A day of rejoicing and embrassments...

Today was Camy's and Joo Ghee's wedding day... Camy looked sooo beautiful... Well, I think all of God's creation looks beautiful, and on their wedding days, they look stunning... Really like princesses... Ps William gave them the word Patient to last them through their lifetime as husband and wife... Love is patient... To love means to be patient with your partner... Wow... Such words of wisdom... =)
When it was the time for Camy to throw her bouquet... Guess what... It seemed like none of the girls wanna get married cos no one wanted to even go near the bouquet... Everyone was just siaming the bouquet and it landed on the grass patch behind us... Haha so hilarious... Then dear Joo Ghee had to make this interesting comment... "Aiya, I know you girls all want the bouquet right... In your heart you want it, but then too paiseh to catch it..." Or something like that la... Melissa Tok, Nigel's girlfriend, picked up the bouquet to pass it to those the bouquet hit but no one wanted to take it... So in the end, she had the bouquet, I guess would be hearing wedding bells from Nigel and Melissa soon... Haha...
Anyway, heard WPJ using one of my sister's name in vain to tease one of his brothers... So I lectured him during the reception of the wedding, and guess what... WPJ got so mad and gave me a threatening look... Like macam he wanted to bash me up if I don't shut up... If he did he would definitely make it into the lists of HP... He would be soooo dead... I think I was at fault la, probably went too far... Yet I just wanted to protect my dear spiritual sisters, they would have done the same for me too (I think)...

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But anyway, those weren't the highlights of my day... The highlight of my day came when the contact I met, with her parents accepted Christ... This is a case of God sent... It's all about Him... Nothing to do with how good or friendly my group of friends were... (I don't think the before service we were that friendly...) Nor anything to do with how convincing or convicted the preacher was... (She only understood his humour...) She just accepted Christ when I invited her to... Woah... And Ps Benny Ho didn't give altar call... He only gave ministry call... But anyway Shermaine, that's her name by the way, accepted Christ at the end of the service... She won't be joining my cell, but will be joining Yiting's cell... I am still very happy that another soul has been added into the kingdom of God... I may have been the one who lead her to say the sinner's prayer, but from this point f orth, God has a better plan for Shermaine... He has place a leader, who can connect with 14 year olds better, over her to guide her and feed her the Word... Soooo happy... =D We went for dinner together and I think we fellowship well... She was enjoying herself, laughing at Charmaine and myself... Haha... So funny...

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Yvonne didn't come for service today... *Sob sob* Dunno why she didn't come... But I missed her... Messaged her before midnight to check on her... She said she was alright, so I shall leave it as that... But still I missed her... =(

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This is not my highlight of the day but an embrassing moment I think...
Someone from church gave me a lift from the wedding at Little India to service at TCT... I placed my bag in the back seats and sat in the front... And though the car was quite hot, because he had decided to park under the white hot sun for the whole afternoon, and it made no sense to wear my shawl, but I did so as to protect my modestity... Around 4.45pm I wanted to get my handphone, since Shermaine's parents were probably going to call... As I tried to reach for my bag, my shawl fell and because of the dress I wore I had to put my hand over my neckline to protect my decency and modesty... He was such a gentleman, in a sense that when I turned, he looked the other way, though he was driving... Just like the man girls have been reading about in books like Authetic Beauty, those Christian relationship books for single girls... But this brother is definitely in the realms of the Butterfly... And no I am not falling for him, because I am feeling quite embarassed that I could have had stumbled him... I am so so so embrassed... Gosh... =|
Von had told me how gentlemanly he was during our supper session after carolling on Christmas eve... I was like ok lor... This person as I have known him has been quite aloof to girls trying to chat him up, and makes no attempt to chat girls up... Though he is nice to me, but that's because I know him and he has always been nice to everybody...  Bottomline is this guy is a godly, nice Christian guy...

Intimacy

What exactly is intimacy? Is it only when two people share a physical connection? Is it only when two persons share a common emotional frequency? Or is it only when two intellectually meet at a similar plane? Then how can I have my intimacy with my Lord and Saviour? I can't share a physical connection with Him 'cos He is not physically present... So does that mean that I am not having an intimate relationship with my Father? I don't think so... I can't say I share a common emotional frequency as my Lord, as I do not always feel as He would feel... So does that discounts me from this intimate relationship with my God? I am most definitely not in the same league as my Omnipotent God... He is all knowing, so how can there be a similar intellectual plane between us?

