thoughts of the day...

hmm... one more week and it is my BIRTHDAY!!!!!
i m both excited and yet slightly sian about it liao...
thinking about all the unresponsive people and
having to need to ask them for RSVPs...

pink and silver balloons...
bright pink all over the house muahahahahaha....
should i go get pink cloth???
i want a pink cake but all the cakes look so fake being pink...
haha...
tom yam soup... lemon fish... mixed veggie... bee hoon...
wad else did i asked my mummy for? sigh... i forgot!!!!

  
think i need a hair cut soon... haha...  (side-track abit)
i m going to colour my hair strawberry blonde!!!
leave half natural... the other half go strawberry blonde...
muahahaha...

in the midst of all the things that are happening right now...
my birthday party seem so trivial...
so many things are happening now that i m getting a
sense of being rather helpless...

i can do so little in the midst of these frantic stuff... 
it is in such moments that we really understand the power of God...
in our weaknesses He is strong...
when we feel most helpless, can He do His wonderous deeds...

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reading the newspaper this morning...

saw the reports of bombing in sulawesi...
it just brings to mind how can people invoke hurt on people?

don't they feel the pain?
are they simply senseless militants
who just wanna see bloodshed in their homeland?
i just don't understand how
it is possible for people to hurt others...
sigh
they just hurt themselves in the end...
they just dont get it i guess...

rambling...

went out with WY and Charm Cheong last night to look for Gwen's present... found it and we wanted to go shopping a little... but the shops were all closing!!!! why oh why do shops close early during the GSS?!?! i think it's to stop me from spending money... haha... bought a hot pink halter neck top from Fox... Charm bought a similar one in black... said we'll wear it on saturday... haha... gosh... really must go shopping soon... haha...

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haha the avocado juice from yesterday has been churning my stomach for more than 12 hrs liao... stomache... argh!!! 

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got free trial membership for a gym at paragon... fitness first... my friend nominated me on her list of trial memberships... haha so farnie... 

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my guest list has gone up to 49 people... haha... cos i so forgot about some of my JC classmates... haha... blur me... but nevermind la... 21st birthday... the more the merrier!!! hahaha.... my pink party... pink cake... pink deco... pink everything!!!! muahahahaha!!!! i've gone bonkers!

sigh...

I failed my TP... guess I won't be driving anytime soon... retaking my TP end july... so for the time being I shall just be driven around... haha...

Busy busy....

Am I a busy person? I think I am not... But others think I am... I think I am simply just a very enthusiastic person... Who simply love to help others... When I say I'll do it I'll do it... But others around me just see me as a super woman... Gungho and super-onz... Able to face all challenges... But they don't see me in my weakest... They simply see what they choose to see... When they see that I am "busy"... They don't realise how free I am... When they see that I am "free"... They don't realise that I am actually in my most busy period... I have given up time and time again trying to explain myself... If they know me, they know me... Well, at least I know my spiritual "mummy" does...

Last night had a breakdown... Felt rather accused... It all accumulated and now looking back... I am feeling bad that I seemed to have allowed myself to push everything onto Mel... Allowed T.E.O to put in my mind that I am not good enough etc... When she didn't even mean it that way... It all began with the issue of the compasses... Then started talking about the girls... How irresponsible they can be at times... So as the talk progressed and Mel asked me about the things I needed to get doing I simply lost it... sigh... But had a talk with Mel on the phone and I know that she won't reprimand me... She simply is concern if I am going to exhaust myself... Talking to her released and prevented deception from creeping in... I know I need to learn to let go more... Say "No..." to unnecessary commitments more... I need to learn to see things in God's perspective more... All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial... So I guess I simply need to learn to look at things which are beneficial to my growth more than simply saying yes to everything that comes along the way... Need to learn to weigh my priorities better... I am learning... But along the way, I would probably still get myself into unnecessary situations... Haha... But that's just me la... Too generous with my yeses... Tomorrow TP... Gonna get my driver's license... Yeah... Then I need not take the slow-poke bus... The horrible MRT... Or trust in cab drivers who do not know their way and then over charge me... With my license I'll probably spend more time with my parents... Driving them around... So watch out Singapore... I'm on the road... Make way!

