Stop changing ME... I want my INDIVIDUALITY!

Haven't been feeling on top of the world of late, been rather moody and I dun think I know the reason behind it... Just that somehow of late, I've been feeling rather alienated... Alienated in almost all the social groups I thought I belonged to... Haiz... Probably I'm just being overly sensitive... But I just feel that although I am physically there with the group, something is just not connecting... There are also quite a number of things that has been making me feel rather left out... Somehow, I don't seem to be connecting at the same level as they are... So though I am hanging out in a group, I just feel so lonely... Guess it is just like being in a crowd does not mean that you are not alone... Probably I am just being insecure... Or am I? I think it boils down to certain unresolved issues I have inside me... Inner turmoil (as Des would put it)... I have been having these inner struggles that are making me feel less than chirpy... I guess I have turn into quite a grouch... But then again, unless something triggers it, the ugly monster in me would not rear its big fat ugly head... Is there some thing seriously wrong with me? I don’t know! Help! I dun like feeling this way... But I just am feeling so... Sigh... I know I need to take up personal responsibility... I know that there are areas in my life that God is moulding me in... I know all these, but I am only human, I do fall and stumble in times when I am less than alert... I know I need to keep my personal sensors on and change when I know I am rearing towards that less than perfect direction... I do know that I need not be perfect... But I want to at least strive to be a little more Christ-like each day... So why am I finding such resistance inside me? Why? Argh... I just cannot take it anymore when people tell me that I need to do this, need to change that when I already know and am already trying to change... Hello! I need time and space to change too... Others are also probably like me too, yet they are given more time and space, while I keep getting people breathing down my neck... You comment about my dressing, well think about yourself first... You comment about my attitude, what about your own... Sometimes I realise that it is really easy to complain and comment... But hey, I am merely human... I know it is part of God's moulding process... I know that listening and accepting with the right heart, though I might not totally agree, is submission... I GET THE MESSAGE, so give me a break will you? Sometimes, doing too much would result in an adverse effect... I am upset... I am declaring that I am upset... And I don't need anyone to come take pity on me... But really, I've had enough of getting picked at, scrutinised and commented... I know you are talking behind my back... I am just sitting next to you and you do that... I am not that clueless ok... You think you are so cool, so pretty, so sassy... SO WHAT... I am already trying my best to fit into that perfect mould that you would like me to be in... I have already made the effort to change... So what are you still not happy about? Which areas in my life are you upset with? I am willing to change, but tell me why you think I should and it better not be just because you think it is wrong… I am the way I am and that defines ME! You may see things from a different perspective, so kindly enlighten me and tell me why you think I should change… I would gladly take up the suggestion and make an effort to… Just don’t keep pointing out this and that, without telling me why it is bad… I am not as strong as you think I am… And I don't want to end up trying too hard... In fact I am just as happy with who I am... So what if not everyone likes me... I need not please everyone... I think I am rather teachable, so why don't you just tell me what is wrong and explain to me... I don't need you coming to tell me my shirt is too short, my pants is too low or whatever... I think I am one of the more conservative dressers among all my peers already... So give me a break will you... Are you picking on me because sometimes by accident a little skin peeks out?? Well, what do you want me to do? This is HOT and HUMID Singapore, do you want me to be wrapped up like a rice dumpling before you stop criticising my dressing? I am FAT so what? Does that mean that I am to be scrutinised in my dressing everytime I wear t-shirt and jeans? I have been made this way, wired this way... Is it my fault that no matter how I try I just can't seem to shed that extra weight? I may not look good in that clothing, but I am comfortable in it and I don't think I am stumbling anyone else... So please, so picking on me... I was a fat baby, a fat kid... I did think of losing those spare tyres... But it is not that I don't want to... It just simply would not go away... You skinny people get lost and stop picking on me! You people keep telling me not to do too much... Not to put myself under such perfectionistic measures... But hey you are the one asking me to change... Stressing the need for me to make certain changes... Yet you are also the ones who tell me don't try so hard... Not all things need to be perfect you know... Yeah I know... So why are you constantly contradicting yourself? Pish-posh... You hypocritical people... You keep telling me something is wrong with me, I listen, I obey and I make an effort to change... Are you glad with the result? NO... You find more fault and scrutinise me even deeper... You tell me it is for my benefit... I know... But hey tell the truth with love... There are hints of love... But mere traces... Why is it that there are double standards? Why is it that you treat others better than you treat me? I don't require special treatment of any kind, but I don't need that extra attention... I love each and every one of you, but sometimes, I rather not be around you at all... I probably don't understand the reason behind your actions... And you hardly ever tell me why you come down so harsh on me... Only with one liners saying that you love me that's why you do so... Whatever, I get the message... I have feelings too... I may happen to be the loudest person in the group... But that does not mean that I have no feelings and thoughts... Give me a break... When people copy another some people call it a form of admiration or whatever la huh... But please, I don't need to hear that you have the same shirt, a million other people around the world do too... I don't need you to copy my idea... You have a creative mind too use it... I AM insecure in certain ways... And I feel that my individualism is what makes me ME! So please you can share my friends and other things, just don't make me feel as if you are making yourself a replica of me in certain areas... I need my sense of INDIVIDUALITY... Thanks... Guess these were probably the two main issues that has been bugging me of late... Finding a way to come to terms and building my security in God... But I need time... For the time being, I will continue to be in search of the anwsers and right responses... I don't want to become another obedient Singaporean who does not have the guts to voice his/her own opinions... I want my INDIVIDUALITY.... I want to retain some essence of me being ME... And stop commenting and asking me to tone down on my laughter... I have a UNIQUE laughter... You feel threaten or embrassed when I laugh? Then go away... But don't ask me to shut up... I am loud... But at least I know who I really am... Do you? Until you can answer the question on who you really are, don't comment on me...