warrior chick...

that's what i wanna be... a warrior... not just a mere soldier in the army of God... but a warrior... one who knows her place and her role... one who drinks water alert and aware of the surroundings... one who will not accept defeat... who would pick herself up when things crumble down... one who knows that in all circumstances, good or bad, GOD IS IN CONTROL... i wanna be that kinda woman... a princess... haha... a warrior princess... even named myself dancewarrior for the chingay forum... i will dance... i will sing... i will praise Him... even when i don't think i can garner the strength... in my weakness, He is strong... =D 

setting criteria...

last night at leaders' retreat, some of us stayed up till 3.30 a.m. chit-chatting about the criteria we would like God to have placed in the One... ha ha... like what Von said... Godly guys who can spur us on in our walks with God (and vice-versa) is sorta liken a pre-requisite already...  so what are my deal-breakers then? not long ago I just listed the three... but I guess with certain real-life examples shared before us last night and today, I needed to review those 3 and maybe add 2 more... ha ha...

well... simply put...

1. Accepts me for who I am and not change me to what he wants me to be... but of course if there are terrible character traits in me that needs to be change I'll change...
   
2. Understand my passion for the Arts... (Appreciate the Arts even better!)
3. Loves children... (I didn't think of it as a criteria before, cause I would assume Godly men would love children right? but I think I'd better list it down...)
4. I am comfortable around him... Must be able to CONNECT...
5. Superficial aspect... but nonetheless quite essential... Must be taller than me! (I like to wear heels... Though lately I haven't been wearing them much... But I don't wanna look "bigger" than the guy I am going out with...)

I used to have 42 criteria... but as we grow older, and as we mature, we go beyond most of the superficial aspects... Elle was saying the connect part very important... No connection then bye-bye already... Which I agreed, thus the revision... But I guess the connection part, I have to at least know the person for a while to fully understand if it is simply different frequency... Or was the person reserved and takes a while to warm up...

Nonetheless, I am definitely waiting for God's best... =D in the meantime... I have to try to be God's best for him too... and not settle for second best...

sets me thinking...

went to a school to teach recently, the first class i taught was rather enthusiastic... they were a joy to teach... we had fun and the students learnt well... the second class that i taught sets me thinking... how can youths give up on themselves at such a tender age! what has life served them to cause them to abandon themselves and have them put up such a resistant wall? never in my 2 years plus of teaching have i encountered such a class... from the moment i entered, to the moment i left, the students were indifferent and disruptive... they seem to have been served the worst dose of life... i myself have gone through shit and stuff, but i had never given up hope... what is wrong with the current generation of youths? i had been a youth worker since i myself was in my late teens... never ever had i encountered such youths... or should i say, never had i encountered a whole class of youths who have given up on themselves... i was shocked... it made me question if i was incompetent... thank God that i had a very understanding boss... he reassured me that i wasn't the problem... 1 out of 10 class that responded this way just says that i am doing alright... but still... i can't help but think... what is wrong with the current generation? suicidal tendency has risen amongst the teens of today... there are more "emo" cases around... body mutilation is occurring more amongst the youths of today... have we regressed as a society? everything else seems to have been progressing... is it the influences of the media that has caused such regression? i wonder...

sick...

think i've overexerted myself and now i'm sick...

had the usual dance practice on thursday...

then on friday had chingay dance audition...

on saturday played wii till my arms ache...

sunday got caught in the rain and then accompanied the younger ones to audition for chingay & led warm ups for the whole group...

monday i still went for hip-hop class...

now i am sick... argh!

still have to teach class tomorrow!

commitment phobics?

Are modern day women commitment phobics? I am a modern day woman. I am committed to the causes I believe in. I go to church every Sunday. I commit myself to things I enjoy. Some times I think I am over committing myself into things. I don't think I am a commitment phobic.

But the irony of things is that my job title states "freelancer" - I commit to things that require short-term commitments. And I am rather good at that. I guess that might just label me as a commitment phobic. As I have not committed myself into a full-time desk-bounding job. I do not really commit long-term I guess. But seriously, I am committed to being a freelance theatre practitioner. I am committed to the arts, to the students I teach. Can that label me a commitment phobic? 