But I know for sure that my God is a God who desires intimacy with us... He wants us to draw closer to Him daily and nurture a relationship that is so intimate that only He and I can enter into... Each relationship God has with His children is different... Each is unique... And I want to have my own unique intimate relationship with my King... This relationship between Him and I is not built on a physical heat, emtional feelings, or mental connectedness. It is built on the eternal sacrificial love He has for me... This same relationship would then be reflected on the way I would interact with those around me... And of course the truest reflection of this relationship would be with the one that God Himself has anointed and created just for me... But right now, I just want to see my relationship with my King grow more intimate first... Because He is first and foremost the most essential presence of my whole existence... And because He first love me!

It is as simple as that... Intimacy, or rather TRUE intimacy is one that is built on a much stronger foundation that what the world has come to know of... It is built on absolute trust and total vulnerability... True intimacy is sharing life with someone at the deepest level; knowing someone completely, and being know completely in return... Yet there is always something else to discover about that person... I think until the day I can have true intimacy with God, I wouldn't be ready to spend my mortal days with someone else... Because God knows me best... He knows me inside-out, outside-in... My reason for living is in my relationship with Jesus Christ alone... Not based on the relationships I have with people that He has placed in my life... Only when there is an overflow of the intimacy I can experience with my Prince, would there be an experience of intimacy in the relationships that God has created in my life...

My primary focus of my life is intimacy with my Prince in my inner sanctuary... From which fountains all my relationships with people around me...

My eyes are focused on You alone...

By realizing the reality of our Prince within us,
we are never bothered again by the fact that
we do not understand ourselves,
or that other people do not understand us.
The only One who truly understands me is the One
who made me and who redeems me...
It is a tremendous freedom to get rid of every kind
of self-consideration and learn to care about only one thing -
the relationship between our Prince and ourselves.
_{- Oswald Chambers, paraphrase}

How true these words are... When we become so consumed with ourselves, thinking only about how can we improve ourselves, what can we do to make ourselves feel better etc. We become so self-absorbed that we do not see the very real needs around us, and what our Prince can do...

I have been so selfish... I mean the ramblings I had and the inner struggles I had a few days ago would not have happened had I not been so self-absorbed... I had been too inward looking... Finding faults with people when there aren't any... Besides, they had not done me any wrong, it was all in my imagination that they are picking on me... That they are not happy with me in this way and that... I did not fully comprehend why they said what they said, and been overly sensitive to the things said... My over-sensitivity in what people say about me or to me is a faulty self defense mechanism I have within me... If I am this sensitive to the feelings of those around me when I say certain things, then I would have been more Christ-like... But I am not... *sigh...*

Anyway, now that I have learnt the importance of having my every thought, from my first thought in the morning to last thought before I go to lala land, and every other moment in my day, focused on God. I believe I would be less self-absorbed and more aware of my surrondings... I would definitely be more at peace with myself and not so easily agitated... I know it would be delightful in God's eyes and I know this would definitely draw me closer to my Prince... He is just waiting for me to draw closer to Him with every moment of my life... When I take one step towards Him, He would be taking two more steps closer to me too... Because my God is a faithful and wonderful God...

"It is only when the waters are perfectly still
that they can reflect the glories of the heavens."
- Eric Ludy

"Only when our minds and hearts are restfully focused on our Prince
can we become a reflection of His strong, steady, and unshakable peace"
- Leslie Ludy

Busy busy busy...

Am like super early for school today... So here I am on the school com, typing out my entry... Been thinking about my schedule for the next few days... Think it is gonna be busy, busy, busy...

Today: Lessons till 4pm, be at Esplanade library at 4.30pm to continue my research, reach home about 7pm, do my homework till maybe 10pm, then QT till I fall asleep... Friday: Lessons from 9am to 5pm, Fever04 closure at TCT at 7.30pm... (Wondering what time I will reach home... Who will accompany me to go for fever04 closure? No one seems to wanna go... Hai~! Will be alone again...) Saturday: Attend a wedding at 2pm, Service at 5pm, Spend time with my friends after service till 10pm... Sunday: Driving at 11am, need to finish up research, the whole day gone...

