come along my way... i am perfect in my Father's eyes... He loves me and sent His Son to die for me not for how i look... but simply for me... =) thank God He doesn't judge us on our appearances, but He looks at the conditions of our heart... and i know that my heart is like that of the character in the monologue... my heart is the home of great love...

it's funny how God affirms His daughters... as much as i may have felt comfortable in my own skin... i always find my fellow spiritual sisters prettier, more attractive, sweeter looking than myself... and i have from time to time tried my very best to play matchmaker for them... even if it is with guys i myself find attracted to... somehow, to avoid rejection, i have hidden behind this mask of feeling unworthy, to prevent getting hurt myself i guess...

a few days back, a friend of mine was telling me that there are two kind of girls... the nice girls and the good girls... and i belong to the good girls... was a little confused, but he explained... nice girls are very easy to find... nice girls = easy to get, easy companionship... makes you feel nice... and that good girls are the ones with good characters... nice girls everywhere also have, but good girls are hard to come by... well... as much as i may not possess the most feminine of characters, at least i do have good characters... haha... i guess, some times i am simply not as gentle as Jesus would be... i mean... if i were gentle, Pastor William wouldn't tell me "Regina, gentle..." almost everytime he gets the chance to... =) well, like i stated in my 2006 resolution, that i have sent to my spiritual mama, Mel, i would like to see more growth in gentleness in my Spirit... i guess in the past few months i have increased my gentleness, though it might be minute... but i think in the last months i have grown, there is still more room to grow... and of course bottomline is to be more like Jesus...

just as unexpected as my friend's comment was a few days back, Gwen, one of my spiritual sisters, messaged me on MSN saying "juz wanna drop by and tell you that you are actually very pretty. you gt very distinct features. well......try not to eat too much. =) you will be gorgeous." and then she went on to say that Mel also agrees that i am pretty... at first i was wondering why such a message out of the blue... then i begin to see that this might simply being God affirming me through His children that i am good enough for Him, that i am pretty in His eyes...

i think of late, i have been busying myself with work, to take my spare thoughts off the "distractions" of life... and i think the Lord sees me beating myself up, because i am trying to conceal how i am feeling deep down inside... and He just wanted to tell me that He loves me no matter what the world may say... =)

thank You Lord, for Your affirmation...
thank You for sending Your angels to affirm me...
thank You guys for being God's angels...
thank You for simply showering Your love on me...
thank You for not letting me beg... =)

school's tiring, but Thank God for His sustenance!

i m exhausted... this is only the third day of school... and i m EXHAUSTED... gosh... i m wondering if i can survive this last semester... my graduating semester... *sigh* but i will persevere on... this is what the Lord has called me to do... so i shall grit my teeth and just bear with the crazy heavy schedule... and i shall stop whining about how tiring school is... well... i shall after i end this entry... heehee...

school started on 3rd Jan... and it started off with dance class... may be it was all the holiday goodies... maybe it is the lack of exercise during the holidays due to the busy schedule of work... but the cardio-aerobic warm up sequence almost killed me... was able to hold the plank position for as long as needed... but i barely held on for 40secs... and the crunches... it was such a breeze last semester... this semester, i was in pain by the 8th set... oh gosh... how unhealthy have i become over the holidays??? arrggghhhhh....
after dance class, as strenuous as it was, i survived and was able to have enough energy to still practice it one last time for safety and memory sake... but rehearsal for chekov sapped away whatever last energy i have in me... we had to do RUSSIAN FOLK DANCE!!!! thank God i took Russian character dance when i was doing ballet... but our director, Mary Tear, is a physical theatre director... thus we not only had to do the Russian dance steps... we had to do all our various falls and fight sequences... by all accounts... none of these were relaxing at the very least... by the end of the rehearsals, i was deadbeat...
and that was just my FIRST day!!!!

Thank God 2nd day was slightly less strenuous... but still as tiring... cos we still had rehearsals on the 2nd day of school! Today, is by far, the most relaxing of the past three days... Arts Management in the morning, theory class... so it was simply sitting there and listening to the lecturer... answering her questions from time to time... which required NO movements... then we had singing... which was also rather light, probably the only thing that had much to do was my vocal cords and diaphragm... after which, my friends and i had a loooong lunch at Parkway, as lecturer Yu-Beng wasn't here for our 1st class... and finally, my school day ended with voice lesson... which was relatively brainless and movement-less today...
but probably due to the fact that i lost sleep last night... due to a cyst on the bottom of my right upper eyelid, causing me loads of pain and discomfort, so much so that i was still awake at 3am... and waking up at 6.30am to go to school so that i won't be late for my 9am class halfway around the island... yeah... woke up with bloodshot eyes and looking rather pale and listless... i looked so terrible that some of my school mates who saw me thought i am ill... haha... but Thank God i ended my day with cell at Mel's place... a much needed spiritual boost and rest... it is comforting to end a busy day just dwelling in the Lord's presence and seeking Him... also nice to end the day in fellowship with my spiritual family... a refreshing change of environment from school...