I do like to believe that I have been rather committed to God, what some people might call the intangible. I am committed in my walk with God, although there are highs and lows. I mean after all, I have been a Christian since I was 13. I've was baptised when I was 19. I've been in the church I am in since 2002. I have been rather stedfast to this relationship I have with God.

I guess in a sense I would be label a "commitment phobic" because it would have seem that I have never been in a relationship. (Let's not talk about those silly things in secondary school...) I am talking about the kind of relationship where marriage is probably what both are working towards. It might not be the end goal for both in that relationship, but it is something both are working towards. That's the kind of relationship I am talking about. I want that. I want to commit to someone for better for worst, till death do us part. But sometimes I do wonder... Am I afraid to commit???

I do yearn to be love and to love. I do yearn to have some one to walk the rest of my life with, to cherish and to hold. But I just can't seem to overcome my personal barrier. I do fear. I do not fear so much of the commitment. But I fear the what ifs.... What if things don't work out? We won't be friends anymore. What if this... What if that... These are the questions I keep asking myself. I guess it is just the comfort zone that I am in. I simply don't want to lose the friendship. I guess this simply stem from the fact that I can be a control freak at times. And this "what if" is simply too out of my control and I am unable to throw caution in the wind.

Sometimes I wonder. If I had simply gone with the flow and not pay so much attention to the what ifs in life. Would my life be any more different? (I guess not.)

Am I a commitment phobic? Erm, I don't know. 

Do I fear the unknown? Yes I do, but who doesn't.

I want to embrace the unknown. I want to step out of my comfort zone. I am someone who embraces life and I want to embrace every aspect of my life. I am willing to commit. As long as God is in the picture. I don't want to be sucked into this commercial and oversold kind of love. I am an idealist. I want the kind of love God has planned.

So am I still a commitment phobic? Not as much as some others I guess.

courtship 101...

yesterday at cell, those of us who attended the courtship seminar summarised the sessions for the benefit of those who were unable to make it... at this point of time, i don't think any of the singles among us would be starting to go into courtship within the immediate... haha... (laugh at myself)

well... like i've learnt from the lesson... we need to establish capacity for casual friendships... so i have tasked myself to be the casual friends making ambassador... i shall encourage casual dinners after service with guys whom we can all make casual friends with... NO STRINGS ATTACHED... =D i'd like to get married someday... so if i don't start making MORE casual friends... i think... very hard la... haha... since i wanna get married... i shall initiate the casual outings... not just to benefit myself... but EVERYONE! (sounds like a good plan to me) haha...

i went to dig out the old post... the one with the 42 criteria... and was laughing at my own silliness... haha... now i know why Mel asked us to keep it to 3 deal breakers... haha... as for me... now... the One... just have to be.. 

1. a Godly passionate man who can spur me to love God even more...
   
2. a person who will accept me for who i am, but still challenge me to change for the better...
3. someone who can make me laugh and feel comfortable to be around...

no longer asking for the 42 criteria guy (that was so unrealistic)... haha... just the guy God has planned for me... =)

so i didn't major wrongly... haha...

You Scored as Visual&PerformingArts You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in the Visual or Performing Arts (e.g., Art, Art Education, Art History, Ceramics, Culinary Arts, Dance, Drawing, Fashion Design, Film, Graphic Design, Interior Design, Marketing (advertising), Music, Music Education, Music Theory, Painting, Photography, Theatre). It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it. Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Visual&PerformingArts 81% English/Journalism/Comm 81% Education/Counseling 75% HR/BusinessManagement 69% French/Spanish/OtherLanguage 69% History/Anthropology/LiberalArts 69% Religion/Theology 63% Psychology/Sociology 56% Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health 44% Accounting/Finance/Marketing 38% PoliticalScience/Philosophy 38% Biology/Chemistry/Geology 19% Physics/Engineering/Computer 0% Mathematics/Statistics 0%

got back my mac!!!!

for a while... i had been mac-less (if there is such a term)... my iBook which has been faithfully working well "died"... and i thought i had lost it for good... in my panic i sent it to "apple hospital" which "warded" it for a couple of days... i received a phone call from the repair people to tell me that there is NOTHING wrong with my iBook... it is working normally... and they were wondering why i sent it in for diagnosis... well... i ain't complaining that it is working NORMALLY now... since it is back with me... all i can say is that my God is a wonderful Father who knows exactly what i need... i believe He was the one who "revived" the laptop even before the technicians laid hands on it... nonetheless, kudos to the mac people... they did a wonderful job... the lady at the apple care centre was so patient... the guys who did the checks were great... making sure that the laptop doesn't conk out again... i am just G-L-A-D!!!

test... test... samsung NV24HD camera...

