But the irony of things is that my job title states "freelancer" - I commit to things that require short-term commitments. And I am rather good at that. I guess that might just label me as a commitment phobic. As I have not committed myself into a full-time desk-bounding job. I do not really commit long-term I guess. But seriously, I am committed to being a freelance theatre practitioner. I am committed to the arts, to the students I teach. Can that label me a commitment phobic?
I do like to believe that I have been rather committed to God, what some people might call the intangible. I am committed in my walk with God, although there are highs and lows. I mean after all, I have been a Christian since I was 13. I've was baptised when I was 19. I've been in the church I am in since 2002. I have been rather stedfast to this relationship I have with God.
I guess in a sense I would be label a "commitment phobic" because it would have seem that I have never been in a relationship. (Let's not talk about those silly things in secondary school...) I am talking about the kind of relationship where marriage is probably what both are working towards. It might not be the end goal for both in that relationship, but it is something both are working towards. That's the kind of relationship I am talking about. I want that. I want to commit to someone for better for worst, till death do us part. But sometimes I do wonder... Am I afraid to commit???
I do yearn to be love and to love. I do yearn to have some one to walk the rest of my life with, to cherish and to hold. But I just can't seem to overcome my personal barrier. I do fear. I do not fear so much of the commitment. But I fear the what ifs.... What if things don't work out? We won't be friends anymore. What if this... What if that... These are the questions I keep asking myself. I guess it is just the comfort zone that I am in. I simply don't want to lose the friendship. I guess this simply stem from the fact that I can be a control freak at times. And this "what if" is simply too out of my control and I am unable to throw caution in the wind.
Sometimes I wonder. If I had simply gone with the flow and not pay so much attention to the what ifs in life. Would my life be any more different? (I guess not.)
Am I a commitment phobic? Erm, I don't know.
Do I fear the unknown? Yes I do, but who doesn't.
I want to embrace the unknown. I want to step out of my comfort zone. I am someone who embraces life and I want to embrace every aspect of my life. I am willing to commit. As long as God is in the picture. I don't want to be sucked into this commercial and oversold kind of love. I am an idealist. I want the kind of love God has planned.
So am I still a commitment phobic? Not as much as some others I guess.
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