New Year. New Start. Restart.

It's been years since I had blogged. (Do people still read blogs?) Anyway, whether anyone reads these posts that I am posting, I made this decision to maintain this at the very least for 2016. It's a new year and a new beginning. I may be 7 days late, but it's never too late to do a restart. So caught up was I, with building my career and busy with the littlest things in life, I had stopped collecting my reflections and thoughts seriously. This year, I am determined not to let busyness overshadow what is important. This shall become a platform to simply allow myself to chart my journey and growth; if my journey inspires you, do let me know. Hopefully and prayerfully, may I be an inspiration to you who read my entries.

这一秒开始相信，幸福就会靠近...

有时候会想，我的幸福几时才会靠近...
看到朋友们双双对对的... 为他们高兴...
但偶尔也会感到一丝丝的羡慕...
会想，我还要等多久呢？
我的幸福会降临吗...

前几天和朋友闲聊...
她突然问到： "Have I missed the boat?"

有时会觉得如果我不那么执着与我的理想...
不那么stubborn... 也许，就也许吧，我的幸福早就到了...

但我相信我的天父，疼爱我的天父，不会让我的幸福流失的...

p/s: the picture is from this taiwanese artist i stumbled upon when i googled 幸福 for images... this is his blog http://wein0202.blogspot.com/

Proud to be a Singaporean

In all my 25 years as a Singaporean, I have never felt more for this little island I call home... Maybe it is the spectacular National Day Parade this year... Maybe it is the fact that I know at 8.22pm today, everyone who bothered, said the pledge together as a nation... Or maybe it is the fact that having reached a quarter of a decade old, I am learning to appreciate my home better... There were times when I did feel that we could have done better... However, it is not because of how terrible the governance of this nation is... Far from that... It is how ugly we Singaporeans can become when we are not on this tiny red dot we call home... I've seen my fare share of ugly Singaporean behaviors... Some times, I wished that those people do NOT hold on to the red passport and disgrace the nation... Because, I really want to be proud of my country...

I give thanks for the leadership of this nation... Without Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew, Singapore wouldn't be where we are today... Of course, there were the other forefathers of this government that fought alongside MM Lee... But no one can deny the fact that MM Lee is the impetus, the catalyst, the force behind it all... Sometimes I shudder at the thought of what would happen to this nation when the generations that grow up forget who and what MM Lee has done and sacrificed for this tiny country...

I thank God, for His sovereignty and grace upon this land... I thank God for the leaders He has placed to govern the nation... I thank God that the government has remained incorruptible and righteous... I thank God that He has seen us through many trials and tribulations and we have indeed SURVIVED... The cabinet of ministers may not believe in the same God as I do, but I just want to thank God for them!

Really appreciated the fantastic NDP2009... Really made me feel super patriotic with the videos of the motivational speeches by our prime ministers during their term... Well done!

seeing things God's way - Kingdom Value

it is easy or comfortable when changes abound. no one likes the uncertainty changes brings. however, the only constant thing in this world is CHANGE. we can never stop changing. to improve, to grow, we need to change and evolve with time. whatever don't kill us, makes us stronger. and i believe and always maintain the fact that i know that our God, the almighty, the omnipotent, all knowing One, will never stretch us beyond what we can take. i always like the analogy that we are like rubber bands, we need to be constantly stretched to achieve greater capacity.

the YouthNet is returning back to its roots of being the Youth Ministry. i thank God for this move. in fact, i somehow did wish that this move happened a little earlier. (it might have saved a few broken hearts) but, we must never live in regrets. so let's just look ahead! this returning back to the roots, the fundamentals of what the YouthNet had always set out to do is shaking the whole network up. and some might be uncomfortable with it. yet, i am thankful for this shaking and stirring. it really helps check our hearts!

looking at the way things are right now. i did question my relevance in all of this. i mean, i have the passion for the next generation. but the immediate next generation might not be the group that i can outreach to effectively. when i was listening to SP today during the meeting, the question of me being effective in the areas where i have been placed in came in. if you ask me if i have the passion for the next generation, i can safely say that i have a heart for them. but if you ask me if i can effectively consolidate them, i am not sure. when we were in the comfortable place where nothing was going to change, i could play the supporting role of helping the rest build their cells first. however, now as the question is posed. how effective am i as a youth ministry worker. i had my doubts. somehow, communicating with the teens poses a problem to me. and i guess because of that, i had been comfortable just helping maintain the administrative part of the platform i'm in. so when the stirring and shaking came, i did question how relevant am i to the youth work today.