I was asked to test out the NV24HD Samsung camera... Been playing with it for a few days already... One thing that irritated me initially, was the fact that there were so many buttons on the side of the HUGE LCD screen but NO instructions or guiding words next to them! So when I first got the camera, I was really confused as to how to operate the camera... I don't normally read the instruction manual you see... So actually it's sorta my fault that I got irritated... *grin* 

Well... I am actually quite gadget savvy... Normally, I would just dive straight into trying to figure out the gadgets on my own... That's how I figured out all the gadgets I have from my iBook to my Omnia... so I figured that I need not bother about the manual... I did not succumb to reading the manual, as after the initial confusion for the first 3 minutes, I sorta got it figured out... It's pretty easy to use actually... *grin*

I love the fact that in manual mode, this camera works almost like a DSLR camera! (for those who don't understand techie terms... DSLR = digital single lens reflex...) You know those big bulky cameras... I love working with DSLR cameras, as they allow me to take really fantastic pictures... So the fact that a slim sleek lightweight camera like the NV24HD can do similar stuff was a WOW factor...

So far, I have been playing with the classic mode... which took the photos in black and white... I like those kind of photos when I am trying to be "artistic" haha... But the photo quality is quite good... Words are just words... Look at the photos and judge for yourselves...

this was taken while i waited for my students to come for class...

this was taken when i was travelling to dance lesson... the car was moving... but the photo turned out rather well...

another photo taken on the journey to dance class... (i was bored!)

this image is rather grainy cause I zoomed in all the way into the 10.2 megapixels... then took the photo when the car was moving rather fast... i think i set the ISO too low also... that's why it turned out like this...

So much for now... Gonna try the camera out tomorrow... SATURDAY! Yeah!

I'm back blogging for now...

I know I know... My blogs are few and far...
But seriously... Where would I find time to blog when I am this busy... Haha...
Anyways... Thought I shared some photographs that I took as I admire God's wonderful creation... The sky!

A Psalm a Day...

Have been faithfully doing my daily psalm reading... It is amazing how God's word reiterates itself... I mean, I read my psalm first before going to the little devotional booklet that Pastor Debra prepared for us... Without fail for the past 10 days, I find that the verse that I highlight in my bible, the verse that speaks to me most, is the verse that Pastor Debra seems to highlight in the booklet... It's like God saying... "Focus on this verse... focus!" Haha... The words have been speaking to me daily and it is amazing... Seriously, starting the day with a verse to meditate upon encourages you throughout the day... Amazing...

Through the past 10 days, the Lord has been rather specific... Although there are times I fail to understand the verses, the majority of the time I have been blessed...
1 Jan we started with Psalm 1 and so aptly is this Psalm written... Verse 2 says But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night... It is as if the Lord is saying, meditate on the verse that I give to you daily and you will find delight... Looking back... In these past 10 days, I have indeed found delight in the word of the Lord...
On the second day of the new year, the Lord reminded me to walk the Sabbath year with this verse... Psalm 2:11 Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling... I think, having been in the ministry for awhile, I have forgotten from time to time to do so... Such a reminder... And the ending of the Psalm is such a promise... Blessed are all who take refuge in him... My 2007, though a year of victories, did not really end without worries... I think as I stepped into 2008, I did bring those baggages to this new year... Was actually feeling overwhelm on that day by the situations around me... But God reminded me that I will be blessed when I take refuge in him...
As the days went by, the Lord reminded me of the things He had promised... When reading Psalm 3:3-4 I was reminded that God will protect me, and return to me what I had lost, that He WILL answer my cries... Those words reassured me that my prayers have not gone unheard by the Lord... Psalm 4:3 reiterated the words on 3 Jan... Psalm 5:12 promised me that He will surround me with His favour... I believe when I have God's favour, I will also find favour with the men and women of peace on earth... Psalm 6:9 reminded me again that He accepts my prayers and He hears... I guess, up till the week's end, I was still wondering if God has heard my prayers and cries... Psalm 7:17 reminded me to give thanks to the Lord in all circumstances... Even if the circumstances are not in my favour... Psalm 8:4 reminded me that I am a Friend of God and He is thinking of me... =) I know that the Lord will not forsake me because of what is said in Psalm 9:10... Although the Psalm today did not have a specific verse that jumped out at me, I focused on the last 2 verses... Psalm 10:17-18... I guess, I need to meditate on the verses that tells me that the Lord hears my cries because I tend to forget... After 10 days of meditating and reminders that He hears me, I cannot say that I haven't been told... Haha...