The Lord is my sustainer.

am reading this book called Drawing Near by John Bevere... it is a really insightful book... and reflecting upon the words in the book... i now realise the dangers that we as believers are exposed to... i mean, these dangers can go undetected... like how we can be thinking that we love God... but not realise that we are only in love with the what God can do for me... we might just fall into the trap of loving the blessings more than the Blesser... i thank God that He has allowed me this priviledge to realise the existance of this trap... i was checking myself... and i agree with the author on this point... when we have that burning bush experience, encountering God in His full glory and awesome-ness... we would tend to desired the Lord Himself more than His promised blessings... but there are those who love God conditionally... when their desires are elevated over His heart or presence... they are happy and thankful as long as God is doing what they want when they wnat it and unhappy whenever God isn't doing what they want when they want it... i happened to fall into the second category of people before encounter weekend... and ever since then, i can say that i have begin to find myself getting into the first category of God's people...

why am i so confident to say that i am beginning to find myself in the first category?

well... this confidence is not in myself... but in God... i must say that the Lord has revealed so many of His promises to me in the past three years of serving Him that it is hard to turn away from Him... i am not saying there are no low periods since then... like Moses, i do get frustrated, i do come to my wits' end while serving Him... but the Lord has graciously shown me time and time again that He loves me unconditionally... that He loves me just as i am... that nothing i can do would make Him love me any more or any less...

there has been many downs and ups in these past few years... but without fail, God always assures me of His love for me... and because He first love me, that i can love Him back... that i am even given this priviledge to bless Him... i thank God that He has allowed me to see God beyond being Jehovah Jireh... i thank God that through the years, He has romanced me and ransomed me, allowing me to see Him as simply God... in all His glory and splendor... i thank God that i am His chosen... that He has hand picked me to love Him for who He is and not for what He can do for me... i thank God for the revelation that i am blessed not because of what i have done, but because He chooses to bless me... i thank God that i am able to come thirsty to Him and when i draw near to Him, He comes even nearer... i thank God for choosing to allow me to dwell in His presence...

Thank You God...
Thank You for inviting me into Your presence...

school's starting...

school's starting tomorrow... there are mixed feelings... i am looking forward to it as well as am apprehensive about it... looking forward as it is my last semester before graduation... apprehensive as i am not sure if i am going to be employed by the time i graduate... in this line of performing arts, somehow things are rather uncertain... right now i can only pray that i am doing things in line with God's plans for me... and not rebelling against the destiny He has marked out for me... i am praying for a job that would allow me full flexiblity to continue to serve Him... i know that He is Jehovah Jireh, my God WILL provide... no doubt about that... and since He has placed me in the arena of the Arts... i know full well that my future is safe in His hands...

so Lord... here is my request... heehee... i wanna serve You without needing to worry about anything... i know You are able to provide me with a job that would allow me to serve in GB, lead Your daughters, as well as it being a platform for outreach for Your cause... i simply ask that You would grant me a job that would become my career, that would glorify Your name... i know it is not too much to ask of You... and i know that despite the busy schedule i have had over the past few years, You have always made it possible for me to serve You without concerns... and i know that everything that You allow me to go through is part of Your moulding and pruning process for me... and i know that my security is in You and You alone... i thank You God... for Your faithfulness to me... for Your grace and mercy that is ever abounding... thank You for being the God that You are and only You can be... words alone can't express enough the gratitude in my heart... thank You for choosing me... thank You for crowning me to be Your daughter... Princess Regina Elon Hephzibah... thank You dear Father... no matter how much i have strayed or fallen, You have never let me go... thank You God... You are the reason that i am able to sing... the reason that i live... the reason that i am able to dance...

indeed... as Ps William says... it's not an obligation to dance for the Lord... but it is more like "do i have a reason to dance for the Lord today?" and i must say... everyday, i can dance for the Lord because He is worthy... that's my only reason... because God You are worthy of all the praise and adoration... not because of what You have done... but simply because You are God and You are worthy of my worship... and as Pastor Khong said "praise and worship to the Lord is always active, open and expressive..." how can i possibly not vocalise it? how can i possibly not make it audible? how can i possibly not make it visible? thank You Lord for renewing worship unto You... thank You Lord for reminding me that we have to worship You Your way... thank You for allowing me to be able to come wanting to bless You... thank You Lord for giving me the ability to say Hallelujah... To praise Jehovah...

tell the world that Jesus lives...
tell the world that... tell the world that...
tell the world that He died for them...
tell the world that He lives again...