i don't want to scramble to look for a platform to serve the youths just so that i can stay in the comfort of YouthNet. neither do i want to miss God's hand and move on too fast. i want to do what God wants me to do.

i am thankful for the way the YouthNet has brought up the next generation. i look around and am glad that the leaders i know have never once spared me from the discipline i needed. i am thankful that because they love, i have built a strong foundation in my walk with the Lord. i want to see the same thing inculcated in me to be nurtured in the next generation. so that when they grow up, they will be godly men and women.

i believe God is testing everyone of our hearts right now. i want to see longevity within the ministry i serve in, though there is never permanence, i believe that the Lord wants to use us to touch the lives of the youths we come into contact with. we serve, because the Lord called us and availed us to serve. when He moves the people out, it is not because of our incompetence, but simply because the season is up. and maybe my season with the youths is up. but i believe that the Lord has been preparing me for the next season of my life - the children. God hasn't developed my skill set in handling and managing children on a daily basis for nothing. i may grumble and moan about how difficult my students are, yet with the changes coming in place, i am beginning to see things with a different perspective. God is remolding me to become a new pot. a vessel He can use to impact the lives of the next, next generation. and with the new service, more volunteers are needed for barnabas club. not really sure if that's where God is calling me to be now. but will continue to pray about it. "Lord, here i am. Use me."

the challenges are laid out. can we see things God's way? can we be found good stewards of God who understands the importance of Kingdom Value.

accountability

really thank God for the people He has placed in my life... especially my leaders... recent events has made me even more thankful and grateful for their presence in my life...

thank God that He has placed them over me not to lord over me, but to guide me and keep me accountable for my words and actions...

some people don't see the importance of having leaders to keep us accountable... however, i beg to differ... having someone to account to reflects a lot on our character... if one is willing to account to someone in authority for his/her life, it shows that this person is not just a responsible person, but a humble one at that too... someone filled with pride would not like to account his/her life to someone else... accountability is part and parcel of life...

in our workplace, we account to our bosses... they are the ones who review us and keep us in check with out KPIs... even if we are our own boss, we are accountable to our clients... the things we promise to deliver, it is our responsibility to deliver them...

in school, we account to our teachers... they teach and guide us in our path to knowledge... they may not be the best teachers, but i believe that they do have our interest in their hearts... they do desire to see us graduate well and do well in life...

at home, we account to our parents/spouse/children... growing up, we live under our parents' roof... they protect and guide our ignorant steps... their ways may not necessarily be the best, but they have the best interests for us... we account to them as to when we will be back home, if we'd be home for dinner, who we're with... just to show them that we are growing up to be responsible people... when one is married, he/she is accountable to their spouse... need i say anymore on this point? you choose to be united as one and so to move as one, you ought to know what the other party is thinking right? otherwise, how can it be considered a marriage? and when you have children, you are accountable to them to just as we as children are accountable to our parents... we need to provide a sense of stability and security for our children so that they can grow up to learn to trust and be responsible young people too...

i hope that i am definitely found to be someone who has learnt to be accountable to God through the people He has placed in my life...

Thank God for my leaders and bosses!

the wellspring of life

psalm 4:23

above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (niv)

keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts. (msg)

guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (nlt)

these words are so true. after all these years in my walk as a christian, i thank God that He has helped me preserve the thing that is most important - my heart. there are times when i've strayed away from the flock. when my walk with God was just simply down in the dark alleys of life. but each time, God brought me back through His grace and mercy. 

no one promised a life that is a bed of roses after i accepted Christ. i knew from the onset that this journey that i had embarked on was a treacherous one. for mr. t.e.o. (the evil one) would try all ways to prevent me from walking the path of light. there were a couple of times when mr. t.e.o. would succeed in dragging me down to the muds. however, i thank God that my leaders have taught me well and led me well. so much so that each time i committed a transgression. i know that i can come clean to my leaders to find myself back in the community of God's people. no doubt, i may not be restore to my former glory immediately. i still have to face the consequences of sin. but each time that i strayed (thank God that it was only a few). but each time that i have been disobedient. i know that when i repent at the foot of the cross, there is forgiveness and restoration to be found. however, to prevent myself from falling into that same pit all over again. i need to do as the proverb says. above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. 