Realised that I haven't been spending enough time with my friends... Been neglecting them... Gosh... I am not feeling good about this fact... Why am I so busy? Did I make myself to be so busy? Gosh... Thank God I dropped most of my extra-cirricular activities... No point...

Been looking and reflecting about this seemingly busy lifestyle I have... Heard a lot of people giving me comments like... "You are so busy, thank goodness I manage to catch you at so-and-so time..." "You are so busy, so capable, can handle so many things at one go..." I realised that I have this label on me now... "You are so busy..." or "You're such a busy person..." etc... Am I that unavailable? I mean, if you needed my time, I would most probably give you a moment or so... Why tag me with this busy-ness? Really need to reflect more on my schedules... Free up certain engagements..

But I have other things I wanna pick up too... So should I? Think I have been hearing God asking me to defer a year at school to serve Him... But then again, it could very well be that book I'm reading... Then I also wanna worship Him with more than just my voice... He has given me a gift of music... I can play quite a number of instruments... But I really wanna learn the guitar now... Felt very helpless when leading worship without guitar... Feel rather inadequate... I know it is not the technicalities that matters the most... But when leading worship, I do not want my lack of skill deter the others' ability to enter into God's presence... I don't want to be the hindrance, if I am leading worship I would much rather allow God to have free reign and lead me, than I have to rely what I am feeling from God to the guitarist... Sometimes the message gets lost... Cos I get the message and forget to pass it on to my guitarist... Haha... See I am so blur...

But despite all my inadequacies, God has provided the things to make them adequate... So praise be to God! Praise His name! His sweet sweet name... Need to go to class now... =P

Claim your blessings before they happen!

Woke up late this morning cos I was rushing out my presentation for today, so I sorta slept at 3am this morning... Woke up at 7.30am... Tried to rush through the morning rituals... Waking my parents up, brushing my teeth, and getting the laundry folded and stuff... Got out of the house at 810... Then my dad decides that he was going to talk on the handphone with the stat board people and that got me slightly panicky... I was thinking that there's gonna be a jam on the AYE etc... So I thought I was gonna be late for school again today... Then I remembered what Mel said last night at cell, she says we only give thanks for the blessings we've already seen come through, what about those blessings that God has yet to release? It was all about trusting God that He will provide etc... So I said a prayer of thanksgiving... Thanking God that I'm not late for school.... And guess what, God even gave me 10 minutes grace to get to classes... Woah~! That's blessing for you...

Then there was the presentation that I had all day today... Gosh... I was so tired almost fell asleep during my movement class... Anyway, the presentation went on rather well... Thank God that He allowed me to hit the nail on its head, managed to give insights to the Theatre of the Absurd's playwrights that my classmates failed to point out... Though it was a group presentation and we had many overlapping ideas and research, there was alot of harmony between each of our points, and we managed to support each other through and through... Amazing...

My God is a wonderful God... He is awesome, omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscene... His blessing will never stop flowing, and His mercy and grace are new every morning... It is so much easier to trust my God, for He never fails... His steadfast love never ends... God is great... He is my Jehovah Jireh, Jehovah Rapha and everything else... He is just too good to me... I just simply want to know my Prince so much more each day... For He has more to love, more to be made known to me every new day... So let me claim my blessing even before they come... 'Cos my God is trustworthy and faithful... =)

My PRINCE has always been here...

Somehow, the world has brainwashed us into thinking that we need to gratify our emotional desires through the various ways there are... The world has also made it socially acceptable to have multiple relationships and even sexual partners... There are many girls out there who are doing these things that the world says it's okay, but there is that longing to be cherished and loved by that one person and to escape from the social norm... They probably want it, but dare not turn their backs on the world to become a social outcast... I think many young Christian girls face these same issues too... It is a very real issue today, where almost everywhere you go, everything you read, everything you hear is crying out to you to embrace such a lifestyle... I find it sad, when I teach the word and my girls still cling on to the world's acceptable marker... Yet, I
long to see a change in their life's priorities... I long to see them set-apart for their Prince, Jesus Christ...