Also at Leaders' Meeting last night, Pastor Julie's words really spoke to my heart... In this year of Sabbath, I need to take time to remember... I need to remember God's faithfulness... I need to remember that all of have is God's... I need to remember to give God the glory... I had forgotten at times to credit God... I had forgotten at times that what I have is God's... But those things that I had forgotten are history... God has given me a clean slate every morning and all I have to do daily is to remember... =)
The second point was to hear and obey... As much as I have been reminded that God hears my cries, I also need to hear God... If I do not hear God, no matter how much He hears me, nothing can or will be done... In 2007, I confess that I have not been fully obedient to the Lord... I know that partial obedience is sin, because it is not obedience, it is disobedience... I had not shown God I love Him... But this year, I will make an effort to love... I will make an effort to be obedient to His voice...
Pastor Julie also mentioned that the third thing is to Fear the Lord... For the fear of God is the path of intimacy... To fear God is to see the demands of God and obey them... I had fear the demands more than God and fled from it too many a times... This year, I want to make good my promises to God and face up to those demands... I know that I might fail, but I also know that as long as I put my heart to it... I can do it... =)

At the end of the day, it is not how much that I have done or not done that the Lord loves me... But because I am who I am that He loves me... Because He loves me despite all my flaws, I will work towards pleasing Him through obedience... =)

Thanks a million...

Christmas is a time I am grateful for many things... It is because of Christmas, that I am alive and well... It is because of the birth of Christ (not Santa Claus) that I am assured of eternity... It is usually around this time that I reflect and look at all the things that the Lord has blessed me with throughout the year... I am so grateful of the life I have today... I am thankful for the wonderful friends that I have, both the old chummies and the new bonds made... I am thankful for the family I have, my biological family (though we don't see eye to eye on things, we still work things out eventually) and my spiritual family (sisters who see me through my low and high points in life)... I just want to thank all of you, especially God, for seeing my through one of the most trying year I've been in... But thanks be to God that I know by 2359hrs on 31Dec2007 I will have had seen many victories in my life... And I am able to enter 2008 knowing full well that God has gone before me... Thanks for a wonderful 2007...

Inspired & Motivated...

A few weeks back Melissa showed us this video about this guy called Nick Vujicic...
He is a man born without limbs... This is another video I found on the web about him...



Often we grumble about our lives... Why is it not going the way I want it... Why is life so unfair... But until we look around and take a rain check... We often miss the blessings we have already received...

Nick is an inspiration... Looking at him, I am ashamed of the times when I have been disgruntled with my life... When I questioned God with "What is the meaning of this?" "Why me?" "Why this?" There were moments in my life when I almost gave up... Almost told God, "God I don't want this life, I don't want my life with You... It's too tough..." Thank God He never ever let me throw in the towel... My God knows me too well, He knows how much I can or cannot take... And He knows too well... He is simply breaking me down so that I can do even greater things, bear heavier blows... So that I can become stronger, become more reliant on Him and Him alone... Nick's life is the epitome of all our struggles... Looking at him, I find no reason why I cannot bear my own stretch tests... God knows how much we can be stretch, how much we can be broken... Only when we are broken, will we truly understand the magnitude of His grace... Psalm 51:17 says - The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (NIV)



Senior Pastor Khong's message on Sunday also reminded me of the need to just simply trust that God is in control... S.P. so aptly puts it "life is not just tough, it is also confusing..." Admittedly, life is tough and there are many many times when I have been confused... Job hunting the past few months haven't been easy on me... Many times I thought "This seems like what God wants me to do..." only to have the door closed on me with no apparent reason... Each time, I just pick up from my disappointment and just move on... Some takes a longer time to recover from, others are easily let go... But each time it is because, I know my God has a higher calling for me... For He has promised in Jeremiah 29:11 - ...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."

