On the verge of breakdown 2...

this entry may not sound nice... cos i need an outlet for ranting... before i do really have a breakdown and go berserk...

being in final year of studies can probably be listed as one of my most stressful moments... the amount of assessments, projects and essays are numerous... and it seems as if they are never-ending too...

rehearsals is another factor that is edging me towards insanity... i so do not know what my director wants out of me... seems like basing everything on my actor's instincts is totally contrary of what she wants... yet, she is not communicating her ideas clearly to me... i might run the risk of sounding racist here... but i do believe that the western mindset and the eastern mindset are on two ends of the spectrum... being asian, and chinese, i have the perception of my character, who happens to be a peranakan - therefore asian, based on the people i've encountered with... but being ang moh, my director sees from another perspective... and some how our thoughts about this character are probably liken that of 2 parallel lines that are going in opposite directions... they would never meet... because of this, i am not understanding what she wants from me... so i am stressed...

i enjoy my work with the inmates of Changi... but i am getting irritated and pushed to the edge of my tolerance by my lecturer... supposed that with the title of lecturer, being married and 30 plus... she might have been matured and stable right?? OMG, this was such a misconception on my part! she is the most irritating, childish, annoying, immature adult i have ever come across... gosh... my classmates are always telling me to ignore her provocation... so that's what i do... and that incurs her wrath... thank God that i will only be seeing her for another 2 weeks and it's adieu... she has such a bad name in the intricately, tight-knitted theatre community in Singapore, that i am ashamed to be considered her student... she simply SUX! and pushing the blame onto me for something that she should have done, which i volunteered to do... i was so completely busy through the week that it slipped my mind, and to get her bitchy attitude for it... argh... i apologised for my mistake and in return, she put her hand to my face, giving me the talk-to-my-hand attitude... well... whatever... i dun care... i took up personal responsibility to admit to my mistake and to receive such a response... aiya... she SUX... she can go rot and stink up her own corner... but don't come pollute and tarnish my name... i have the tag of being hardworking and trustworthy in all my other lecturers' eyes... so she can just scoot off and cry somewhere...

i should be unaffected by such stuff... take things in its stride... slow down and smell the flowers... but i am simply too stressed to do so... i am rather high-strung now... i simply need to better manage my emotions i suppose... but it seems that swallowing the unpleasant things that i am dealt with has a limit too... i guess i just gotta learn to let go and know that it's okay to get upset and scream... but for now... i shall sleep my troubles away...

God into Your hands I commit again... All I am is Yours... So hear me Lord when I cry out in pain... Save me Lord from myself... don't let me beat myself up with my self reprocrating attitude... I claim Your healing in the areas of hurt in my life right now O Lord... Thank You... I know You understand too Lord Jesus... Forgive me for my anger, for my madness... Having ranted it out, it's a sorta letting go... Well, I should just go...

one of the boys?

haha... was reading this monologue, as i prepare for my audition prep tomorrow morning... somehow, it spoke to me... well... not totally, but it sorta set me thinking...

well... some of the stuff that have been in my mind the past few weeks were of me being too buddy-buddy with the boys... probably that's why i don't get the kinda attention a girl should get from guys huh? somehow i am not the kinda girl that guys would wanna protect... i can appear so strong and independent, people tend to think that i can fend for myself and need not be protected... haha... well, i think, guys are somewhat scared of me... how so huh? i think they don't see the possiblity of me needing protection... so they need not take care of me... and the fact that i am so freakin' loud, it is somehow, overpower them??? i seriously dunno what's wrong... people just don't see me as someone that needs protection... it's like i always hear from guy friends that so-and-so looks like she needs someone to protect... i guess guys just like girls who just fits into the typical quiet sweet demure girl that looks like she could play every part the damsel in distress... well i guess i simply don't fit the bill huh?

the myriad sides of me has yet to be seen... someday, somewhere, someone would see pass the strong persona and see me the way my Creator see me... the beautiful Princess - the daughter of the King of kings... the child of God... and that's all that he needs to see to love me the way my Lord does... =)

okie... i am needy now!

i'm sick... and in need of a little pampering right now... the flu bug is going around in school and it has caught up with me... now i am sick, with sore throat, cold, cough, watery eyes, runny nose, aching body and a swollen face... and for some funny reasons, my nails keep breaking... is it because my immune system is low, or do i have some mysterious virus in me that i don't know about...

i am probably thinking too much... with the upgrading construction going around in my neighbourhood... and them drilling the floor of my corridor up, exposing the sand and dirt beneath it... it is not helping me with my healing process... in fact, i think the dust and dirt that is flying around in the air is making me swell in my face, and making my nose even more blocked...