I have already made the decision to be set-apart for God... To be sanctified and consecrated for His kingdom and the guy He has planned for me... I know that I am His Princess, that's why I dare proclaim myself to be a princess... I am proud to be called His princess and know my Saviour as my Prince, my lover... I am willing to fully offer every piece of my heart to my Prince for Him to cleanse and renew... I want to be His lily-white princess... It may be difficult, but I have managed to walk this far without faltering or wavering, because my Lord has strengthen me when the going got tough... I know that God would always provide a way... There is always two ways, I could either take seven awful steps downwards and suffer hell, or take seven glorious steps upwards and enjoy heaven... Simple as that... When there are potholes along
the path I am taking, I could try my best to avoid falling into these potholes, or simply take a different route... So as God's set-apart daughter, I just simply need to guard my inner sanctuary for Him... Allowing nothing else but my Lord from entering... And when sin beckons for me to open my heart's door, I can simply ask for strength from my Lord to fight it off and be steadfast... When my focus is on Him alone, nothing else would affect me or waver me... I can stand strong and firm for Him...

I don't know when my human Prince would come... But I know I have definitely found my Prince before I am 23... Haha... My Prince has always been here... I need not fear... He is by me, gently reminding me to guard my heart, my mind, my soul and my inner sanctuary for Him... I will be set-apart for my Prince, my One and Only... I will relinquish my rights to writing my own love story, but give Him the pen to write my love story for me... He is my Lord, my Creator and my
Father... His plans are far better than my own... I shan't lean on my own understanding, but trust in His perfect ways... =)

God's gift to women? man or kid?

Bought the book God's gift to women with Des for Dale on his birthday... But right now this question bugs me... especially after talking to Von... So what is God's gift to women exactly?
I dunno but the guys I know right now, those that can be considered godly, I can count by the fingers on my hand... And sad to say, some are already given by our King to one of His princesses or too young for His older princess like me... (haha) But what I really find sad about is the fact that there are so few guys out there that can be considered a gentleman, who has no hidden agenda being nice to his fellow sister-in-Christ... *sigh* This just goes to show how
much we need to reach out more... So that God's daughters have no reason to say that there is no guys in Church, that's why they are looking at non-Christians...

I believe, someday my prince will come... (Acts 1:10)

Last night after congre, was waiting for Von's papa to come and pick us up... Thank God for Von staying so near me... (HAHA! God please let me pass my driving test on 26 May 2005 8am so that I can in return bless this daugther of yours with rides home...) Anyway, as we waited, we talked and she was sharing with me about how upset she is with a certain someone... Aiyo this person should just be shot! (Lord I pray that You bring someone into his life to teach him how to treat girls with respect, and not like they are his source of entertainment...) We ended up talking about how the guys nowadays seems to only fall into the WP category... For someone like Von who has manophobia (a termed she coined), these kinda guys just irks her... I guess any girl in the right frame of mind would be irked by these WP guys... I am disgusted... [For those wondering what WP stands for, it is one of the categorised group of guys that Von and Des had come up with in their boredom (I think...)] Shall just cut and paste from Von's entry from a distant time ago...

"We have classified guys into basically 6 categories. [yes,yes a little broad, but guys r not very complicated creatures anyway]

1)The Hairy Poop.[Common Name: The Hollow Space in the Rear End]
Guys who belong to this category are the worst of the worst. as you can read from the name itself. I don't really know anyone who belongs to this category...but i guess they are the guys you watch in soap drama series, where they make girls pregnant and then dump them. you know, that sort. and oh~ guys who date like 5 girls in a row thinking that their mojo is kicking when all they need is a kick in the rear end.

2) The Worm Poop.[Common Name: The Desperate One]
Sadly, I do know a couple of guys in this category. Shall not really mention who...if not people might just tell jefferson and his friend[s]. oops. have i mentioned any names?? These are the guys who are constantly on a "lookout". i don't think that aforementioned male
specimen needs his spectacles...i think he should be using binoculars, at the rate that he looks out for potential girlfriends. Don't understand why they can jump from one girl to the next thinking that the feeling is romantic love. Ignorant poopies they are~
*author's note: aforementioned male specimen does have his redeemable qualities but that is not the focus of our discussion. so...too bad for him.