After months of unsuccessful job hunting, I gave up... I committed myself to God and asked Him to light my path... Melissa, my spiritual mother, has been with me each step of the way... And I thank God for her... The G12's prayers brought God's peace into my heart, as well as the God of Peace into my plans... I know that my God has far higher plans for me... (Though frankly speaking, there are times when I doubted...)

I believe that each time, God just simply closed the door because it is not where He wants me to be, although I want it quite a bit... With each interview, the Lord restored my confidence... He showed me that the problem doesn't lie with me, and He rebuilt me... Every interview my potential employers seemed impressed with what I could bring to the job... Each interview, I left the place confident... However, due to the fact that I don't want to compromise my service to the Lord because of my job, I have always asked God to show me the right job... There was this one interview that I really want to ace... It was this interview with the National Arts Council... However, at bacteria attack landed me in hospital with severe food poisoning that resulted in me having to be warded for observation overnight... So I was unable to make the interview... Taking a step back and looking at it now, I am beginning to see why my life took such a course... All theses simply steered me into the direction of going into my family business...

Some people have comment that I am fortunate to have a family business to go into... I can't deny that I am blessed to not have to worry about not having a job at any given time... Should I fail in my job search, I always have a job waiting for me back "home"... However, I had my fears... My family have been in this line for as long as I can remember... (which means it has been at least 20 years...) We started off small, expanded and then failed due to bad investments... That resulted in my dad becoming a bankrupt... They picked themselves up and restarted the business... A few turns later we were running a cafeteria and subsequently closed that to open a restaurant... Then SARS striked and business slumped... And they had to rebuild everything up all over again... Now that they have managed to rebuild everything up, they want to expand... I fear that history would repeat itself... That was why I wanted to take things into my own hands without asking God what He wanted to do with my life... I wanted to find a stable job, just in case things crumble at the home front again... My lack of faith resulted in my overworked parents warring with each other again... Thus, I have decided that my dreams and ideals can be put on hold... I need to unite my family so that the business won't go bust again... They have built a good name for themselves over the years, tending that one stall... Now that they have three, the stress is tripled, thus they are starting to fight again... One thing I know though... Going into the family doesn't mean that my parents won't quarrel with each other... In fact, I believe there will be more disagreement with everyone in the picture... But I know that wherever I go, the blessing will follow... And I know that I am blessed, because I am His beloved... Since the God of Peace is with me, He will bring about peace in the household... But I need to obey His voice and do His biding...

I am going to sit my parents down and speak to them tomorrow... May the Lord grant me wisdom, discernment and favour... May He go before me... For unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labour in vain... I trust that my Lord will go before me... This is the year of victory, and I believe that I will end the year strong...

in need of wisdom...

after sunday's sermon, i've done some thinking... indeed a single locust is easily crush, but an army of locusts is a plague... pastor talked about unity and teamwork in the family (biological & spiritual)... and i guess, the only obedient thing for me to do now is to go into the family business... help out my parents, who've slogged much of their lives for my brothers and i... it's not just a duty to help out in the business, it's an act of obedience...

i thank God for the counsel that He has provided in this decision... some that i've spoken with regarding this decision supports my choice of obedience... there are others who are asking me to think twice... weighing my options, i guess the former group provides sound counsel... (also because i know the people in the former group longer and trust them better...)

weighing out the pros and cons, i think i see more pros than cons... i know that i would be a blessing to wherever i choose to go and work at... so seriously speaking, why not bring these blessings to the people i love and care for the most... (selfish, but true...) besides, after the couple of job interviews i've went for, none has brought about news of employment... and since i have a perpetual position opened for me, why am i forgoing it... how silly and blinded can i be?

besides, this might be the turning point for my family's salvation... and also a place where i can definitely have a say and an influence over the decision making... i would also enjoy flexibility in my schedule... it would just solve a whole lot of problems...

for now, i shall sit on it for a little while longer... will make my decision soon... may the Lord's wisdom and guidance be upon me...