just as pastor said the other day in his sermon. the heart of the matter is the matter of the heart. until our lives is touched, our lives would not change. i was reminded of my journey thus far. and i rejoice at the fact that by God's grace, i am able to still be found in the house of the Lord, with His people, with a tender sincere heart. for a broken spirit and a contrite heart, He will not despise.

recent events have made me thank God even more for the fact that i am still found standing in the spiritual community that i've started out with nearly 7 years ago. i thank God that through the past transgressions during my walk with God. He has found my heart to be teachable and humble. i thank God that He still want to work on this heart of mine. thank God that through the journeys, my heart had not hardened towards His teachings. and i thank God that He has never given up on me, even when I gave up on myself back then. i thank God for placing patient and loving leaders around me to see me through the painful but necessary "open" heart surgeries. thank God that never once did my leaders and cell sisters pass their judgement and condemned me. thank God that my leaders in their wisdom and obedience to His word guided me back. thank God that my leaders dealt with each issue instilling and reinforcing the fear of the Lord and the love for His children. 

looking back on the past years, i saw many windows of opportunity for me to leave this community. in retrospect, i thank God that He has never let me go. for most part it was simply my own humanly foolishness and spiritual blindness then. i thank God that though there were times when i felt that God has forsaken me, never once did He leave me. i am really thankful that i am still here and serving.

within the last 6 months, the Lord has sifted through this lot of seeds. some of my cell sisters left the fold, as consequences of the sins committed and their own choice. it saddens my heart to see my friends whom i had grown up with leave. yet i knew that if they do not learn from this lessons, their hearts would harden even more than it already has. and like the little yeast that can cause the whole dough to rise, so can the little rebellion cause the rest of us to stumble and fall. that kind of consequence, causing others to sin too, would be more than what anyone could bear. and i thank God that in His sovereign plans, there were the ones who were left behind, the ones who soldier on shoulder to shoulder for the glory of God.

to say that throughout the sieving and weeding out, to see my friends and best friend be cut off, didn't hurt would be a lie. to say that it did not affect my walk would be untrue. i loved these friends of mine. and i still do. i want the best for them. i love my friends, but that doesn't mean that i would condone the act of sin. i love the sinner, not the sin. and when discipline is dealt and the person still doesn't take heed and harden their heart even more. there is the need to cut of the person off from the community in hope that the person's soul would be saved. 

like what was shared during sermon on sunday. no one wants to sin against the Lord. but once we've fallen once and are not repentant and do not flee from the temptations. then we will begin to develop a hardened heart. repeat the process over and over again and the heart will be calloused and it will be even harder. yet, when we humble ourselves and resolute to not sin again, with a pure and sincere heart, we prevent ourselves from the possibility of repeating the same sin. 

thank God for my sisters who remain faithful and strong. thank God that at the end of the day, the earth may shake under us, the winds may rattle us, but we can be found with a teachable and tender heart. i thank God for each of you remaining. may we press on together. to receive the final prize - the crown of life. =D

i pray that my friends who left the community find reconciliation with our Father in heaven. i pray that God in His sovereign and wise ways, guide these lost sheep back to His fold. i pray Lord that these friends of mine will once again allow their hearts to be tender and soft towards You and come back to be at Your feet Lord Jesus. 

i believe that the Lord will see the condition of our hearts and take action as necessary. and when God gives us a new heart, we need to guard the new heart as proverbs 4:22 says. above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

longing for rain...

can't stand the weather of late... why is it so damn hot? argh... i think i just burnt myself from just simply walking from the bus stop home... gosh! wish it would just rain... longing for the rain to bring down the rising temperature...

-heart of worship-

When Pastor spoke about work being a worship, I tried to make sure that whatever I do at work will be pleasing to His sight. I just want to worship God. And what joy it is to go to work, even on days when I dread a little to go to work. Making work worship unto God, certainly makes it easier to get through the workload and circumstances. That was a few sermons ago.