Thanksgiving for a year of Celebration ahead!!!

Started the year off with a watch night service at the good old familiar Touch Community Theatre... It's been weeks since out church has moved to Expo... going back there for a watch night service with the good family of both Pastor William and Pastor Debra's Network a.k.a. William's & Debra's Next Generation... about 500 of us gathered at this small little auditorium... small because it sits 1000 people max... compared to the Max Pavillion's 7000, it is indeed small... but truth is that... in this small auditorium, many have given their lives to the Lord... the Lord has used this place to prepare us for the Max Pavillion...

Back to the topic of watch night... Well... Haven't been this crazy for a long time... I mean yeah I have been dancing for the Lord at every service... However, it has been a long time that I have danced till my heart almost stopped beating for that second, till I have stitches on both sides of my body and on top of that, while wearing a LONG skirt that impedes movement almost... It was crazy... Dancing as if there is no tomorrow for the Lord... This is afterall what the Lord has called us to do... We are created to worship Him... and so there I was dancing my heart out for the Lord... and I must say, I love dancing for the Lord... I can lose my voice, but as long as I can move, I will dance for the Lord... I was brought forth into this world to dance for the Lord...

Today, instead of our usual Youth service at 1330hrs, we had our New Years' Bash at 1800hrs... It was one crazy party for the Lord... there we were... probably 6000 people in all... we were all dancing, singing and screaming out praises for the Lord... it was indeed a service the Lord is proud of... it is afterall His commandment that we praise Him... Psalm 149:1 "Praise the Lord!" Be it through our voices... through other audible means... or through visible means like lifting our hands, kneeling down, falling prostrated... and of course dancing... we are called to worship the Lord... and we are to worship Him, His ways... and one thing for sure... tonight, the Lord was delighted with our celebration service... because He takes delight when we celebrate Him... when we come wanting to praise the Lord, our God...

looking back over the whole of last year... i do indeed have many things to give thanks to the Lord for...

1. all the financial situations He has seen me through... the Lord has blessed me with the scholarships I needed to make sure I have enough to pay for my school fees... with jobs to see that I am able to pay the remaining sums...

2. my mum's salvation... though I do wish she would choose to walk with Him... she said the sinner's prayer... but the fear of my dad has prevented her from drawing close to God... I can only pray that she would understand that the Lord rejoiced with the angels the day she invited Him into her life... and that she would understand why she needs to walk with Him and not forget what He has done for her...

3. for healing... my youngest brother's miraculous healing in june... doctors thought he had stomach cancer... but after intercession and crying out to the Lord on his behalf... the Lord made his ailment simply a case of spilt stomach and healing him in 24hrs... requiring no operation... the Lord has been rather gracious to him... and I pray that one day, he will hear His voice and turn back to Him... for mel's miraculous speed of recovery after her operation in mid december... doctors said 6 weeks, but He healed her in 2 weeks... though swelling has yet to fully go, she is looking better and more beautiful each day...

4. my spiritual family... spiritual mummy melissa who has been so patient and firm with me... spiritual sisters who have been my confidants, especially von, des, val, yt and gwen... and also the very people who have moulded me and help me grow... spiritual daughters, loi, jenn, seokie, and peiyi, who at times could drive me to my wits' ends but are also the very sweet girls that they can be... new spiritual daughters of mine this year, eunice, rebecca and wenting... their potential is immense... and I believe they will move the nations...

5. friends who have seen me through good and bad... the La Kopi folks (mel, val, dexter, dan, and those of the la kopi gang) and folks of the older FAW, (dale... gabe...) these are the very people whom I hang out late into the nights with for whatever reasons that sometimes i wonder too... people who don't mind gaining a few more kilos due to the late night suppers... friends who allowed me to drive their cars, not worrying that this newbie would crash their vehicles...

6. got my personal iBook G4 in august... and my driver's licence on Oct 24...

7. FAW's revival... (what have i gotten myself into again)

8. we moved to Expo...

9. I turned 21!!!

10. most importantly, being pruned by God... it wasn't a year without ups and downs... no one ever said the Christian walk with God would be easy... so thank God for the trials and life's lessons... thank God that though we often sow in tears, we can reap with joy... thank God for Him seeing me through these times of pruning...

there are so much more to give thanks for... but words cannot express my thanks enough...