Of late, my walk with God has not been good. I have found thousand and one ways to still be able to do the things that makes me appear an obedient servant, but looks can be deceiving. For quite some time already, my walk with God has taken a somewhat downward spiral. I have had been deluding myself, busying myself and finding all sorts of reason to not spend time with my Abba Father.
The idea that Christians lead an easier, better life is a half truth. Indeed, we do lead better life. A life that is more rewarding, a life that is purposeful. However, many do not understand the need for us to come to the cross daily. The need to lay down all our rights and surrender our all to God. The need to listen for His voice and be obedient to His commands. All these requires us to step out of our comfort zone and make sacrifices.
I have for the longest time, know all of this. I have taken those extra step of faith and obeyed Him. I have always known that following Christ is not always easy and that it would cost me something. Something dear to me, something I would hold on to for security. I know the things to do to be the obedient Christian. And I think I have become somewhat a Pharisee.
I have forgotten my first love. I have forgotten why I even serve. I have been so selfish and self-centered. I have sinned against my Lord, enthroned myself and dethroned my King.
However, as much as I have been running away from my Father. He has always been there waiting for me to come back home. He is there with His outstretched arms, welcoming me back with a warm hug and cloaking me with His righteousness. His graciousness and faithfulness to me make me wonder how did I loss my focus on Him and wandered off.
Today's quiet time message on Our Journey talks about how following Him is not always comfortable. How Jesus didn't call us to a happy, comfortable existence. It reminded me about my own selfishness. How I have been caught up with my own agenda and have missed out completely God's agenda.
I thank God that He is God Almighty. If my God is anything but Almighty, He wouldn't have had been as patient and as faithful to me. I thank God that He hasn't gave up on me when I get my priorities wrong. Though my God is such a wonderful patient God, He can get so jealous when our we dethrone Him and enthrone something else in our lives. That's why as a loving Father, He disciplines us when we sin and He will prune us to help us be more like Him.
The past few weeks, I have been hearing voices. These voices weren't from God. I thank God that I was still able to discern between His voice and T.E.O's. I have been far from God and haven't been tuning my spiritual F.M. to His voice for a long long time. But still, He allows me to be able to still discern and know that those voices weren't from Him. Those lies and deceitful thoughts, were from T.E.O.
My gracious Father, allows all these things to happen to make me stronger for Him. Our calling is to suffer. To be broken and contrite before Him, so that people will see Him in us. I need to learn to cherish the pain that comes from both the discipline and the pruning. The pain from discipline will stop once I stop sinning. The pain from pruning is when God is done, so I have to learn to cherish the pain even more. If my Lord, doesn't love me... He wouldn't even bother to prune me. So I thank God for the pruning. It allows me to engage in His destiny for me.
I guess, all these while, I have been deceiving myself into believing that I have changed and died to my old self. However, there is still much pride in me that has yet been relinquished. I still want to be the centre of attention and am still very very self-centered. I have been living a life that would fulfil my own selfish ambitions and neglected the ministry that God has placed under my charge. During these few months of running away from God, of finding every excuse to do the minimal for Him, I have reverted back to my former self. I have gone back to a life of not taking personal responsiblities selectively, pushing the blame to my circumstance or others. I have lost the compassion for His children, I have not been loving God, as I have not been feeding His lambs. I have been so caught up with the doing of things that I have forgotten the heart behind the work.
It is only because God is gracious, that He reminded me through a number of people around me to listen to His voice again. To hear Him saying to me that it is not about what I can or cannot do. It is about what He wants to do through me. It is about Him loving me for who He has created me to be. His love for me is unconditional. He has not called me His child because of what I do, but He calls me His child because He chose to. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Chirst Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2: 8-9) God's intention finally is for us to know Him - to know Him as God Almighty.
I have chosen to follow Jesus, because I have been allowed this choice. I will therefore also choose to obey and be committed to Him. I want to be fully committed to God, not to be selfish but to pay whatever price that is required so that I will follow Him wholeheartedly. Commitment to Jesus requires that we pay the price. And the price today and everyday is to daily pick up the cross and die to myself.
I want to be like Peter, to respond to Jesus in the same manner as he did in John 6:68-69. To stay committed to Jesus. To pay the price, a price that is incremental as time goes on. I want to be broken and contrite so that as Jesus can take me to deeper levels of commitment, I will not turn away because it is painful paying the price, but I will be willing to relinquish my rights to it. To simplu take the step up to the next level, to do the hard but right thing out of obedience to Him and trust Jesus.
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