3) The Hairy Worm. [Common Name: The Unsure]
Well, this is slight elevation from The Worm Poop. Don't really know who to fit into this category. just made it up coz it sounds funny. or maybe this could be the "miscellaneous" category. when you can't exactly decide to put a guy into the Worm Poop category or the category which i am about to introduce due to lack of evidence or informative facts.

4) The Worm. [Common Name: The Common One]
This is the broadest of all the categories. Basically most guys fit into this category [if you don't fit into any of the above and the below] and there is no real negative connotation to belonging in this category, despite the nasty sounding name. Just that you have to prove that you have that ooomph before you can belong to the prestigious blink blink category below.


5) The Butterfly[Common Name: The Boyfriend Every Girl Deserves To Have]
Before you think that this is an unattainable standard, fret not. because i do know a couple of guys who belong to this category. and i guess mel should be pleased to know that her boyfriend belongs to this category. we're not asking for perfection, but guys who are nice to girls with no "impure" motives whatsoever. guys who do sweet things for their girlfriends without their girlfriends hinting with a loudspeaker in their face, and guys who love God above all. and Jesus would be The Butterfly of all butterflies.

6) The Worm in the Soil (not from this earth)
The reason why this category was mentioned last is not because it is the ultimatum of the list. The reason is because this category is out of the list. Have you ever met a guy
where you totally wonder whether if he has any thinking organs installed in him?? Have you ever had a conversation with a guy that you totally have no idea what you both are conversing and yet he could still go on and on and on?? Have
you ever met a guy that you think might have a imaginary friend called Jar Jar Binks?? Well, this is THE category for such people. I am sure Chua can easily fit one into this category. "
(Yes I definitely can fit one into the category of TWITS... But I shan't divulge more... Those who know me will know who I can fit into this cat... But I also thank God that I only know one guy who fit into the TWITS, but know a handful f guys who fit into the Butterfly category... The rest of the guys well, they fit into the Worm category la...)

Anyways, we were talking about children, marriage and stuff... I was saying that I had always wanted to get married by 23... So I have about +/- 2 years to go la... Simply calculating the time needed, if I really wanted to get married by 23... First of all, I would most definitely need to have a BF who is going to marry me, by this year... That is if we only date for a year... Coz he must propose by the end of that year, so that we can then go for Marriage Preparation Course (MPC), which lasts one year... So by the end of 2 years, we'll be ready for
marriage... Just nice I'll by 23 then... Haha... 

So in jest I said aloud, "If God You will me to get married by 23, provide the guy you have planned for me before Valentine's Day this year... Haha... If not Your will for me to be married by 23, then whatever la huh... Up to You God..."

Looking back at it, I felt so foolish... Von then warned me about the things I ask God for in jest... He might just be laughing at me for being so silly... I know...

God, laugh ok? You created me this way, for Your pleasure, so enjoy me ok?

Back to where I was, well, words spoken out are claims we've made, cannot take back... But then we were looking at all the guys around us, how WP they can be, I realised that getting married at 23 is definitely impossible la... The guys I know are all either still in NS, or school... None has the financial capabilities to settle down and start a family in 3 years time... Still, it's God's plans and His will, not mine... Your will be done O Lord, not mine...

Bottomline is that God would only provide His Best! Nothing short of it... So in the mean time, both Von and I can just stay happily single... Not a problem for me... Have been single my whole life till now, don't really see a need for a life-time partner as yet... It's just that looking at children all day, seeing how adorable they are, and being twenty-ish just makes me feel like I wanna have my own adorable tots... Guess I probably am not marriage material... I just want kids, would probably neglect my husband, cause I think it's not a husband I want... I simply just want children... Haha... So silly of me... But I know that my God will provide... And to quell all these nonsensical thoughts, He has even planned a whole series of marriage sermons for the next few Saturdays entitled - Lord of the Rings... God just simply know our thoughts before we even voice them out... Words just can't express how in awe I am of my God... He knows me sooooo well... =)

His plans are to prosper you...

