/IgNoReD

To the world I may seem like I have many friends... Yet here I am ignored by the very people that I am close to... SMS messages not replyed - I replyed you yet you chose to relay the message through someone else... Presence ignored - I was beside you yet you chose to chat with someone else on the phone... Played out - I asked you out, you first agreed, and then you went back on your words and chose to go out with someone else... So what am I to you? Someone you call when you haev no one else? I may appear to have many friends, but yet how many are true? When we hang out and talk, it is always about someone else... How am I suppose to know you better if you do not talk about yourself to me? I do not need to hear about others... Neither am I your personal news caster, updating you about mutual friends... Why is it that nothing deeper is discussed or brought up between us? When we chill, I always feel like the third wheel... Sometimes I do wonder if my presence is even needed... You seem so happy with the rest, you do not need me... I always end up in my own little world, while you are in your world with your friends... I am but just the intruder... You say we are friends, I feel more like strangers... I made plans, you can always suggest better, but no you just chose to be out of it all, and turn your back on me and hang out with someone else... I wanted to spend time with you, but you wanted otherwise... I was so glad that we are going out, but you apparently did not want to... Why did not you say so? Why did you agree in the first place? If you do not want to go out with me, fine... Just say so... Don't need to patronise me...

So fine. I give up. I don't want to do the initiation anymore. I am tired. Tired of being ignored, tired of trying so hard. I tried so hard and do all these planning and stuff, and yet I end up getting rejected. I am tired of all these. You fear rejection. So do I. You think I am that secured? I am not. I may appear to be stronger than everyone else, but you do not know how vulnerable I am. I may be that crazy spontaneous spark. But a spark is just a spark! When the energy is gone, it will die off too...

You come to me when you need something... You push everything to me... Yeah it may be "treasured work"... Yeah I may have good memory... I may be efficient etc etc... Whatever you have decided to label me with... Yeah you will come to me... You will seek me to give you an answer, a decision, whatever you need, I am sure to most probably have it right? Well... I don't... And I am tired of telling you "I don't know"... When I say that, you give me that weird look... As if Miss Know-it-all suddenly don't know... Well I am not Miss Know-it-all... That's just a label you have put on me... I am me... And I don't have all the answers to all your problems...

When you need someone, I try my best to be there... When you need something, I try my best to provide... Whenever, wherever, I tried my best to meet your needs... This may be selfish of me, but I have needs too, I want you to be there when I need you too... But you weren't... You chose to /ignore me... So now I am telling you that before you can /ignore me, I will do that to you... I don't want to hurt... I don't want to cry myself to sleep every night... I am ignoring you...

You made the choice yourself. You want to spend time with someone else? Go ahead, it's fine by me... After all who am I to say anything... I don't care anymore... I don't need your attention... I don't need you... You decided, you chose it to be like this... Don't blame me... You made your own choices, no one force you or coerced you to do so... So too bad!

So little I can do...

Sometimes I just feel so useless, unable to help the people around me, unable to make them feel better... Take des for example, I wish I could be there for her now... 5:11PM... She needed someone to show her care and concern, to keep her company and motivate her to study... Here I am having my holiday... Nothing much at hand to do... Yet all I could really do was to chat with her online... Not much of a help I guess... Then there is wy... So sick and at my home... We had bible study in the morning, then headed for my home cos it was nearer... Went in search of macaroni soup for her, couldn't find any... Settled for horrible fish ball vermicilli and glass noodles... I thought I had the medication from the last time around... Forgot I threw it out... Now she's sleeping on my sofa... Wonder if she will get better... I think I should go to the Chinese Medicine Shop across to get her Pi Pa Gao... I feel like I can't do much for anyone... But I know deep down that the Lord will be by their sides... To guide them, to heal them, to hold them in His arms and comfort them... All I can possibly do now is pray that the Lord will be by their sides... For wy He will be her Jehovah Rapha, healing her of her illness... For des He will be her Jehovah Jireh, providing all that she needs... Guess that's all I can do right? Pray... =)

Be joyful always; pray continually;

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

- 1 Thessalonians 5: 16 - 18

whAt Is lOvE???

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.                                                                               

- 1 John 4: 10 - 11

I totally agree that this is the basis of the way we relate to each other. Not that we love first, but God first loved us and gave us an example to follow, that we can actually have the capacity to go love others. I am currently reading this book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. Though I only started on the book less than half an hour ago and have only read the first chapter, I am beginning to see what it means to love or to say that we love. It is not about selfish agendas, but all about selfless sacrifices. Just as Jesus did by example. Just as God sent his Son to die for us, because he loved us and wanted us back in his kingdom and not to be damned eternally.

