is it by pure coincidence that the monologue i have chosen to do is one that simply jumped out at me??? the story is not about me... but this is one character who i find that i can easily relate to... i mean... the monologue starts out saying that "a beautiful woman should never have to beg for the love of a man..." and it goes on to how she was called names when she was child... how most asian girls have a "plateface" and squinty eyes that are slits like papercuts tiny... how her hair is straight flat not shiny... but no matter what... as she said "outside i am ugly no i know. but i am beautiful in my heart yes God knows my heart is the home of great love." and about how the men she met in her life weren't beautiful inside or out... she missed nothing... she don't feel bad about having no one... because "this beautiful woman will never beg."
i was thinking how like me... haha... well... i may not have squinty eyes that are slits like papercuts tiny... but i don't really think i am the kind of girl people would call pretty... haha... well... there are times in my life when i wished that i had higher cheekbones, bigger eyes, better skin... but i have come to realise through all the teasing i have had in all my life, it doesn't matter... i have been teased all my life since i can remember and up till today i am still being teased about the way i look... but seriously i am not caring as much as i would have five years ago... i am comfortable as i am... of course i need to be healthy and all... but i am comfortable in my own skin... and i have learnt to draw strength from my Father in the recent years when ugly comments come along my way... i am perfect in my Father's eyes... He loves me and sent His Son to die for me not for how i look... but simply for me... =) thank God He doesn't judge us on our appearances, but He looks at the conditions of our heart... and i know that my heart is like that of the character in the monologue... my heart is the home of great love...
it's funny how God affirms His daughters... as much as i may have felt comfortable in my own skin... i always find my fellow spiritual sisters prettier, more attractive, sweeter looking than myself... and i have from time to time tried my very best to play matchmaker for them... even if it is with guys i myself find attracted to... somehow, to avoid rejection, i have hidden behind this mask of feeling unworthy, to prevent getting hurt myself i guess...
a few days back, a friend of mine was telling me that there are two kind of girls... the nice girls and the good girls... and i belong to the good girls... was a little confused, but he explained... nice girls are very easy to find... nice girls = easy to get, easy companionship... makes you feel nice... and that good girls are the ones with good characters... nice girls everywhere also have, but good girls are hard to come by... well... as much as i may not possess the most feminine of characters, at least i do have good characters... haha... i guess, some times i am simply not as gentle as Jesus would be... i mean... if i were gentle, Pastor William wouldn't tell me "Regina, gentle..." almost everytime he gets the chance to... =) well, like i stated in my 2006 resolution, that i have sent to my spiritual mama, Mel, i would like to see more growth in gentleness in my Spirit... i guess in the past few months i have increased my gentleness, though it might be minute... but i think in the last months i have grown, there is still more room to grow... and of course bottomline is to be more like Jesus...
just as unexpected as my friend's comment was a few days back, Gwen, one of my spiritual sisters, messaged me on MSN saying "juz wanna drop by and tell you that you are actually very pretty. you gt very distinct features. well......try not to eat too much. =) you will be gorgeous." and then she went on to say that Mel also agrees that i am pretty... at first i was wondering why such a message out of the blue... then i begin to see that this might simply being God affirming me through His children that i am good enough for Him, that i am pretty in His eyes...
i think of late, i have been busying myself with work, to take my spare thoughts off the "distractions" of life... and i think the Lord sees me beating myself up, because i am trying to conceal how i am feeling deep down inside... and He just wanted to tell me that He loves me no matter what the world may say... =)
thank You Lord, for Your affirmation...
thank You for sending Your angels to affirm me...
thank You guys for being God's angels...
thank You for simply showering Your love on me...
thank You for not letting me beg... =)
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