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD , "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (NIV)

I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. (MSG)

How true this verse is... After the recent "inner turmoils" I have, I realised that I was simply not trusting God... I had all the head knowledge, I can quote bible verses accurately, I can teach the Word of God truthfully, yet I keep forgetting His providence for me... Yesterday was a revealing day for me... Realised all the lies that T.E.O has placed in my mind, the deceptions in my heart... Next time I feel upset, not only must I bring it up in prayer and petition to my Father, I must also clarify matters with the other party... Must not let T.E.O win... I was just to self-centred and not God centred when I was thinking about all these... *Sigh* Well, at least through all these, I have learnt a new lesson and am sure God is happy too... *BIG GRIN* =D

Lord I thank You for Your faithful mercy
All my footsteps have been guided by grace
From this moment on my heart will praise You
Lord I love You
Lord I love You
Mercy, mercy
Goodness and kindness
Love and forgiveness
Mercy, mercy
It's been mercy all the way
You have loved me with a great compassion
You have spared me from the pain I deserve
Here's my heart O may it bring You pleasure
Lord I love You
Lord I love You
Mercy, mercy
Goodness and kindness
Love and forgiveness
Mercy, mercy
It's been mercy all the way
You have loved me with Your love unending
You have touched me with Your kindness and grace
So unworthy of Your kingly presence
Yet You beckon me come
Yet You beckon me come

It's been mercy all the way

God's mercies are just so wonderful... They are new every morning...

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The night was simply amazing! Leading worship for network congregation meeting is tough and scary... And though we only have the people over at TCT, it is simply petrifying... But God's hand was in all of these... Throughout the rehearsals we have had, I always had a problem with the end of the lines for some of the songs... And then there was the constant nagging in my head telling me to not sing too high, not go out of pitch etc... I was basically sorta freaking out... I was like, why did I even volunteered... Gosh! But God came and I could just feel Him... The feeling was electrifying... He came and brought the peace into my heart... And like Dale was telling me, "Don't worry about the technicalities, just worship God." or something like that la... Can't really remember what exactly he said... But as dinner came to an end, and after receiving prayers from Melissa and Charmaine, I felt this peace that stopped all the butterflies in my stomach from fluttering... God was in our midst...
When we sang the first song to settle down the congregation, I was just focused on one thing... Worshipping God with all my heart, my soul and my strength... I was just standing in front leading the congregation as God lead me... So when we went to the fast songs, I could sense God prompting... He wanted His children to be like little tots... Have that simple faith and to have simple fun... He wanted His children to sing, dance and be silly... He wanted us to be free of cares and just worship and praise Him simply... This worship leading thingy is actually quite fun and addictive... Haha... If given another opportunity in other times, I won't mind leading God's children to worship... Though I had my fears, His love just dispelled it all away... It was no longer me... It was God... He is the captain of the ship and I was just following His directions... Truly humbling experience... After congre, people came and thanked me... I was embrassed, I mean who am I that they came and thanked me? It was not me they should thank, but God! It was not I who made it fun, but God... I may have been funny and slightly awkward leading the congre, but I am definitely not the reason why worship was good or fun... God allowed it to be... So praise be unto God...

He is ALWAYS there, to set us FREE... So that EVERY MOVE I MAKE I make in Him... Because He is GOD OF WONDERS,  WITH ALL I AM I'll come before the Lord and worship Him... For only He is able to COMPLETE me...

PRAISE BE TO GOD ALMIGHTY!

@ Peace

Thank God for the friends in my life... In my downest times, I have precious friends who lend their listening ear without complaints... I thank God for Weiying, Des, Von... These girls are the best!!! They have heard me rant on and on, seen me cry, help me out whenever possible... Thank God for them!

Des, this wonderful girl, spent her time listening to me at esplanade library. Though she didn't know what to say to me after listening, she being there just provided all that I needed... After letting it all out, I am feeling at peace - with God and with myself... I just think that I have too high an expectation of myself... That's why I come down so hard on myself when I fail to do what I think is right... I should stop being such a perfectionist... Thank God for Des...
Weiying, my best partner in crime... She is helping me play guitar as I lead worship for congre tomorrow.. We practiced and practiced this morning until now her hand hurts and my voice is slightly hoarse... Haha... Had a good late lunch with her at THAIExpress at Tiong Bahru, the tom yum soup was so good... The soft shell crab was delicious and so was the pineapple rice... So full now... Feeling very bloated...
Von, my nearest neighbour after Nad, and after tomorrow my only neighbour left in the group of friends I have... She is one darling too... Thanks for offering to lend me a listening ear... But just happened that haven't been spending enough time with you... Sorry... Wanna go out soon?