This new revelation brought me to a new humbling point. How selfish I must have been. I might not have known it, but God knows. And this revelation just meant that I have been missing the point, probably. I always thought I had loved those around me unconditionally. I tried to love as unconditionally as I possibly can, in my own human understanding. I loved those who seemed unlovely, tolerated all those who hurt me and forgave them and loved them for who they are. I think I had loved and accepted them only because it is a commandment given by God, but not because I really want to deep down from within my heart. How selfish of me... I think I have been controlled by what felt good, but have not been controlled by God's love. It feels good to know that I love these people despite all that they have had done to me. It has been a feel good approach, knowing and being comforted by the fact that I am doing what is pleasing in God's eyes. But it is after all a selfish intention, I think. It was not exactly sincere and genuine love I suppose, as God would have loved. I have not been controlled by God's love.

For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.

- 2 Corinthians 5: 14 - 15

The bottomline is I feel that I have not lived for God and for the good of others. I have done all that seemed right, all that is right, but have yet to grasp the concept of truly laying down all my rights and living for others' good and not my own. I have always been giving, rarely wanting anything in return. I suppose that makes me a loving Christian, whose priorities have always been for the good of others, but why do I feel like I have not done enough? Is it just my self reproach working against me? Making me feel undeserving and useless? I do not know. Right now I do not know whether I have been living for God or for my own. I do not seem to know anything. O Lord, grant me the wisdom to discern. The ability to hear what is right and what is wrong. To shut out the "evil" voices in my head.

I want to love and grow more in wisdom. I want to love for God. These are all my wants, but is it what God wants from me? I do not know. I do agree with the author when he says that each person has to examine his or her own life and ask what it means to love others like Christ. That our love for others be shaped by God's love for us. Love that looks beyond personal desires and the gratification of the moment. But a love that looks at the big picture: serving others and glorifying God. I think I do need to step back each time I want to love others and look and review what is my agenda, why am I doing so.

I am not swearing off dating. I have not even dated for the past 6 years for goodness sake. The last time I dated the guy, I do not consider that dating cause I looked at it platonically. I went out with him in groups, got to know him better, enjoyed his company and that is all. We did NOT even hold hands throughout the so called dating process, except maybe the ice skating incident, but that is where it left off. And I do not consider him a boyfriend, he was just a friend and I was only 14. So not considered. Haha... I may say on and off I like this guy or that guy, but I am never serious. I like them because they are nice to me. They treat me like a younger sister, something that I have not felt before. I have always been an older sister to my biological brothers, to everyone else. I mother them. But I have not been taken care of and it is a nice feeling. So maybe I am confusing my feelings, but the truth is they are nice to me with no other hidden agendas I think. And I am nice to them because they are nice to me. So I think that is it. I am just basically a easily contented girl. But I know I will not settle for anything less than what God has prepared for me. Until then I will stay pure in every aspect of my life for God, so that I can honour him in all that I do. =)

_{P/S: I have only read the first chapter. So until I have more insight, I guess I have to stop here.}

 

 

Laying it all down... Relinquishing my rights...

I cried at service today. It has been a long time since I last shed a tear. Somehow it was liken getting rid of the load off my back. I just had so much hurts and pained by the words of people all around me. I totally agree that words have the power... They have the power to build or to tear, the power to make live and the power to destroy. I did not realise how hurt I actually am, until today when I came before the Lord and laid it all down, opening my heart to Him again. Although I did not cry buckets, I thank God for the release. The release of everything that has built up in my heart. The release of His word in my life.

---

Pastor Victor prayed this for me. He did not know my course of study, so I guess he does not know how much those words touched me. {God really loves me alot.} This I know. I can't really remember the exact words used throughout the prayer. In fact I cannot remember the prayer, but this is the gist of the vision Ps Victor saw...

I was on a stage, darkness all around me and all the spotlight is on me. I did not seem to enjoy the attention given. I appeared afraid and nervous. But this is a stage, a pulpit, where my voice is heard. I need not fear as God is shining His light on me, and I can have my security in Him. Something about me being different, and reflecting God's light into the world around me. Something about me using my big voice...

I really don't know what it meant, I am not even sure whether I am even remembering it right. But upon meditation, I realised that it is rather true of the situation I am in right now. I mean as a drama student I should be adoring the limelight and attention, basking in it all. But I am NOT...