 

mixed emotions

why is life more complicated as we grow older? things are just not the same from those olden days of childhood memories... prayer meeting last night was good... i cried but dunno why really... i think i need a break... a break from everything in life right now... need to find a place of solitude with God... how i wish the retreat is this month, but wadeva... i wanna shut up and shut out the life i have now... but i know i can't... why have things gone this way? is my life not right again? oh shut up u evil voice in my head and get out of my mind! i am not feeling at my peak today... my heart is growing hard towards stuff... why does wad people say still affect me so? searched my heart and realised that there is no truth in wadeva he said... he don't really know me... and for him to make such a comment... knowing it simply irks me... wadeva... it is just probably because i have don't really like him and am sometimes rather mean to him that's why he said wadeva he said... well, from this day forth i shall be nice... even if it means hard work... i shall be nice... i am sadden by the news i received this morning... sigh Lord give me Your guidance... i shall have solitude on sunday... after my driving lesson... i shall not organise anything for the next few weeks... don't wanna be bothered by what people say... shall just join whatever activity that others invite and consider it case-by-case... i dun wanna care! i simply wanna live my life now and not be bothered by what other people has to say about me... why am i in such a depressive mode today? argh.... shall think of happy thoughts... i will get my driver's licence by the 26th May... i will pass my driving indeed... and i shall go make my website now... come visit it and leave your comments la... here's my webby addy... http://www.geocities.com/reggie_veggie2001/Regina_homepage.html

dreams...

wrote my word for cell today... printed out a whole load paperwork...

i had a dream of him in my sleep last night... it was so weird... somehow i am wondering if it is simply just because i've been thinking too much about this person cos as the chinese saying goes 日有所思，夜有所夢。 In English it means "thoughts of the day becomes dreams of the night..." or if there is more to it than simply thoughts... it was a really surreal dream... i mean nowadays i have hardly dream, or remember my dreams when i wake up... but this dream is different... in my waking moments i can remember the things so clearly... wonder if he had a similar one... haha... but right now am asking God if it is more than a dream... argh! why am i seemingly plague by this? i always thought these guys are simply my friends? is there really NO good platonic friendship between guys and girls... *sigh*

the dream was rather weird... it was somewhat a camp or something... then as we all sat in a group, some girl was asking if he liked anyone at the moment... then he replied with... yes i do like someone and i know that that someone likes me too, but we are just too shy to do anything, and that someone is in the midst and hearing this now... then the group breaks up and go to their respective room... then funnily enough the two of us end up talking and the topic went to the someone issue that was discussed during the group chat... then the two of us told each other that we should talk to our leaders... and that was the dream cos once that scene ended i woke up as if clockwork... so this dream has been running through my mind for about the past few times since i woke... as i am typing this, it is 1220pm...

and since i've let it out of my chest, i must go back to work now... haha... i am such a slacker... and i shan't think about it anymore... if it is in God's plans it will come to pass... if not then so be it...

just wondering...

have been wondering... how is it that i could be so insensitive at times? how is it that i could sometimes neglect the feelings of those around me and just do wad i wan... is this a sign of weakness? *sigh* shall remember that in my weaknesses He is strong.... have also been wondering... should i just have a simple party at home or BBQ by the beach? the pros of having it at home... - i will pack up my house! (finally...) - i will save a lot more money cos my mummy can cook! - i will be able to make use of the front and back spaces of my house... - i will be able to have a karaoke session if the guest wanna sing! - my fridge will stock up and be fully utilised for once! the cons of having it at home... - i will have to clean up my house alone... the nightmare!   (mummy said it is my own pa sa... i totally agree with her...) - i will have to make sure everyone leaves by midnight...   (HDB rules of lowering music after 11...) - i might not have enough seatings...   (but they can seat on the steps...) the pros of having it at the beach... - i will not need to worry about cleaning up! - i will not need to worry about seats! - i will not need to worry about time! - i will not need to worry about noise level! the cons of having it at the beach... - i will spend a lot of money catering and stuff... ( will go broke man...) - i will probably lose my friends cos they wander too far off... - i will probably get unwanted guests... - i will probably have a problem getting everyone home by a stipulated time... - i will probably have a problem going home... - i will probably not have enough food... oh wadever... i shall have it at home... if i can find the stupid bbq pit i have chuck somewhere at home i can have a bbq at home too! hmm... i guess 21st birthday party for me is a milestone that i wanna celebrate... and i guess i am too much of a ceremony person to forgo a celebration such as this... argh... i dunno... the guest list is rather long... hmm...