Chilled out at Esplanade's Haagen Dazs last night...  Was with Des to celebrate Dale's birthday for him... This silly guy, footed the bill when Des and I wanted to pay for it... Saying that we are not working yet so nevermind... But it was your birthday, how could you pay for your own birthday cake? Argh, made Des and I so dunno what to do next... But thank God you like your present... God is just so wonderful... He wanted you to read that book and voila we bought it for you though we didn't know about this book and you were wanting to read I kissed dating goodbye... Hope you enjoy reading this book... :) Thanks for the ride home and my apologies for being so gan cheong when you drive... Bad habit developing, now that I know how to and still learning to drive... Good thing no accidents...

Need to talk to Mel, and clear up the misunderstanding... I think I have allowed my feelings to overwhelm my thought process... Have been rather illogical... Anyway, these are just people, why should I be so disturbed by what they comment... The Lord is my God and my strength... He is my justice too... I need not explain myself or change myself as long as I am in tune with God...

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
- Isaiah 41:10

Stop changing ME... I want my INDIVIDUALITY!

Haven't been feeling on top of the world of late, been rather moody and I dun think I know the reason behind it... Just that somehow of late, I've been feeling rather alienated... Alienated in almost all the social groups I thought I belonged to... Haiz... Probably I'm just being overly sensitive... But I just feel that although I am physically there with the group, something is just not connecting... There are also quite a number of things that has been making me feel rather left out... Somehow, I don't seem to be connecting at the same level as they are... So though I am hanging out in a group, I just feel so lonely... Guess it is just like being in a crowd does not mean that you are not alone... Probably I am just being insecure... Or am I? I think it boils down to certain unresolved issues I have inside me... Inner turmoil (as Des would put it)... I have been having these inner struggles that are making me feel less than chirpy... I guess I have turn into quite a grouch... But then again, unless something triggers it, the ugly monster in me would not rear its big fat ugly head... Is there some thing seriously wrong with me? I don’t know! Help! I dun like feeling this way... But I just am feeling so... Sigh... I know I need to take up personal responsibility... I know that there are areas in my life that God is moulding me in... I know all these, but I am only human, I do fall and stumble in times when I am less than alert... I know I need to keep my personal sensors on and change when I know I am rearing towards that less than perfect direction... I do know that I need not be perfect... But I want to at least strive to be a little more Christ-like each day... So why am I finding such resistance inside me? Why? Argh... I just cannot take it anymore when people tell me that I need to do this, need to change that when I already know and am already trying to change... Hello! I need time and space to change too... Others are also probably like me too, yet they are given more time and space, while I keep getting people breathing down my neck... You comment about my dressing, well think about yourself first... You comment about my attitude, what about your own... Sometimes I realise that it is really easy to complain and comment... But hey, I am merely human... I know it is part of God's moulding process... I know that listening and accepting with the right heart, though I might not totally agree, is submission... I GET THE MESSAGE, so give me a break will you? Sometimes, doing too much would result in an adverse effect... I am upset... I am declaring that I am upset... And I don't need anyone to come take pity on me... But really, I've had enough of getting picked at, scrutinised and commented... I know you are talking behind my back... I am just sitting next to you and you do that... I am not that clueless ok... You think you are so cool, so pretty, so sassy... SO WHAT... I am already trying my best to fit into that perfect mould that you would like me to be in... I have already made the effort to change... So what are you still not happy about? Which areas in my life are you upset with? I am willing to change, but tell me why you think I should and it better not be just because you think it is wrong… I am the way I am and that defines ME! You may see things from a different perspective, so kindly enlighten me and tell me why you think I should change… I would gladly take up the suggestion and make an effort to… Just don’t keep pointing out this and that, without telling me why it is bad… I am not as strong as you think I am… And I don't want to end up trying too hard... In fact I am just as happy with who I am... So what if not everyone likes me... I need not please everyone... I think I am rather teachable, so why don't you just tell me what is wrong and explain to me... I don't need you coming to tell me my shirt is too short, my pants is