But Pastor's words about worship resonated even longer after service today. His words made me remember reading in the book the worshipping artist where the author, Rory Noland, "encourage every member to become a personal worshiper." And He asked "can you imagine a church comprised largely of people who worshiped privately during the week and then came together on Sunday to worship?" He said that "their hearts would be so primed for worship, it wouldn't matter [what genre of music played]" When I first read those words, I told myself I needed to become a private worshipper. Not just because I am serving in the celebration ministry. But because it basically delights God. =D God takes delight when His children worship Him. And the more I worship privately, the easier it is to just enter into worshipping God anywhere, anytime. Because the heart is primed for worship.

The parable of the talents always reminded me to put my talents to good use. God gifted me with artistic talents. I sing, play, act and dance for God. I remember when I first entered FCBC, I saw the youth congregation dancing for God. It was then that I thought to myself, I think I have been brought to the right church. After nearly 7 years, I am still here. And am even serving God through my dance in the celebration ministry. Thank God for His grace and mercy, that I am able to worship Him in such a wonderful place, with the freedom to dance to Him.

I am free to worship God. I can worship God. I want to worship God. It does me good to worship the Lord. 

I used to worship God together with the congregation. Now I get to serve the Lord through leading others to worship God through the dance ministry. I will never forget the first time I served on platform. The first Sunday of September 2008. Basking in the delight of the Lord is something that does wonders for the spirit man. It is just not the same worshipping God as a member of the congregation, and as a worship leader. Have you ever felt God smiling at you as you worship Him? I have. And it is such a wonderful experience. I was never really able to describe how it felt. But today what Pastor said about wearing the crown of glory. It is just what that experience was. It was as if God just placed the crown of glory on me. It was not because of the fantastic steps of the choreography to the songs that I remembered. But it was simply because I was worshipping the Lord with my all. Literally. I was exhausted after that. But the experience that first time was electrifying, it took my breath away. The next time I dance before the congregation and for the Lord is the last Sunday of February 2009. This time not for the youth service (cause we've combined right) but for Chinese service. God certainly has a great sense of humour, and He is definitely stretching me. Cause my chinese is not the best. Haha... No matter what, it is still a delight that God takes delight in me worshipping Him.

So what is the heart of worship? Well, I believe that it is simply a sincere heart that wants to delight God. Worship is not so that we feel good, but it is that God takes delight and is enthroned. 

So my dear sisters, let's worship the Lord freely, with abandonment and let the delight of God fall upon us. =D

the curious case of benjamin burton [spoiler alert]

the show set me thinking... do i want to age gracefully or would i want to regress into infancy?

i thank God i can age gracefully...

it is really sad being benjamin burton... to have to be in such unusual circumstances... rejected at birth... adopted into love... grew up in a retirement home... fell in love only to not be able to grow old with her... grew younger each day... had dementia as a child-man... died an infant in the arms of his beloved...

what would i do if i were to be born under such unusual circumstances... i might not have the capacity to accept the situation and probably would have led an unexciting life in depression and rejection... some how this movie taught me to appreciate the beauty of aging gracefully... to embrace our lives to the fullest... only then will we live with no regrets...

so what would you choose if given a choice of growing older aging or be given the elixir of youth?

finally done...

haha... this is a late post... but i finally did get my room in order last night... it is clean and neat... and i did NOT get a big box and dump everything in it... which is good... haha... it still looks a little clutter around certain corners... but... it is simply because i do have quite a bit of things... haha... my favourite spot in my room now? the photo wall... it was inspired by a friend when she redid her room a couple of years back... haha... 

Eve of Chinese New Year...

Just got back from lunch after church service... And the expected happened... I knew I couldn't finish spring cleaning my room in time... Sigh... Am now contemplating throwing everything into a big box  and chuck it away for the Chinese New Year... But then again... I will end up having to clear it out the next time I spring clean again... Cos it will just be rotting in that corner of my room that I chuck it in... Sigh... 3 more hours... Hopefully I can really clear the mess... Haha... 