and here's a cool invite Lydia did for me.. so cool...

If you are unable to view this e-card, please click here

Wad a day...

Wrote a song for my beloved Lord... Wanted to submit it in for the songwriting competition in church but felt that I wasn't good enough for it... My song to my Lord is so simple, I was thinking in my finite mind that it won't make it pass the judges... But I like my simple lyrics...

King of all glory, of heaven above Yet all for love's sake became poor You who are Most High, came down unto earth To love us and bear all our sins Jesus, thank You for the Cross Thank You for dying for us Jesus, thank You for Your Blood Washing us whiter than snow My Saviour Redeemer, Christ Jesus my Lord Obedient even to death You were forsaken, the pain You endured All for love's sake You were hung

I think it is simple... It has only three chords - C, D and G... And for now I am contented just singing it in my bedroom and share it softly with my friends...

Went for dinner with Dale, Lydia, Sean and Amos last night... Don't know why but I lost my appetite once I reached the place... Must be the odd eating hours... Haven't been eating right the past 2 days... On Saturday, I had a can of milo in the morning, den after service I tried to eat porridge but only managed 5 spoonfuls, had a glass of Mango Madness at Galilee & Friends at Cineleisure will I was out with Celine, Audris, Alvin, Dex & Zhenglong... And that was all for Saturday... Sunday, I forced myself to eat a Oriental Chicken Salad from KFC for lunch at around 3pm... Den around 8pm decided I shall join Dale, Lydia, Sean and Amos at Pasta Fresca for dinner, but I didn't eat anything... So off we went when the rest were done with dinner... I decided I shall eat or I probably will fall sick sooner or later... I went to the deli, wanting to buy a single black pepper chicken drumstick, but cos it was after 9, it was buy one get one free... And the lady even threw in a bacon stick free! Well... I ate the bacon stick after we paid... Eating that I was contented... Haha... But also rather full... So kept the drumsticks till I reached home... We bought wine, doritos and gelato... Everyone came to my place... Had wine and doritos and gelato... Tried to eat my chicken... Half-way through I was full already and that was only half a chicken drumstick! I think I need to get my system back in order... Gosh...

Anyway, we tried to watch the FAW esplanade concert on the projection TV downstairs... But the VCD player won't co-operate... Then we proceeded to my room to use my com to watch it... It worked... But after that, we started an ad-hoc FAW meeting... I should say I am pleasantly surprised... Yet at the same time I am not... Cos I think I know Dale too well, somehow, we would have gotten about this issue sooner or later... While we were discussing the tentative plans and committee, I realised how much can read his mind... After all I've been working with him for 5 years nearly 6 now... I was simply putting in names, knowing who he had in mind... And even before he says anything, I've gotten it done... I amazed myself constantly when it comes to knowing certain people in a working environment... The same goes for me in school, at the office and ministry... I thank God for this gift of initiativeness... And I thank Him that my sensitivity towards others is gradually improving... There is now a balance in the way I am handling certain stuff, and I think I can see certain growth in myself... I am happy with that and am hoping that as the days go by, I am growing to be the woman God wants me to be... His Proverbs 31 woman...

afternoon entry

Am suppose to go to the MDA office later... Wondering if I should go off soon... since I am not doing much... If it is in God's will I know He will provide with the finances for my studies... After all, He provided for the past two years, with aids in the first year and a bursary in my second... Now just wondering how my final year would go... Really hope I could get the NEEDS BASED AWARD in school, or the MDA Media Education Scheme Scholarship... Praying very hard...