adding to my illness... i've got bruises all over my legs... and i think i sprained my ankle... there is a throbbing dull pain that seems to becoming short sharp pain from time to time... i love dance classes... but the bruises i get... it's painful... it's like ballet classes all over again... bruises... pain... but at least no in grown toe nails all over again because of pointe... and no bleeding toes too... so it's not all that bad.... =)

manage to do my right split... been a long time since i could spilt... but gotta work on my left split cos that's what is needed for my corner-to-corner assessment piece... dance class is rather easy for me cos i've done most of it before... but having lost touch with dance for nearly five years, the body need to start catching up and re-programme all over again...

the body needs time to re-adjust... and i guess sleeping earlier is a good start... so i shall stop complaining and go to sleep... let my body heal... and maybe in the morning, i will be perfectly fine! =)

thanksgivings n tots...

It's been a while since I've last blog... Somehow, the weeks seem so long!

Okay... A few thanksgiving!!!!

1st of all... i must thank God for the successful run of The One-Sided Wall... the whole run has been an emotional journey... and i must say, i've yet to really come out of Theresa completely... part of me still wants to hold on to this character... it is a little hard to let go... but i gotta... gotta let go and play mother and marcie for my next performance - Pan-Island Expressway by local playwright Chong Tze-Chien... a rather political piece... but it is making me think of the political climate of Singapore... why does it appear that the youths of today do not want to have any part of it... are we de-politicalised? are we simply indifferent to it or do we just not care? made me think about this a lot the past few days...

next... i finally went to do the house-visit at my member's home... her mum's down with cancer... but i claim in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ that His blood has healed... He is Jehovah Rapha and i know He has healed my member's mum, just that through this period He is teaching the family something... so once they have learned the thing that God wants to teach them and draw the family back to Him, healing will come to aunty... and that her two daughters will learn to love the Lord...

also... i wanna thank God that my girls are growing... quite happy to see them apply the word in their lives... it encorages me that they are growing... (or am i just being delusional?) but i choose to believe that my "daughters" are growing in their walk with our God... but am glad that they are coming regularly and paying attention to God's word during the cell... though they do make my heart break from time to time... it's moments like these that i find it all worthwhile...

Thank God for the study kakis... study sessions are on regularly now... makes me really mug for my theoretical subjects.... these study sessions have allowed me to spend time with my dear friends like Des n Von... feel like i've neglected them for a while... been to caught up with the things and events around me... and have not been able to tae time out and see the things i've neglected... the study sessions have allowed me to spend time being around them and we can catch up when we need a break from the readings... Also, the study sessions have seem to pull the subzone slightly closer... somehow, people who do not normally hang out with us are... the younger ladies in the family  are coming to study... and crapping together with us "older people"... haha... a real good feeling...

wanna thank God for the friendships that have been built with my classmates... at least now i don't feel that alone in school... guess being in LASALLE is really different... compared to the uni folks who do not have a specific "class", i do... i guess there are its pros and cons... having a class gives you that sense of belonging... yet, there would definitely be people whom you wish they weren't there... without a class, there is probably less politics... i dunno... but having spent 2 years in LASALLE without having that kind of friendship and feeling rather alone... this academic year has been rather interesting... Thank God for this!!!

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last night on the bus, von asked me a question... it set me thinking for most of the remaining of the night...

yes i do feel liberated! i think i probably am finally able to let go and let God in this area of my life le... not mulling over it... not worrying about it... and not thinking too much into everything... the bigger challenge is probably ahead... but for now i think i have let it go... finally see that there is no point in thinking too much over it anyway... nothing much i could do... so i just gotta let God do His thing... work His miracles... haha...

and yes... been thinking about what Mel said the other day on the bus... (i have a lot of meaningful conversations on buses... probably that's why i love taking the bus!) and yeah... i need to reassess my behaviour... haha... need to retain that mystery... i've been too much like an open-book... people can just read me like a book and sorta think they know the ending after the first few pages... was thinking about it and yeah, realise that by doing so i get mis-judged in the earlier stages of a friendship... and this image may not be altered after they know me better... cos the label is there already... i guess, i simply have to let myself not appear so strong all the time... i have to just be a little dependent on others more... to let them feel that i need them too... or else i'll end up the independent woman, who has to carry the weight of the world on her shoulder alone with God, without the support of the family of God around me... cos i don't appear to need it... so yeah... i guess, i do need to really let go of the strong persona i have... and be a little needy... heehee...