too low or whatever... I think I am one of the more conservative dressers among all my peers already... So give me a break will you... Are you picking on me because sometimes by accident a little skin peeks out?? Well, what do you want me to do? This is HOT and HUMID Singapore, do you want me to be wrapped up like a rice dumpling before you stop criticising my dressing? I am FAT so what? Does that mean that I am to be scrutinised in my dressing everytime I wear t-shirt and jeans? I have been made this way, wired this way... Is it my fault that no matter how I try I just can't seem to shed that extra weight? I may not look good in that clothing, but I am comfortable in it and I don't think I am stumbling anyone else... So please, so picking on me... I was a fat baby, a fat kid... I did think of losing those spare tyres... But it is not that I don't want to... It just simply would not go away... You skinny people get lost and stop picking on me! You people keep telling me not to do too much... Not to put myself under such perfectionistic measures... But hey you are the one asking me to change... Stressing the need for me to make certain changes... Yet you are also the ones who tell me don't try so hard... Not all things need to be perfect you know... Yeah I know... So why are you constantly contradicting yourself? Pish-posh... You hypocritical people... You keep telling me something is wrong with me, I listen, I obey and I make an effort to change... Are you glad with the result? NO... You find more fault and scrutinise me even deeper... You tell me it is for my benefit... I know... But hey tell the truth with love... There are hints of love... But mere traces... Why is it that there are double standards? Why is it that you treat others better than you treat me? I don't require special treatment of any kind, but I don't need that extra attention... I love each and every one of you, but sometimes, I rather not be around you at all... I probably don't understand the reason behind your actions... And you hardly ever tell me why you come down so harsh on me... Only with one liners saying that you love me that's why you do so... Whatever, I get the message... I have feelings too... I may happen to be the loudest person in the group... But that does not mean that I have no feelings and thoughts... Give me a break... When people copy another some people call it a form of admiration or whatever la huh... But please, I don't need to hear that you have the same shirt, a million other people around the world do too... I don't need you to copy my idea... You have a creative mind too use it... I AM insecure in certain ways... And I feel that my individualism is what makes me ME! So please you can share my friends and other things, just don't make me feel as if you are making yourself a replica of me in certain areas... I need my sense of INDIVIDUALITY... Thanks... Guess these were probably the two main issues that has been bugging me of late... Finding a way to come to terms and building my security in God... But I need time... For the time being, I will continue to be in search of the anwsers and right responses... I don't want to become another obedient Singaporean who does not have the guts to voice his/her own opinions... I want my INDIVIDUALITY.... I want to retain some essence of me being ME... And stop commenting and asking me to tone down on my laughter... I have a UNIQUE laughter... You feel threaten or embrassed when I laugh? Then go away... But don't ask me to shut up... I am loud... But at least I know who I really am... Do you? Until you can answer the question on who you really are, don't comment on me...

Finally after so long... A very sleepy entry

Haven't been blogging for quite sometime already... Have been so busy that haven't actually found the time to log on and write... So I guess I might have a lot to blabber on about in this one... Haha

Dunno why I actually volunteered to lead worship for network cogre this saturday... I must have been out of my mind... But had fun working with WY the whole of last night, choosing songs... Rehearsing... Getting the lyrics done... It was tough, but really fun... Haha...

Very tired... Falling asleep... Had so many theoretical lessons... So tired... Think I might fall asleep any moment now... *Snooze*

Quite excited about leading worship... But I also have my fears and trepidations... Gosh... But I will trust in Him... He is my strength, my shield and my comfort... I know that God will be there as long as I am still and know that He is God... Yeah... God rocks...

Nadine is leaving on saturday... Sob sob... My neighbour is going Down Under and probably not gonna come back anytime soon... Now I got no more kaki to chit chat under the void deck... No more kaki to run up to borrow stuff... No more kaki to ask me to go over to keep her company when she has no one to talk to... Stop! I am just gonna make myself sad... *Sniff

Hai ya... Guess the next time I will see this neighbour of mine next Christmas... It's such a loooooooong time away... Nadine, must bring back juicy infos and keep me updated ya...

Aiya I should stop here... need to sleep... going home to do so... snoozey...