Needless to say I know that MY GOD is a GREAT God... He does not give me anything that is not His BEST! He is simply DA BEST! My heavenly Father's mercy and grace abounds so abundantly in my life that I have gotta spread HIS blessings with those I come in contact with daily! My financial situation according to my bank account is looking up even if it is ever so slightly... Used to have days when it is in cents... Nowadays, I have a healthy bank account... Praise the LORD!!!!

My recommendation letters from my lecturers are very positively written... I guess when you commit yourself to worship the Lord with all the works of your hands, He sees it and is pleased... And I am grateful for the favour I have found in LASALLE...  Like it said in Luke 2:52 "Jesus grew in wisdom and stature,  and in favour with God and men." So as I try to be more like Him, I do hope I am growing as He did too...

Anyways, I am not eating lunch again... Didn't have breakfast this morning... Now no lunch... I am indeed going about my diet in a wrong manner... Must go eat something later when I knock off at 4... Maybe food outside of campus might be a little more appealing... *sigh*

 

all about missions...

Now that going on missions is in its third year for me... And that in this third year I am not going cos I wanna obey my parents for once... I am beginning to miss the little kids there very much... I have yet to load last year's missions' photos online... But in my first year there were very adorable kids who called me "gemut kaka..." This one dear little girl, who should be I think 9 years old now... Her name is Nafita... She was the dearest to me during my short three days in her town... She is so adorable that until today I still often remember her... *sigh* How I wish I could just fly there and be with these adorable kids right now... Haha... Well here are some photo of the little dearies...

 this is Nafita...

 Nafita and Diyan...

  this is Diyan...

 
one of those little kids whom I couldn't understand... she is from a village in Palembang...

I miss them all... Then there is Rama... Ayu... Sri... I should simply load up their photos... They are simply adorable... The innocence in children... It's no wonder that it is stated in Mark 10:13 - 16 that Jesus loves the little children... I feel that loving children is a mark of obedience... After all Jesus loves little children, and to be more Christ like I think loving children is one trait to follow after...
Beside, "... the kingdom of God belongs to such as these..." - Mark 10:14b

Maybe this year, I can learn to love city children... Village kids are easier to love because they require so little to be pleased... Children growing up in the city are slightly more difficult to please cos they already have everything... I should probably start by first loving my spiritual children and those spiritually young... After all, I do know my daughters' needs better than I know others'...

Life is Unpredictable... But God is GOOD!!!!

No I did not get attached and unattached overnight... Haha! But of late I am realising how somethings are really unpredictable... Life suddenly seem a little too exciting for me... Haha... Nah~! Just joking...

On Wednesday, I was at my bus stop and Dex drove passed and saw me... But I realised it too late and well, did not take that free ride from him... Haha... Which I think was actually a good thing... But now he knows where I stay la... Haha... But by the 26th of May I need no more rides from anyone! I would have gotten my license to drive...

On Saturday... Haha... Guess it's all in God's plans... I just found out today that Dex is going on missions too... And to think of all years I am not going for this one... But whatever... It's all part of GOD's PERFECT plans for ME!!!! Yay!!!!  I must admit that I was a little disappointed at first la... I was already rather disappointed that I am not going on missions this year... I certainly do miss Rama, Sri, my shuai ge at Punai... Guess they probably forgot me already... Their gemut kaka... And there is Deborah and my favourite little nickname giver from another town... I think I was already sad that I am not seeing these little kids... Plus the knowledge that he is going made me disappointed for that moment of about an hour or so haha... But I guess this also shows my heart and made me keep it in check... Thinking in retrospect, how could I allow myself to even be upset and get my motives all mixed up? That was so wrong... *Tsk tsk Regina* I felt that this was seriously all in God's plans... Ps Debra gave me the go ahead of not participating in missions this year and so did Mel... Like what Ps Debra said to me when I first told her, she said something like this la.. It is probably good that you are not going this year, let others rise up to the occasion and serve... Which is rather wise of her I must say... Had I gone this year and took up an extra space then probably someone else can't go and since Dex was the last to confirm, it would probably be him... So looking back and checking my heart, I learnt a whole new thing call giving others a chance to serve too... I could also be serving God without going on the team!