God bless me with speed and efficiency... Slow down the time so I can cover more ground... Haha... =D

On another note... I've not seen most of my room this neat and tidy for a while already... Heehee... Check back again in 3 hours...

Spring cleaning continues...

Am regretting a little that I started spring cleaning my room so late... Because I have been rather busy with work, chingay and dance lately... Sigh... Just managed to clear out some more of the clutter that I have accumulated... Another big trash bag of rubbish cleared and a box full of magazines and paper... Am exhausted from the whole evening of clearing up... But I must plough on, if not this CNY I need not invite friends over... 

Seriously, I am amazed by how much junk I have accumulated over the year... Why O Why did I not throw anything out??? Sigh... I have letters, cards and notes that were dated as far back as 1997... 12 years of "karang guni-ing" has resulted in almost unclearable clutter... I think if I were to do a fire safety test for my room, I would probably have gotten a HAZARDOUS... Haha...

Well, most of the things that can go are going out into the junkyard... I am determined to clear everything by tomorrow, 20 Jan... So that I have the chance to clear out my ever expanding wardrobe... That itself is another challenge... I tend not to throw any article of clothing away... Cos I always feel that I can make use of it as a costume in future... (I have some article of clothing that REALLY do belong only on a theatre set...) Hmm... Clearing of my wardrobe would probably take up another long afternoon... Hopefully I will be able to clear it by 22 Jan... Then and only then can I change my bed sheets and put back my area rug...

This has taught me one valuable lesson... Clean out regularly, be willing to throw things out... I should never never only do throw things out once every 12 years... Hmm... Maybe, just maybe I am too sentimental???

Oh ya... Note to self... Change my light bulbs... Somehow all the bulbs in my room, except for my table lamp, has "died" on me... Currently living in darkness... Haha... Living in denial... No light, can't see the mess...

spring cleaning...

i had been really REALLY messy the whole half of late last year... am spring cleaning my room now and oh my gosh!!!! my clutter is woah~ sigh... i haven't realised that the living condition of my room is well... SIGH~! i really have no idea where and what to begin with... so since there are things that i use on regular basis and things that i love... i decided that there is where i shall start... i started packing my heels... that goodness i am no imelda marcos... i only have about 15 pairs of heels... so happily i was packing that area, rearranging that area... only to open up some shoe box that reminded me of my stolen pair of green adidas with pink satin lace... =( well... may the person wearing what used to be my shoe have a happy life... really...

i went on to pack my accessories... as i packed, i realised that i those mooncake boxes that i kept came in really handy... haha... my mum bought those mini snowskin mooncakes for the last mid-autumn festival... so the box had a tray for those mooncakes and now that the mooncakes are gone, i am using it to house my necklaces and bracelets... it pays to horde stuff sometimes... heehee... but just as i was satisfied with the new usage of the boxes i horded since mid-autumn... i come to realise that my owl pendant and a gold ring from my childhood is MISSING!!!!! my heart sank... really sad... gosh! i really hope and pray that it would reappear in some messy part of my room, or in some compartment of my bags... argh~!

talking about bags... i placed them in my cupboard and now i realised that there are mildew! i don't live by the sea, my room is not next to the bathroom... so why oh why is there mildew! gosh! anyone can help me with this problem??? cos i haven't gotten to my clothes, but i have a gut feeling that the clothes that i hardly touch is in danger of it... argh... better check the web for mildew fighting remedy... before i start clearing that area... and better find bag bags to keep my bags in...

after teaching today, i bought a deskCLEAR from popular (it was cheaper than the past years... used to cost 20+, now about 15...) deciding that it would help declutter the clutter from my desk... and indeed it is doing just that... i suggest that anyone who needs to compartmentalise paper, documents and whatever that is taking up space on your desk... get it... i find it quite useful with the detachable folders... the best part if i need space on the wall, i just need to gather it closed... it's colour coded, detachable, clears the desk... just exactly what is needed on my table... so glad i bought it today... haha...

i dare not show the world my messy living conditions... as i realised that i've used a lot of "realise"... how unaware i was of my surroundings! oh my oh my...

2009 new year resolution...

1. after packing my room... keep it that way! 
   