(-_-'|)

was reading a friend's blog and saw the amount of stress he has placed on himself that resulted in the decision he had made... it made me ponder for a second... it took courage to take a step back and re-think your life choices at any point of our lives... i am finding myself at this juncture of my life too... taking a step back and re-looking at how i want to live my life...

the arts is suppose to be fun... it is suppose to be something i love... but at this point of time, i wonder, if there is a place for me in the arts scene in singapore.... i am not doing anything in relation to it... and it is making me feel as if i am wasting the time and effort my mentors had placed on me through the years... i am not getting casted, i am not getting paid... i need to feed myself and maintain a healthy bank account... but, right now, right here, i am unemployed... i would love to find some work related to the arts industry in singapore, but i can't seem to find any... so i am turning to another industry where i know i will excel in... public relations/ events management... will have to wait and see how the job seeking goes...

the good thing though is, during this break... i am finding rest and spending time with some old friends of mine... it's been a good break... a much needed rest... am just wishing it would last a little bit longer... but hopefully it will end soon... bank balance is beginning to look a little anorexic... well, guess that has got to do with my rather bulimic spending lately... haha... it'll come back... it will... it will...

this is good...

dale, janice & i met up for dinner...
had dinner at Pho24, which served rather nice pho...
then we headed to 2am... this few months old dessert bar at holland v...
the desserts are scrumptious... i like...

nice chocolate tart. bittersweet molten chocolate. tart sorbet. delightful.

unique cheesecake. great mix of textures.

soft and creamy. just right.

down with food poisoning...

my food poisoning was so bad... i had to be hospitalised!
because of that, i missed an interview with the national arts council... really wanted to work at the council... sigh... pray hard that they'll give me a second chance, cause i really didn't expect it to happen this way...
was warded overnight for observation, so my G12 sisters came to visit... nuanyi even brought a mixed bowl from the florist i was helping out at while she was ill...
well... it's my 1st time being hospitalised... sort of enjoyed it in a perverse kind of way... haha...
i was bored so i took some photos...
this is the first time i was placed on a drip... and due to the fact that the first doctor though i ought to be discharged earlier that day before the senior doctor decided that i ought to be placed under observation, this was the second plug that they did on my other hand... apparently my blood vessels are so thin, the doctors needed to find the smaller plug to fit me... (if only my body was small size too... sigh)
this is the mixed bowl nuanyi brought from flower matters... and the daisy at the base is from gwen...
decided to give gwen's daisy it's own shot...

Rough terrain ahead...

The past few days have been tough... Really need time off to just think things a little... It hadn't been easy handling my own expectations and reality... Coming out from an interview with verbal agreements that I would start work on a project basis, while on probation... Only to receive an email the next day to be notified that I hadn't been offered the position... Its tough... The 24 hours after receiving the news were the hardest I think... Every time I got asked about it, when I think about it, I wouldn't be able to control my emotions and just breakdown... I didn't want to get out of the house, I just watched comedies and sleep...
Being forced out of the house on Wed to teach did me good though... Having shut myself out for one day, crying and dealing with my emotions... It diverted my thoughts away from the things that had caused me to be upset... Bought a pint of Hagen-Daz Melon ice-cream from the mart and ate 3 scoops of it... Finished the rest of the pint the next day... Guess comfort food does comfort me quite ok... Hmm... I'm feeling much better now... At least I'm not crying over the thoughts now.... But didn't join Val to lead cell cause I wasn't feeling up to it still... I still need the time-off to sort out my thoughts and feelings...
Got a call from Dale today... Needed to talk about FAW... What he told me shocked me quite a bit... Didn't realise things wasn't going very well during the past few months... Guess they all thought I was too busy to bother... But am disappointed at how somethings were handled... I still can't believe that that person did all that... It could have just ruined everything that everyone else was trying so much to rebuild... I know that they all thought that I was busy and didn't want to disturb me too much... However, the audacity of this person to not even inform me about the meetings is a little upsetting... I am after all still the secretary of FAW... Have been and would still be if not for this person... I'm sorry Martin for having been so busy, but how could it be that the person we've tasked with covering my duties have put you in such a position and yet you didn't call me for help? You silly boy... But I guess whatever that has been done is done and we can't reverse time to rectify it... We've all gotta learn from our mistakes and move on...
With my life, I've decided to move on... If this organisation doesn't require my services, I just have to move on and know that I'm just not suited for that position... God has better plans for me and His ways are definitely higher than my own... I just have to be patient and see where the Lord leads... When He closes one door, there's always another door to be open... Or at least He'll leave the windows open... I'm sure as confused and lost as I have been feeling the past few days, I will be able to find my way soon... His promise to me is that when I call to [Him], [He] will answer [me] and tell [me] great and unsearchable things [I] do not know... Jeremiah 33:3... My God will never lead me to a dead end... He will make a way, when there seems to be no way...