But at the same time I was just thinking how ironic it was as I was teaching the girls about letting go off this area of relationships just yesterday and today I am mulling over the guys! How ironic it must seem... But nah... I am contented that I can be of service to God in my singleness...

Having hang out with the group of sisters and brothers at esplanade... I have come to a better understanding of what guys want out of a relationship... I also caught up on what I missed at the leaders' meeting last Wednesday... Simply put God kept true to His promise... He said that when we learn to commit this area of relationship to Him, He will give us insight and knowledge to a better understanding of what it means... Re-reading the book as I prepare the sessions for the girls, I am gaining a better insight to God's plans for me too... Listening to Yvonne, Fiona, Zhengyuan and Dexter talk about this, I am all the more sure that 23 is like too early for marriage... Haha... I have been sooooo naive... But anyway, it was a good learning experience... And I got to know these brothers and sisters better... I enjoyed hanging out and talking about things that build each other up rather than put each other down... It is something that I don't get anywhere else I think...

Later that night, I went to meet Dale, Sean and Lydia for supper... Sean and Lydia people I haven't met for years... Wow! How Lydia has changed... Fosters sucks... don't go there ever! Anyway, was talking to Dale on the way home and I was further affirmed by God how naive my thoughts are... And after that chat I came to realise that I am giving God too many restrictions on the One... and wanting to get married at 23? was probably tooooo young... Haha... Zhengyuan said it and now Dale confirmed it... I mean eight people telling me the same thing all within the same day... God is surely trying to tell me that "Regina I did not plan for You to get married by 23! Don't limit My plans for you! Listen to Me good." So Dale being the eighth person to tell me that 23 was a little too young seemed to seal up what God has been trying to say all day... From Jean to Ps Lily, Weiying to Desiree, Yvonne to Zhengyuan and Dexter to Dale... Woah~! God is definitely giving me a rather clear sign...

 

Simply knowing that God has the BEST for me is good enough for me right now... Like I taught the girls on Friday, when we give into God's love and let Him take control, the benefits are endless... And one of it would be that I grow in knowledge... I grow in the ability to discern not only between what's good and bad... But what is good and BEST!!! Yeah~! I am seriously HAPPILY SINGLE!

 

