today i think i fought a spiritual battle that left me feeling the heart of God..
being ostracised by my classmates all of a sudden, and the situation with my spiritual daughter... the former left me feeling very alone when there were so many around me... the latter made me feel the heartache of God when His daughter choose to disobey Him... both allowed me to feel Him so intimately...
it is one thing to know God, and another to feel His heart for His children...
i must say, these trials that the Lord has allowed simply did amazing things to my life today...
first of all, He brought me to a new level of confidence in Him... disciplining on behalf of the Father is not easy... i am so afraid that i would misrepresent Him that i kept running back to Melissa, my spiritual Mama to confirm the things i am doing... but when Mel said to handle it on my own, only then that i release myself into the hands of the Father and allowed Him to use me as His vessel to discipline His beloved daughter... i thank God i have new found confidence in Him...
second of all, a very important lesson that though i may be shunned by my classmates, i am not alone... i stil have the Holy Spirit with me all the time... and He will never leave me nor forsake me... for He is faithful and He is my comforter... if not for the alone time i have to myself today, i might have just zipped through the day without leaning on Him for strength and wisdom to carry on...
thirdly... i think there is a new breakthrough with my relationship with my mother... she saw me crying in my room, and i explained to her why... and told her that i think i understand how she feels when we reject her cause we disagree with her... somehow apologising for those times now was so much easier... because of the humbled position i am in... and also, i believe, that through this my mother will see that the Lord has indeed changed me... and through my being a testimony of God's grace and mercy, my household will be saved...
fourthly, my relationship with my spiritual mommy has new breakthroughs too... i am beginning to see the resemblance in the situation that i am in now... it was almost the same with that of mine when i was struggling with her... the root of the situation - insubmission... now that i have a breakthrough in this area, the Lord has graciously allow me to be trained in handling these situation... i do not believe in karma, but i do believe that because i have been through it, that i would understand and know how to handle it better...
last of all, the power of prayer... having gone for the network prayer meeting on saturday, i am beginning to see the things that we have prayed for during that day begin to take shape... though it is still very early to say it is... but i believe and i claim in faith that the things that the Lord has promised WILL indeed come to pass and T.E.O. can do nothing about it... because the battle has already been won... and the more he wanna fight, he will realise that this daughter of the King of kings is not someone to be trifled with... i am a warrior princess... i will put on the armour of the Lord and fight the battle... even if it would cost me everything... i would still do so... for everything i have on this earth is on loan from my Father, so what matters most is me fulfilling the task my Lord has given me... and that is to pray ceaselessly...
i thank God for those times when He tells me He loves me in His amazing ways... and tonight when i felt His heart so truly in me that i couldn't stop crying, i realised that this is how much He cries out for me... how much He cries out for His children... and as i cried out to Him for strength, as i seek my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ for their prayers... as i humbled myself before Him to say that without Him i cannot do this, He affirms me... in the most beautiful way... through a brother, He gave him a vision, a vision for me...
God impresses upon me a picture of you... dancing onstage, a ballerina you dance His glory, His will of steps for you, and He is pleased. the audience claps half-heartedly, you struggle and your smile is apprehensice. but your Lord cries... in response to the dance which you put so much heart nad soul into and He tells you, my dear... you who are weary, worry not of the world, I am pleased. do you not see My tears for you? they are tears of joy. I will give you rest. only I can give you rest.
then he said, now u need to finish the dance, and then run back to Him. that's what u're told by Him to do. do it. and look not to the world.
this vision sounds so familiar... i have heard it before... i heard it when i was reading the book called Divine Dance a year or so back... and i remember writing and entry about it... i guess i have forgotten, that's why the reminder...
my God, thank You... thank You for being who You are... thank You for being so amazing... thank You for humbling me time and time again... thank You for training me to be the best i can be for You... thank You for letting me feel Your heart...
sometime, like the dancer in this picture, i feel so alone on this stage... and i forget that i am dancing for my King, and He is simply delighted by my dance...
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