taken that step...

just sent in my resume to ms thio... it's a step i am taking to abide in His voice... haha...

have been working as a temp at HQ for 2 days now... it's been a breeze for me as it has just been simple administrative tasks... should i however turn full time, my portfolio would be one that takes care of the primary programme and either become webmaster or officers' development...

pray with me... do wish to work there if it is God's will... =)

at a crossroad...

have been pondering this issue for a while already...
although i was suppose to have had turn full time with this particular company, let's just term it X, i have not... which has placed me in a dilemma of whether to stay on with them or move on...
moving on is definitely an option... yet, there seems to be unfinished business and lots of loose ends to tie up on my side at X... i was suppose to compile this list of schools and its contacts... which i have yet to do... i should just settle it la... then, i have to complete teaching at a school till sept for 2 mornings... i don't really wanna move on, but i guess i have to at the end of the day... i mean, i was taken out of a project and not given any more tasks or projects... resulting in just one source of income that won't come in till october or november... will i can always look to that as savings... but, i am now surviving on what 2 other companies owe me about a total of $600 plus... plus my monthly tuition fee of about $200 plus... it is miserly... and my family's financial situation ain't helping... need to help my parents pay off stuff... i am not sure what to do... i was given an email addy with that company and the bosses said they were printing name cards for me... then after one rather bad project that i handled, which was not exactly my fault, i was practically yanked out of most projects at hand... somehow, i have a feeling that it is not coincidences... i have this strange feeling that it is simply the Lord telling me that He has better plans for me...
was down at GBHQ earlier today... was simply there to drop off some forms and collect some stuff... ended up talking about me working there either on a part-time basis or a full-time basis depending on my schedule... i am not sure if this is where the Lord is leading me... but while reading the 40-day fast devotions, the word spoke to me about the atmosphere... though it was speaking about the atmosphere in the church... i felt that the Lord was telling me that He wants me to have a new atmosphere at work... i have been under too much negative influences... i need to be refreshed and be found in a positive and godly atmosphere before my spirit man dies off... after all, our marketplace is our church and we are called to be marketplace ministers... yet, should i take up a position at HQ (where everyone is already a believer) i am not really sure where i become the marketplace minister... hmm... something to pray about... but apart from the word that spoke to me about a move... there are also other factors edging me on...

1. financial situation at home needs me to have a stable income...
   
2. they are looking for people to fill up places and i am qualified for it...
3. Christian working environment, would help me become more disciplined in my daily personal devotion time with God...
4. won't interfere with my serving at 46th...
5. i already know the programme, just need to revamp it a little...

however, there are also concerns...

1. might have events that would clash with certain church wide events
2. it's definitely a pay cut from what i earn as a freelancer...

the pros seem to outweigh the cons... hmm... well... still have to pray over this situation... need direction as to where to go... well... if this is what the Lord has planned for me... He will open the doors... and i will be offer the job at 2.2-2.4k before cpf... it might seem like a big request... but ultimately, i know the Lord won't shortchange me... He will provide for me definitely... i just have to trust and obey... =)