2. gotta stop hoarding!!! i think i just can't bear to not recycle stuff... going green is one thing, living in mess is another i guess... haha...
3. keep organised with the deskCLEAR thingy i bought for my papers and stuff...
4. oh ya... keep my blog updated... at least try to haha...

guess i will only upload photos of the spring cleaned room of mine after it has been fully and totally spring cleaned... heehee... next step, don't lose anything in the midst of cleaning up... mental note to self... MUST NOT accidently throw away important stuff!

warrior chick...

that's what i wanna be... a warrior... not just a mere soldier in the army of God... but a warrior... one who knows her place and her role... one who drinks water alert and aware of the surroundings... one who will not accept defeat... who would pick herself up when things crumble down... one who knows that in all circumstances, good or bad, GOD IS IN CONTROL... i wanna be that kinda woman... a princess... haha... a warrior princess... even named myself dancewarrior for the chingay forum... i will dance... i will sing... i will praise Him... even when i don't think i can garner the strength... in my weakness, He is strong... =D 

setting criteria...

last night at leaders' retreat, some of us stayed up till 3.30 a.m. chit-chatting about the criteria we would like God to have placed in the One... ha ha... like what Von said... Godly guys who can spur us on in our walks with God (and vice-versa) is sorta liken a pre-requisite already...  so what are my deal-breakers then? not long ago I just listed the three... but I guess with certain real-life examples shared before us last night and today, I needed to review those 3 and maybe add 2 more... ha ha...

well... simply put...

1. Accepts me for who I am and not change me to what he wants me to be... but of course if there are terrible character traits in me that needs to be change I'll change...
   
2. Understand my passion for the Arts... (Appreciate the Arts even better!)
3. Loves children... (I didn't think of it as a criteria before, cause I would assume Godly men would love children right? but I think I'd better list it down...)
4. I am comfortable around him... Must be able to CONNECT...
5. Superficial aspect... but nonetheless quite essential... Must be taller than me! (I like to wear heels... Though lately I haven't been wearing them much... But I don't wanna look "bigger" than the guy I am going out with...)

I used to have 42 criteria... but as we grow older, and as we mature, we go beyond most of the superficial aspects... Elle was saying the connect part very important... No connection then bye-bye already... Which I agreed, thus the revision... But I guess the connection part, I have to at least know the person for a while to fully understand if it is simply different frequency... Or was the person reserved and takes a while to warm up...

Nonetheless, I am definitely waiting for God's best... =D in the meantime... I have to try to be God's best for him too... and not settle for second best...

sets me thinking...

went to a school to teach recently, the first class i taught was rather enthusiastic... they were a joy to teach... we had fun and the students learnt well... the second class that i taught sets me thinking... how can youths give up on themselves at such a tender age! what has life served them to cause them to abandon themselves and have them put up such a resistant wall? never in my 2 years plus of teaching have i encountered such a class... from the moment i entered, to the moment i left, the students were indifferent and disruptive... they seem to have been served the worst dose of life... i myself have gone through shit and stuff, but i had never given up hope... what is wrong with the current generation of youths? i had been a youth worker since i myself was in my late teens... never ever had i encountered such youths... or should i say, never had i encountered a whole class of youths who have given up on themselves... i was shocked... it made me question if i was incompetent... thank God that i had a very understanding boss... he reassured me that i wasn't the problem... 1 out of 10 class that responded this way just says that i am doing alright... but still... i can't help but think... what is wrong with the current generation? suicidal tendency has risen amongst the teens of today... there are more "emo" cases around... body mutilation is occurring more amongst the youths of today... have we regressed as a society? everything else seems to have been progressing... is it the influences of the media that has caused such regression? i wonder...

sick...

think i've overexerted myself and now i'm sick...

had the usual dance practice on thursday...

then on friday had chingay dance audition...

on saturday played wii till my arms ache...

sunday got caught in the rain and then accompanied the younger ones to audition for chingay & led warm ups for the whole group...

monday i still went for hip-hop class...

now i am sick... argh!

still have to teach class tomorrow!

commitment phobics?

Are modern day women commitment phobics? I am a modern day woman. I am committed to the causes I believe in. I go to church every Sunday. I commit myself to things I enjoy. Some times I think I am over committing myself into things. I don't think I am a commitment phobic.