I actually hate the extra attention showered upon me by my lecturers, dislike the fact that I am more outspoken than my counterparts, abhor the titles that has been bestowed upon me...

I did not want to hold any form of leadership position in my course. Not the slightest bit. Though I do like being in control, but this is something I wish I could squirm out of. My classmates and seniors dislike me, just because I am the more outspoken, high achiever I am. It is not as if I wanted it. I would very much not want to be level representative and relinquish all the extra responsibilities that come with it. I very much would like to be in the background.

Something my classmate said once has made me very aware of things happening in school for me. She said that I was the teacher's pet. Generally my lecturers like me, well I guess it is because I am spontaneous, interactive, engage in the discussions and have the edge over my classmates because of my passion and work harder than them. But I never ever saw myself as the teacher's pet. I thank God I find favour in my lecturers' eyes. That does not mean their expectations of me are slacker, but in fact I think I feel more stressed. But anyway I just don't like the spotlight. Don't like the unwanted attention. Was sharing the feelings I have about it on wednesday at Bible Study with Pastor Debra. Now I am more assured of God's word to me: RELY ON HIM. FOR HE IS MY STRENGTH AND TOWER OF SUPPORT. 

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." _{Philippians 4:13}

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It is as simple as that I think and as Pastor Debra puts it... [Pray.] I simply just have to wait on Him. Learning to be a Mary in a Martha world.

 

In God's hands... He's in control of it all...

I am feeling so helpless right now. There is so much I want to do yet so little I can do. I saw this as my only opportunity right now to really fully wholeheartedly serve God. I want to do it so much that I am willing to sacrifice my time and resources for it. I dare not say I will forfeit my school hours for it, afterall as much as I am full time Christian, I also have my responsibilities as a student foremost too.

This is so contradictory for me. I am full time Christian so ministry should come first and foremost. Yet my obligations as a full time student in Singapore ties me down to commitments to my school timetable too. Argh! Full-time Christian, Part-time Student. But why is it so hard? I cannot forfeit my studies to do God's work as I feel that it is also a calling that I am in my course of study that is so different from others. If it is not God's calling, He would not have placed me where I am and provided me the monies I need to pay of the school fees.

How many FULL TIME Christians are also drama students in Singapore? Apart from me I think there might only be another one or two. How many drama FULL TIME Christians are also doing GB? I don't know any other apart from myself. All these lamenting might sound whiny and discontented. But I want to serve. I want to further God's kingdom. And right now I know my only way possible, the only open door seems to GB. But why has the school gone into a 5 day week? Because of so, I am useless if my timetable is as crappy as it is this semster.

I know GB is a long term investment of time and resources. But I am not looking for rewards, I am looking for an avenue to serve and yet at the same time have a set of rules to adhere to so that I need not worry about certain stuff. I know that there are other outlets and other ways to serve God, but now that I have a heart for the girls, it is rather difficult to let go and leave them. I know my ways are not God's ways. I know He has a better plans for me.

"...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..." _{- Jeremiah 29:11}

I do not know what God's plans are for me, but I do not want to see my service to God being nullified by the ways of Man. It might be my deceitful heart deceiving me. But with the 5 day week, many things are limited. For the time being I guess my work in GB would appear to be nullified. I do not see how I could contribute to GB since I am so limited by the constraints of my timetable. It is not only myself but every other persons I see who have a heart for GB. But I guess for now the possibilities of my contribution and service to further God's kingdom would be nullified by the current situation. But my hope is in God. I believe that God works in miraculous ways. I believe in miracles and I know that God will make a way, when there seems to be no ways. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, holding me closely to His side. God will make a way, if His plans are for me to be serving in GB. I just have to learn to trust in Him simply. As I have asked Him to help me regain that simple faith I once knew.

"Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord."

                                                                                      _{- Proverbs 16:19}

I just have to obey whatever God has planned and sending me to do.

"For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."

                                                                                       _{- Philippians 2:13}

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." _{-Philippians 4: 6 - 7}

 

My moods are liken the skies...

The skies are grey.... My mood is too... There seems to be this dark cloud looming around in my heart... I hadn't been my chirpest or jolliest since my holidays started... well simple as that I AM BORED... B-O-R-E-D... Bored.... I feel as if I am allowing my life to waste away... Allowing it all to fade like the passing wind... Settling onto the next moment like the dust of life... I need a bit more spark in my life... Something to keep me busy and not allow me to think of my life as waste...