  Dear Father,
Right now everything to me appear rather ironic... How is it possible that I am teaching the girls about kissing dating goodbye and at the same time be mulling over guys all within 48hrs... How come I am feeling disappointed over the fact that Dex is going and I am not? I know very well that I was disappointed long ago when I was deciding not to go on missions this year to obey my parents and let them know that I am listening to them... But how come I am feeling the pinch because he is going? This is feeling all so wrong... And my heart all of a sudden feels so wrongly motivated... As I search my heart to understand why things are like this and I am feeling like that... I have come in my finite and simple understanding, concluded that it is simply for the best! After all, I would probably be at the very least distracted by his presence and thus I would not be wholeheartedy serving the nations with the right motives... And beside God You know it best and I am probably not ready for such distractions at this moment of my walk... So God, thank You for being my Wonderful Understanding Father... Thank You Lord for guarding my heart... Thank You that I have been allowed better understanding to this thing called relationships... Thank You for the insight and knowledge I have gained, as You have promised... The realisation that Your plans may not be what I have thought it was and might have been rather naive and unrealistic from the various people whom I have spoken to has opened me to understand more of Your grace... Thank You for using them to speak to me O Lord... Thank You for the revelations and the thoughts, these have helped me understand Your plans for me need not be limited by my thinking... I have come to a clearer understanding of what it really means to surrendering my life's eraser to You truly... Looking in retrospect, I think You have been trying to tell me many times before not to limit myself, but I feel that I can only now say that I am beginning to see the light... Thank You Lord for being so patient in Your love for me... I simply ask Lord that You keep me in check constantly and help me guard my heart better against being overly emotional over all things... Help me O Lord to grow in discipline, that  I may be more like You... So that my love for others would be reflective of Yours for me... Unconditional, selfless and generous... I know it would take more moulding, so I ask Lord that You continue to stretch me like a rubber band... Help me learn to let go totally and be obedient to Your voice... Help me learn to trust in Your provision... I know Lord, when I am ready, and it would be in Your time, You would let all things come to pass... I know I need not worry... And it is all perfectly planned by You... In Your time, I would learn to be better at discern not just the good from the bad, but the best from the good... Thank You Lord... Help me love You more... Because ultimately whoever You have planned for me is most definitely Your best! I pray that You help him to grow, whoever he may be cos I don't know, but You do... Mould him into the man You want him to be, a man after Your heart, in sync with You... A man who puts You first and loves You deeply... And Lord, make me the woman You want me to be... A woman after Your heart, a princess trusting in her King... So that many will be blessed and I would be that Proverbs 31 woman who will glorify Your name... Thank You Lord for being my Heavenly Father... Thank You God for being God...
Amen

 

random thoughts

schools over... i m getting bored... can't seem to find a job... sianz~!

applied for various scholarships... wonder if i could get it... sigh~!

just knocked my head agains the stairs at school... ouch~!

i need a job! God please give me on... So that it doesn't interfere with Your plans for me... So that it doesn't interfere with ministry!

sigh... that's all for today i guess... gotta go do soemthing more meaningful...

 

Post Production!!!

Finally! School's OVER!!!! The graduation show for the final year was so successful... And it is sad to see them going already... Helping out as dresser for the JUNGLE BOOK was actually a really enjoyable thing... Never had I imagined being able to get to know my seniors better before this show... Now after weeks of spending time together through rehearsals and stuff... It feels sad to know that next sem, it's down to my batch of 6 and the newbies... Gosh~! How time flies! It feels as if I just auditioned for this course... Then in a blink of the eye, I am already going into my third year! AH!!!! The horrors~!  Next year this time I would have graduated!!!! OMG! Can't believe it!

Went for the cast party after productions wrapped up... It wasn't exactly a cast party per se... But almost everyone was there and we were all just having fun at Liquid room... The word was it that I was a virgin-clubber... So Liyah, Jo, Alycia and Theresa were like thinking that I have never ever gone clubbing before... Well, technically speaking I haven't... But because of the way things are, I have been exposed to the elements before... Haha~! So funny... They keep asking me how I find clubbing... And I keep replying "So-so"... The DJ at Liquid room was quite terrible la... Music gets cut off mid track... so irritating... But anyways, I don't find anything special about clubbing... It's just like celebration service praise and worship... Everyone was just bobbing up and down... I think church worship and praise is way cooler than clubbing, if it means being squashed up amongst the crowd and bobbing up and down... At the very least, worship and praise has an element of LIFE into it, whiles clubbing is well... BLAH~! Guess I won't be going clubbing anytime soon... Unless of course the company is this bunch... Or any other bunch of my friends... I am now aching all over, being deprived of sleep cos I have to work and my feet feels super sore... This whole clubbing thing is fun only when you do it around people you trust... But I am now thinking of doing something for my 21st birthday... I'll be saving up to book tables at Dbl O for it I think... My brother works there and I heard that it's a nice big space... So no squeezing on the dance floor with strangers I guess unlike Liquid Room... Sigh~! But what about the younger girls I know? Doubt they'll be allowed in... Well, I'll just see what else comes along... I dunno what to do to mark my coming of age... Haha~! Sounding so old...