But the irony of things is that my job title states "freelancer" - I commit to things that require short-term commitments. And I am rather good at that. I guess that might just label me as a commitment phobic. As I have not committed myself into a full-time desk-bounding job. I do not really commit long-term I guess. But seriously, I am committed to being a freelance theatre practitioner. I am committed to the arts, to the students I teach. Can that label me a commitment phobic? 

I do like to believe that I have been rather committed to God, what some people might call the intangible. I am committed in my walk with God, although there are highs and lows. I mean after all, I have been a Christian since I was 13. I've was baptised when I was 19. I've been in the church I am in since 2002. I have been rather stedfast to this relationship I have with God.

I guess in a sense I would be label a "commitment phobic" because it would have seem that I have never been in a relationship. (Let's not talk about those silly things in secondary school...) I am talking about the kind of relationship where marriage is probably what both are working towards. It might not be the end goal for both in that relationship, but it is something both are working towards. That's the kind of relationship I am talking about. I want that. I want to commit to someone for better for worst, till death do us part. But sometimes I do wonder... Am I afraid to commit???

I do yearn to be love and to love. I do yearn to have some one to walk the rest of my life with, to cherish and to hold. But I just can't seem to overcome my personal barrier. I do fear. I do not fear so much of the commitment. But I fear the what ifs.... What if things don't work out? We won't be friends anymore. What if this... What if that... These are the questions I keep asking myself. I guess it is just the comfort zone that I am in. I simply don't want to lose the friendship. I guess this simply stem from the fact that I can be a control freak at times. And this "what if" is simply too out of my control and I am unable to throw caution in the wind.

Sometimes I wonder. If I had simply gone with the flow and not pay so much attention to the what ifs in life. Would my life be any more different? (I guess not.)

Am I a commitment phobic? Erm, I don't know. 

Do I fear the unknown? Yes I do, but who doesn't.

I want to embrace the unknown. I want to step out of my comfort zone. I am someone who embraces life and I want to embrace every aspect of my life. I am willing to commit. As long as God is in the picture. I don't want to be sucked into this commercial and oversold kind of love. I am an idealist. I want the kind of love God has planned.

So am I still a commitment phobic? Not as much as some others I guess.

courtship 101...

yesterday at cell, those of us who attended the courtship seminar summarised the sessions for the benefit of those who were unable to make it... at this point of time, i don't think any of the singles among us would be starting to go into courtship within the immediate... haha... (laugh at myself)

well... like i've learnt from the lesson... we need to establish capacity for casual friendships... so i have tasked myself to be the casual friends making ambassador... i shall encourage casual dinners after service with guys whom we can all make casual friends with... NO STRINGS ATTACHED... =D i'd like to get married someday... so if i don't start making MORE casual friends... i think... very hard la... haha... since i wanna get married... i shall initiate the casual outings... not just to benefit myself... but EVERYONE! (sounds like a good plan to me) haha...

i went to dig out the old post... the one with the 42 criteria... and was laughing at my own silliness... haha... now i know why Mel asked us to keep it to 3 deal breakers... haha... as for me... now... the One... just have to be.. 

1. a Godly passionate man who can spur me to love God even more...
   
2. a person who will accept me for who i am, but still challenge me to change for the better...
3. someone who can make me laugh and feel comfortable to be around...

no longer asking for the 42 criteria guy (that was so unrealistic)... haha... just the guy God has planned for me... =)

so i didn't major wrongly... haha...

You Scored as Visual&PerformingArts You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in the Visual or Performing Arts (e.g., Art, Art Education, Art History, Ceramics, Culinary Arts, Dance, Drawing, Fashion Design, Film, Graphic Design, Interior Design, Marketing (advertising), Music, Music Education, Music Theory, Painting, Photography, Theatre). It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it. Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Visual&PerformingArts 81% English/Journalism/Comm 81% Education/Counseling 75% HR/BusinessManagement 69% French/Spanish/OtherLanguage 69% History/Anthropology/LiberalArts 69% Religion/Theology 63% Psychology/Sociology 56% Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health 44% Accounting/Finance/Marketing 38% PoliticalScience/Philosophy 38% Biology/Chemistry/Geology 19% Physics/Engineering/Computer 0% Mathematics/Statistics 0%