Actually I do have a lot going on for me now... Girls' Brigade... Humanitarian trip... Camps... Audition... So why o why am I feeling this bored??? The in between periods for all these are just too far apart I guess... I am bored in the in betweens... And everyone else having their exams does not help... I have no one to go out with... aRGH.... Lord I need a bit more meaning into this seemingly mundane life... I am ready to do things for You... To go that extra mile... Just use me Lord... Don't let me grow cobwebs and die.... Idle hands are sinful hands... So I don't want to idle too much Lord... I want more moments of activity... More More More... I want more more more... More of Jesus... Give me more to do Lord... I don't think I will ever tire myself... I know when to draw the lines... Lord help me do Your will...

The skies are raining... I feel like crying... Crying not because I want to... but I think I need to... Need to let all the steam out... Feel like dunking my head into the pool and let all my troubles melt away... I want to cry but I think I have forgotten how to... My tear ducts are not working as well as before... In the past I could switch it on or off based on my whims and fancy... But of late it has not been working... Am I sick?

Why am I so emotionless now? Am I becoming hardened and indifferent to the way things are around me? Why aren't my tear ducts working? Why am I not able to let my pent up emotions out? I feel choke... Suffocating... But I guess this is just me and my mood swings... They have been swinging with the weather when I am bored and doing nothing meaningful in my life... Should get down to reading and writing my plays... No inspiration... God send me Your muse... Let me write a God-inspired play that would glorify thy name...

Worry No More

It has not been easy these past few days. I have my fears and trepidations, all these doubts that keep coming up. Maybe I just simply worry too much. So much so that I do not know how to categorise these feelings I am having. I do not even know what exactly I am feeling. I want to enjoy my singlehood, but when my schedule is not as packed as I liked it to be, there is a sense of loss, as if I am not making full use of every moment I have. Right now I do not even know where exactly the problem lies. I had long handed in the eraser of my life to God, writing my plans in pencil and allowing God to erase my plans. So why am I feeling like this?

I think my problem lies with the fact that I think too much. My over-active limbic system worry about everything, things within my control and those outside my control. I simply worry too much and go into panic mode when things are not exactly right. So I think that is why I am at such a loss. Not because I cannot give it up to God, but because I give it up and then take it back again when I feel that I am not in control. I am a control freak, God help me. I have simply forgotten how to simply trust in God.

I can see His disappointment in all the other aspects, so why not here? God has proved His providence in my life in every other aspect of my life. I want to trust in His providence in these aspects too. I know that He will provide, 'cause He promised. He has proved for so many before me, so I know I can put my trust in Him in terms of all my relationships. God, I just want to trust in You with that simple faith I used to have. That childlike faith that has seen me through. O Lord give me that simple faith once more. I know that You will provide.

Lord I will turn my worry into meditation. "When one thinks about a problem over and over in his/ her mind, that's called worry. When one thinks about God's word over and over in his/ her mind, that's meditation." So I will do just that for "the Lord is my shepherd; I shall not be in want." Because the more I think about God's word, the less I'll think about my worries.

The S.P.E.C.I.A.L. Guy God has planned for me...

Spirituality He must be a constantly growing Christian, a man after God's heart, a servant leader. He must be a good steward of what has been placed in his charge. He should be constantly striving to be the best at whatever he does, so as to glorify God. (1 Corinthians 4:2 - Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful.)

Personality determined, adventurous, directive, initiative, vivacious, interactive, stable, organised, reliable, sincere, supportive, conscientious, cautious

Emotional Emotionally stable/ balance. Able to express himself clearly. Not afraid to cry. Not afraid to love.

Character Has the fruit of the spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gratefulness, gentleness and self-control. Not a quitter. Has integrity and righteous. Flexible guy who can adapt to sudden situations, knowing the right time to be firm or yield.

Intellectual Able to hold a decent conversation with people upon the first acquaintance. Smart enough to not bore me to death. (I'm easily bored) Able to banter with me and intrigue me with questions. Have a good sense of humour that would crack me up. Creative, able to think out of the box.

Aptitude Sporty (Can blade, skate, dribble, climb, swim etc. You get the idea) Arty (appreciates art at least) Musically inclined (Plays at least one instrument) Able to hold a tune well (doesn't sing out of tune)  At least support me in my artistic attempts as a theater practitioner.

Looks Taller than me. Well-groomed. Good-looking (need not be handsome, more like having a likeable appearance, won't get beaten up because of his looks) An accurate reflection of the condition of his heart.

These are the things I look for in a guy... Though Looks are not of most importance... I am still listing it down... I think this is basically the importance I would want it to be... But I am sure God would provide... And the guy provided by God would definitely fit all these criteria...